Little Boxes

Packing all my stuff.

Moving out on Friday.

Feeling so overwhelmed.

I hate when Ben is right.

This is scary and I'm going to miss my parents.

So excited for this new adventure and chapter in my life.

I have to pay bills now? What is this growing up business?!

Part 1

I couldn’t understand why I needed to write down any of this. Conviction was the words one my close friends used. I have such honest friends, who are open about their sins and secrets. But, I know that hiding this experience, is in part only being dishonest with myself. It is a sin that I am ashamed of; a sin I’m afraid of letting the world know. If I utter these words, they are in a way making the reality of it come to life. This happened to me; I let it because of my sinful nature. I feel responsible for even putting myself into this situation. I’ve come to know that this feeling of guilt is something that all victims come to bare.

How could I let myself be so vulnerable? You were so guarded. You were so good at being “good.” Never did I have to consider the possibility of this happening and yet, it did.

Like all others who had been in this situation, re- victimization is the reason we avoid thinking about “that night”. People will always say things like:

Well if she didn’t wear such slutty clothing it would have never happened to her.

If she didn’t drink so much she would have never let her inhibitions and control go out the window.

If she were a true lady, he would have treated her as such.

The answer to all these questions is “Yes, possibly.”

The second answer to all these questions is, “ Even so, she as a human being didn’t deserve to be treated like that; she as a human being deserved more respect; she needed her life and her innocence to be valued. Every man needs to recognize this, and treat her like the daughter of the King she is. ”

See, what the public eye doesn’t see is that aftermath of that man’s decisions. He will go on a live life as though “that night” was nothing more than just another tick on the calendar; just another night of “fun.” He will go on unscathed. He will believe he had every right. He will feel powerful and unashamed and will live with no physical, psychological or emotional repercussions of “that night.”

 So what if I did it?! She was drunk, I was drunk and she never stopped me.

She will find it amusing that for being a “philosophy major” his line of reasoning is so askew.  He will never question his righteousness. The last thing she will remember before blacking out to the excessive amounts of alcohol consumed “that night” would be him pulling down her underwear.

She will be destroyed.  She will have nothing left, Nothing to give her future husband. She will live with a broken soul. She will go on to believe that sex is just something people do for fun and when they are drunk. She will devalue her sexuality, her pride, and her mind. She will deceive herself into thinking that she has risen above “that night” and that she can take matters into her own hands now. She will do this out of anger. She will do this because “that night” she had nothing left to control; her body, her emotions, her innocence, her future. By taking up arms, and proudly saying that her sexuality is now her own, she will somehow negate the fact of “that night” when her sexuality was not her own. She will think that she has fixed whatever happened “that night.” She will lie to herself. She will see her worth in only what society and men see her. She will judge herself relentlessly and constantly compete with how “suitable” she is in comparison to her girl friends. She will go on to have multiply sexual partners, none of which she will love; none of which will love her.

All this will happen because now her body is not Her own. The blame and shame she will carry by herself; and only her shoulders will she place it on.

I still can't write down the words, much more say it out loud. But, this is reality. My one small step to facing it.

Walk, Don't Run.

Nobody said that the walk would be easy.  I still expected it though, foolishly as I usually do with all my new encounters and experiences that are at first glorious bouts of happiness and joyful tears. My life has been changed, I am saved through Christ. Now it is my turn to love God with my whole heart, and have my life be an example that glorifies Him. I just want everything I am to be a testament of His love for us. My desire for that will probably never come to fruition as I am a natural sinner. I will fall into temptation. I will fall short. I can try right? I should still try.  Here comes the dilemma...

My past is now catching up to me. Trying to stay true to my convictions as a follower of Christ, learning what it actually means to be a follower of Christ, and now having to deal with the repercussions of my past idols: spiritual freedom, equality, the "Right to choose", gay rights, science, sex, drugs, work, school. Oh! The list is dreadfully endless. All those things I upheld with the greatest importance in the past are in complete dissonance to what matters most to me now- God.

But, I'm just trying to avoid the whole point of me writing this- to somehow make sense of what I'm so afraid of.

