vodka makes me emo,

I think Carlos is the only one of my ex-boyfriends that I like seeing succeed, and be happy. Maybe that's because he's the only that I loved, and never treated me like dirt. I hate having these sudden urges to check in on their lives and take a gander at what they're up to these days. Bryce I couldn't care for really. We were never serious, and the only thing I remember from him is being bitten on my first kiss. No bueno. Ramiro was a D-bag. Emotionally cheated on my, overall was not a smart decision. He hurt me, and I knew he would. Cameron, was never a relationship. It was stupid, mistake that thankfully didn't result in me loosing my virginity in his truck. Rafael was... exactly that. I really don't know. Mainly because he dumped me, with no explanation. I think after the break up with Carlos, that was the one that hurt the most. I had opened myself, my life, my family up to someone. I let myself develop feelings for this person who I thought felt the same only to find out that overnight, that feeling dissipates. I was 19, I wasn't looking for marriage, just a guy that wouldn't be a total asshole. Why am I rambling? I drank too much tonight. Chris the bartender made me my usual appletini, and then gave me this thing called a scoobysnack and the rest is history. I had walked away from all the pain of those past relationships. I don't understand why I have to be such a girl and remember them. I wish I could erase them from my mind. It hurts to think about them, and I hate seeing them around campus, and seeing them happy. I wish I could warn the girls they're with to run and never look back because that is exactly what they'll do to you in the end.

Nights like these I wish Tony was here. He's going through such a rough time with his family and he needs space. I understand that. He makes me feel like not every guy in the world is going treat me like shit, and makes me believe in that "L" word again. No not Lesbian, L-O...Let's not jinx it. haha...Speaking of lezies, one was totally rubbing up against Edgar tonight. It was funny. Me and Kayleigh watched and laughed because she was so drunk. Every time she'd sit back down she'd fall asleep. Speaking of sleep. I'm out.

Vancouver nostalgia

Sitting at Teazers in tower right now. I used to adore this place, and then I stopped coming. I had rude service and one asshole is enough to get me to vow an oath of segregation on that establishment. But i came back, in the mood for some quality, non starbuckian, tea. The man who helped me teased me, no pun intended, and small talk ensued. I sat down took my lap top out and here I am. People watching is one of my favorite things to do. You can find out a lot about a person by simply watching how they interact with themselves and their surroundings when they think someone is watching, an when they don't know that someone is watching. I know it sounds creepy but whatever. Anyways the crowd in tower is a lot different from the clovis yokies in my hood. Everybody is so individualistic that it ceases to be adherent to individualism. Went to cafe info shop to listen to some speakers and get extra cred. Went to spectrum to see the new exhibits. I'm itching for some culture and vibrance in this town and yet again it's borderline failing. I can't wait to get the hell out of fresno.


I am missing Vancouver. & I am missing Carlos.

i wish i could have the last say

it's been bugging me for quite some time now.

his memory lingers.

and everday i think, and wonder if he thinks about me.

probably. probably not i think to myself. i'm not that kind of memory.

i wish i had that stability back. in my confidant. something i was always sure of. but i don't think he would trust me again. and then i wish i had that person to talk to. about the things that i love, and loved, and dreamt, and feared, and questioned.

i digress

Forevers and some not-so-forevers

I've realized.

I'm contemplating. the mistakes and decisions i've made

Carlos. he was perfect. do i still want to marry him someday. i don't know.maybe. who knows. he's a forever kinda guy. i like that.

Rafael. he knew a lot. i experience many firsts with that boy. glad i never had sex with him. but he's nothing i want for a long term forever.


i guess i'm just waiting to see if what me and carlos had was really,real. i just didn't know how it was back then. and i want to know if it can be. but i don't know if he can accept the fact that i've dated other guys.


one things for sure. Eugene is a forever kinda guy, and my kinda forever guy. He supports me and loves me nad I'm so blessed to have a brother like him.

My Ass Hurts

Sean Jones is losing his appeal. socking I know. maybe he just looked a mess today so i wasn't too into him as i usually am.
david gallegos on the other hand is still looking quite fine. he has this mysterious shyness about him that i like.
my new friend craig is adorable. i think we will be very good friends in the future, he's like a chipmunk, and he's very smart. type a personality. i can roll.
Los is just a friend. went to teazers. no feelings of reboundness. it felt good. had a chat. soaked up some sun and some tea then i dropped him off at borders.

overall a splendid afternoon of mocktrial and teazer

After Raf I've felt no feelings of Rebound? It's funny, fresh, I feel independent.

I'm so sore from Euge's hard ass core workout yesterday. My ass, and thighs, and abs hurt like a mother. I feel good, even though it's painful. a good pain. My goal is to get tones for the tournaments so I can have the rockin body to go with the rockin attorney/witness. lol I just want to look good enough so that my self esteem is fine, and i have courage.

Must go back to study. I like blogging. It gives my mind a little debriefing. Back to reading the Melesians. I have a quiz!!!