In part, I would be lying to you (distant reader), if I said that this subject I intend to share with you has been troubling me for quite some time. Truthfully, only recently has this subject been brought to the forefront of my heart. Very recently, in fact. Partially because I'm so afraid of confronting it that I have put other subjects and problems ahead in order to delay the realization that I must face this. So it's been brewing, and here it is:

One of my closest friends, Eugene is gay man. A few months ago he became engaged to his boyfriend of several years and they asked me to be a part of his wedding party.`I've known Eugene since high school. During our college years we were attached at the hip. Inseparable. I was there when he came out as an openly gay man. He was there for me through all my ups and downs.  I've been with him on his journey for so long.  And now, it's all about to change. I cannot support his homosexuality and at the same time call myself a follower of Christ. Being a part of his wedding to another man is showing my support for gay marriage.

I just can't do it. 

My internal conflict with dealing with this issue is due to my fear of finally realizing my hypocrisy. I am a hypocrite. I love Eugene. He is my brother. I supported him in the past because I love him. Now, I am realizing that it is because I love him that I cannot support his lifestyle anymore. I will never been one of those self proclaimed Christians who protest around college campuses holding signs and yelling phrases of "God Hates Fags". That is not living Christ-like. I would never hate any of my gay friends. I couldn't. But, I can't support them. I can't support them because their relationship does not glorify God. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect in that realm, but I am trying my damn hardest to try and build my relationship with Ben in a manner that God wanted. I am not judging homosexuals, it is not my job. My only job is to love God, and to love on others regardless of their sexual orientation, race, background and spread the Gospel.

Being honest with Eugene now, and in the grand scheme of things, all my gay friends, is going to be tough. It's going to flat out suck.  I am so afraid of loosing their friendships. I don't want too to loose their friendships. It's going to hurt and naturally I'm going to run from things that hurt me. (I have very sensitive pain receptors haha... ok bad joke). Even greater than the fear of loosing friendships, is my fear of loosing the pathway to tell them about God and in consequence the pathway to their Salvation as well. I don't want to be just another statistic to them; telling them that God hates them because of the way they live. I don't want to turn my back on them. God didn't turn his back on me when I resisted His love, so why would I do that to my brothers and sisters?

My current big ass horse pill that I'm trying to swallow is just getting over my fear of loosing friendships. I know what I said and valiantly supported in the past contradicts who I am now. I accept that I was lost. I accept my hypocrisy. Now, I have to put God first. My relationship with him, and my life being a testament to His love far exceeds a million fold my worldly relationships. If I loose some, I loose some. But, I still need to try and love on the lost regardless. If nobody showed me love, in my darkest and most despicable hour, I would have never come to know Christ.

I can run away from my problems so easily. It's my walk of faith that gets harder.

"there is always a "who" in someone's Salvation"

I am so blessed to have these friends of mine. Tonight Lexie and Jean-luke invited me to their church to learn more about witnessing and to go out and talk to people about God. I was a bit uneasy as to what to expect. I actually had no idea what to expect. Was I supposed to talk to people about God? What if they don't want to talk to me? What do I even say? What if I don't know what to say and I choke on my words?  So many things ran through my head; so many fears. This was unknown territory but God told me to jump.

We all met at the church and first talked about what it is to witness and why we witness. Having a good foundation to start off on definitely helped ease my nerves. Loving God with all your heart was one thing, but creating disciples was another. I would later realize that, these two things are interconnected and inseparable. Starting in our own backyard, in our own city is just as important. Brian gave us several examples that really put into light why we witness. Hypothetically, if you were in a house that was on fire, and your family was asleep in the other room, you would do your best to alert them of impending danger. The same could be said about life without Christ. There are so many people who do not know God; nor that Christ died for our sins; nor accept him as their Savior. The sad truth is that there are so many people in the world- our friends, relatives, strangers who are not saved. These people do not know God, and will die not knowing God. Is there any greater sadness? Knowing this, it is our duty to try and bring others to Him. If we don't even try, we are just as responsible for their demise as they are. What a hard pill to swallow... So tonight was a first step in actually doing what God has called us to do (at least for me).

I still didn't know how to approach people so pressure was definitely taken off when Brian said I could just listen, and smile! After reading the scriptures and discussing the call of witnessing we headed out to the Manchester mall bus stop to talk to some people. I watched and listened as Lexie and Jean-luke witnessed and shared the Gospel with strangers. Praying for them as we talked to them. SO many receptive ears and hearts and some very lost and confused people. But, regardless of who they were; whether or not they loved Jesus- the Gospel was shared to everyone at the bus stop. It is so incredible to hear the stories people will share with you, when you let them know that you are there to listen and to love on them. Further, what a blessing to be able to share the Good News to open ears when Christ is working through you!

Right now, I am just so thankful for being able to experience this tonight. A spark has been lit and I am so hungry for more. 

Thursday Night Special

Some targets just don't deserve a face.

Ben took me to the range to shoot a gun tonight. It was my very first time. When I found out we were going I wasn't too emotional about it. Not until we got to the range and everyone was carrying and I saw all the people lined up inside the shooting range raising hell on a lineup of disfigured targets. There I was, caught like a dear in headlights. "Oh dear Lord...am I next?" I was dressed like I was going to yoga class. I did not look like these people, I was not serious, I had no camo on, I know little about caliber and absolutely nothing about how to even hold a gun, let alone shoot it.  Bright pink down sweater, yoga pants, obnoxiously green sneakers..."What am I doing here?" I tried to play it off, like I was cool about it, totally, yeah, whatever, "that's a cute...assault rifle" I would say. I've never so much as heard a gun shot, or seen a weapon drawn in my presence. So, I was a little uneasy, like a fish out of water. I didn't want to make it seem as if I was this obnoxious liberal brat who cried at the sight of pistol. BECAUSE I'M NOT. I am just so used to my safe little nobody can hurt me cause I live in North Clovis and my neighbors are cops and doctors bubble. Everybody was just walking around with guns like it was cell phone or something. Totally no biggie. So I tried my best to put my big girl pants on and walked into the room with Ben. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Someone opened the door to the range without checking to see if we had our ear protection on first. Yes, I screamed a little...and maybe a little pee came out. Not sure. "Brush it off...brush it off...don't be a baby in front of all these people, and definitely don't check to see if you peed your pants, that's gross, why are you being gross right now, be a MAN!....Oh God this is so stressful, please give me some courage!"

Ben shows me how to load his gun, a Glock something something. It was big, too big for my hands. Reluctantly I insert the magazine (that's what they call the little doohickey that holds the bullets...why would they name it that?). After getting me acquainted with he gun, Ben says ,"Ok go for it". "Uh...come again? You sure ? Me? Uhm well, ok." So I point at my victim err..target, Try to aim (and failed)...little squeeze and.. BOOOM!!!And a shell flies up in the air and down my shirt. "Ok, a little loud, I'm still alive, all body parts accounted for, ok lets try again."

Fast forward to 200 rounds, and 3 guns later that night. I'm still terrible at shooting. Although I can do some damage to someones face if they are 7 ft away from me, as evident in the above photo.

I didn't know I was afraid of guns, or the sound of gunshots. But, definitely more education and being exposed to them will help pacify my nerves. A shotgun is definitely the way for me too go....

Christ Lives In Me

I've debated for a while as to how to start off this entry, so I'm just going jump right in and say it.

I'VE GOT GOD IN MY LIFE! JESUS IS MY SAVIOR AND I AM FOREVER HIS BECAUSE HE HAS RANSOMED ME.

12.6.12 was the night. I never believed in spiritual or religious epiphanies but when God takes a hold of you, you don't have any choice but to let it all go, and let him take control of it all. For so long I've tried to run away from God. I was so incredible angry with Christians and the Church, and so ashamed of my own shortcomings, and sins. I said to myself, "how can there be a righteous God, if he created such a person as myself?" I was wondering how a loving, and kind God that these Christians so believed in, could create such a being that could hurt those who loved her so much. How could the God of these Christians, allow such hate towards homosexuals? How could he allow genocide? Rape? Hitler? The list was endless. Nothing about God made sense to me, it didn't follow MY rationale. I started college, cheated then broke up with my high school boyfriend, smoked a lot of pot, drank an excessive amount alcohol, and then started having sex. I surrounded myself with those like me, or those I wanted to be around. I got myself into terrible situations. I made terrible choices in friends. I questioned everything about my life, and about others (majored in Philosophy, go figure!). Then I got into politics and said hey why not major in political science too?! My life was what I wanted it to be and I was content. But, I think part of me knew I wasn't even content, I was empty. I was lost, and I was void from the inside, out. I was existing and nothing more. My whole life was just getting by, just making it through college, working to get the good job. I thought that if I graduated with perfect grades, went to law school, and made lots of money I would be happy. So, I overloaded myself in classes, and extracurricular activities. Which is why I smoked so much. I found my stress reliever in drugs, alcohol, and sexual exploration. I was looking for something to fill that emptiness inside of me. Ultimately, only God could fill it.

 I can actually trace all my doubts back to high school; when I moved to California. Which is part of the reason why I didn't just delete this blog and start a new one. I kept my old entries from years ago so I could remember and see the path I was on; how far I've come in terms of maturity, and how God worked in my life. He put me through all those hardships, all the hurt and the loss, and when I ran away and denounced Him, he still loved me and still welcomed me back and blessed me with more than I could have ever imagined. 

These past several years, and recently He has been placing Christians in my life, for reasons only He could see.  Now when I look back, it was so evident. Nothing like this happens by chance. Ben came into my life 2.5 years ago. The way he led his life was his testimony. He opened my heart and made me yearn for God and yearn to know Him more. Ben never preached to me, nor did he ever force me to church or read the bible with me. He just loved on me unconditionally and faithfully. During the lowest point of our relationship, I again was questioning my love for Ben, and Ben's love for me, and whether or not we were meant to be together. As I usually do, I began my routine of self-sabotage. I began entertaining the idea of being with someone else, and I'm afraid to say but if I was put in that wrong circumstance I may have gone down that path again, of cheating. I opened my heart to another man by talking to him about my personal problems, and he took advantage of it. But, something in my heart made me think first and told me to keep working on my relationship with Ben. Something told me to give it one last go. So I gave in and worked on our relationship one last time, instead of giving up. Things were going well, we were starting to communicate better, and loving on each other the way the other needed. A random night we went out to a local bar with a friend and afterwards I felt the need to confess to Ben. I confessed to Ben of my cheating heart, how I was thinking of how my life would be like with another man, and how I was already ready to check out of the relationship.  He reacted in a way unbeknownst to me- with delight. He was happy that I was finally trusting him, and being forthcoming with my feelings. I couldn't grasp how something that would otherwise be so hurtful, bring joy to him. He loved me, regardless of my circumstance, of my sinful nature and my sinful habits, and it took Ben's love to make me see what God was trying to tell me all along- I am the daughter of the King, and no matter how far I stray, no matter where I am, or what I've done God is always there, and He always loves me.  God was using Ben as a tool to bring me back to his Kingdom! It's so amazing that He can use ANYONE HE WANTS. We may not even know it.

That night in the parking lot of a bar I broke down in tears, and for the first time Ben and I prayed together. I felt like I was begging for Christ to come into my life. Silly me, he was already there! God already knew what I needed and even though I didn't have the words or courage to ask he told Ben to ask me if I wanted to pray. I didn't know how to pray, I didn't know how to start so Ben helped me. I was now asking to have a relationship with Him.

Words cannot describe what awesome things God has done in my life since that night. My view on life has changed drastically. Kindness is not a chore (not like it used to be when I would go to work!). Loving on my family and my friends is something I yearn for. I thank God everyday for giving me such steadfast and loving parents and for giving me friends like Lexie, Jean-luke, Darryl, Robin, Alicia, Tim, and Taylor in my life. Happiness comes easily, and my strength to face hardships is always found. My relationship with Ben is first and foremost founded in God and not in our human desires. I love that we are working everyday to honor him with our relationship and love the way Jesus loved. I am fully invested in following God's word, and am hoping my testimony can help others as well. How blessed am I? He welcomed me back with open arms after years and years of betraying Him, denouncing His existence, and hating Him. After all my sins, and all the pain and hurt I caused my family and loved ones; he forgave me. He took me back. He died for my sins. He ransomed me! I am the prodigal daughter. But, I am forever now the daughter of the KING!

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

Salsa

Tonight. Felt betrayed by one of my closest friends.

I really just don't understand Eugene sometimes. Of all the people in the world he had to bring that dirtbag Wesely to Eli's 21st birthday. He knew I'd be there and still thought it would be a good idea to bring him.

Thank God for Chris, he truly is a loyal friend.

Ben was nice enough to let me go salsa dancing without him. I know it worries him but tonight was a pretty big step for us. I'm happy he trusts me. Although I still wish he had come. Someday I wish he'll dance with me, in a crowd, in a club, in public. But dancing tonight was exactly what I needed. I had to sweat all that stress away. I miss dancing so much. I used to dance with Eugene but now I'm thinking I may need to find a new dance partner. I wonder if Ben is up to it :P

Ray was at the salsa club with his lady friend. He looked very happy as usual and I think it may have been a date. I feel a tad bit bad for interrupting but it's not my fault he invited a bunch of people and I was the only one that showed up. Kept dancing with some old fresno state friends so I could leave them with a little privacy. ;P

I think I'm going to start dancing again. I love the post dance sweat and endorphin rush!