Christ Lives In Me

I've debated for a while as to how to start off this entry, so I'm just going jump right in and say it.

I'VE GOT GOD IN MY LIFE! JESUS IS MY SAVIOR AND I AM FOREVER HIS BECAUSE HE HAS RANSOMED ME.

12.6.12 was the night. I never believed in spiritual or religious epiphanies but when God takes a hold of you, you don't have any choice but to let it all go, and let him take control of it all. For so long I've tried to run away from God. I was so incredible angry with Christians and the Church, and so ashamed of my own shortcomings, and sins. I said to myself, "how can there be a righteous God, if he created such a person as myself?" I was wondering how a loving, and kind God that these Christians so believed in, could create such a being that could hurt those who loved her so much. How could the God of these Christians, allow such hate towards homosexuals? How could he allow genocide? Rape? Hitler? The list was endless. Nothing about God made sense to me, it didn't follow MY rationale. I started college, cheated then broke up with my high school boyfriend, smoked a lot of pot, drank an excessive amount alcohol, and then started having sex. I surrounded myself with those like me, or those I wanted to be around. I got myself into terrible situations. I made terrible choices in friends. I questioned everything about my life, and about others (majored in Philosophy, go figure!). Then I got into politics and said hey why not major in political science too?! My life was what I wanted it to be and I was content. But, I think part of me knew I wasn't even content, I was empty. I was lost, and I was void from the inside, out. I was existing and nothing more. My whole life was just getting by, just making it through college, working to get the good job. I thought that if I graduated with perfect grades, went to law school, and made lots of money I would be happy. So, I overloaded myself in classes, and extracurricular activities. Which is why I smoked so much. I found my stress reliever in drugs, alcohol, and sexual exploration. I was looking for something to fill that emptiness inside of me. Ultimately, only God could fill it.

 I can actually trace all my doubts back to high school; when I moved to California. Which is part of the reason why I didn't just delete this blog and start a new one. I kept my old entries from years ago so I could remember and see the path I was on; how far I've come in terms of maturity, and how God worked in my life. He put me through all those hardships, all the hurt and the loss, and when I ran away and denounced Him, he still loved me and still welcomed me back and blessed me with more than I could have ever imagined. 

These past several years, and recently He has been placing Christians in my life, for reasons only He could see.  Now when I look back, it was so evident. Nothing like this happens by chance. Ben came into my life 2.5 years ago. The way he led his life was his testimony. He opened my heart and made me yearn for God and yearn to know Him more. Ben never preached to me, nor did he ever force me to church or read the bible with me. He just loved on me unconditionally and faithfully. During the lowest point of our relationship, I again was questioning my love for Ben, and Ben's love for me, and whether or not we were meant to be together. As I usually do, I began my routine of self-sabotage. I began entertaining the idea of being with someone else, and I'm afraid to say but if I was put in that wrong circumstance I may have gone down that path again, of cheating. I opened my heart to another man by talking to him about my personal problems, and he took advantage of it. But, something in my heart made me think first and told me to keep working on my relationship with Ben. Something told me to give it one last go. So I gave in and worked on our relationship one last time, instead of giving up. Things were going well, we were starting to communicate better, and loving on each other the way the other needed. A random night we went out to a local bar with a friend and afterwards I felt the need to confess to Ben. I confessed to Ben of my cheating heart, how I was thinking of how my life would be like with another man, and how I was already ready to check out of the relationship.  He reacted in a way unbeknownst to me- with delight. He was happy that I was finally trusting him, and being forthcoming with my feelings. I couldn't grasp how something that would otherwise be so hurtful, bring joy to him. He loved me, regardless of my circumstance, of my sinful nature and my sinful habits, and it took Ben's love to make me see what God was trying to tell me all along- I am the daughter of the King, and no matter how far I stray, no matter where I am, or what I've done God is always there, and He always loves me.  God was using Ben as a tool to bring me back to his Kingdom! It's so amazing that He can use ANYONE HE WANTS. We may not even know it.

That night in the parking lot of a bar I broke down in tears, and for the first time Ben and I prayed together. I felt like I was begging for Christ to come into my life. Silly me, he was already there! God already knew what I needed and even though I didn't have the words or courage to ask he told Ben to ask me if I wanted to pray. I didn't know how to pray, I didn't know how to start so Ben helped me. I was now asking to have a relationship with Him.

Words cannot describe what awesome things God has done in my life since that night. My view on life has changed drastically. Kindness is not a chore (not like it used to be when I would go to work!). Loving on my family and my friends is something I yearn for. I thank God everyday for giving me such steadfast and loving parents and for giving me friends like Lexie, Jean-luke, Darryl, Robin, Alicia, Tim, and Taylor in my life. Happiness comes easily, and my strength to face hardships is always found. My relationship with Ben is first and foremost founded in God and not in our human desires. I love that we are working everyday to honor him with our relationship and love the way Jesus loved. I am fully invested in following God's word, and am hoping my testimony can help others as well. How blessed am I? He welcomed me back with open arms after years and years of betraying Him, denouncing His existence, and hating Him. After all my sins, and all the pain and hurt I caused my family and loved ones; he forgave me. He took me back. He died for my sins. He ransomed me! I am the prodigal daughter. But, I am forever now the daughter of the KING!

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

k is for klassy

I think we can all agree that when i drink. the classy lady comes out.

I don't think I'm alone when say that when I'm drunk, my inhibitions fade, and my hormones flair like a nympho. but lets be clear. as chelsea handler would say no penetration occured. drunken makeout sessions and fooling around. sexual release is sometimes all is needed. man i do turn into a make out whore when i'm drunk.

i hope nothing comes from this.

ELLO LEVANTAME!

Going salsa dancing tonight. I can hardly wait. I've been itching to go since god knows when. I just hope I don't look like a fool since I haven't been dancing, and like all things that need practice, I probably suck now. Either way, Starline better get ready for some sexy time because we are definitely going to heat things up. bahaah...i'm such a loser. Right. WELL... I better practice huh? Tony is taking me tonight. His friends are supposed to be really good....I'm nervous. I always said that I need a man who loves to dance. I am super happy. Wow, this entry is so haphazard..But which one isn't. I should really try not to write in a stream of consciousness. But that would be doomed to fail anyways. LA SALSA NUNCA SE ACABA!

girls grow up.

I find my self not being able to stand certain people. Specifically young girls. Their immaturity annoys me, and I find myself grinding my teeth in order to not say things which would ultimately crush their pedantic, pop culture, monotone dreams. One of my greatest fears is that I used to be one of those. ughhh... I feel old. Even though I'm not. I feel like I don't mesh with these girls. I refer to them as kids though they are only 2 years the younger, and I talk down to them like a parent would berate their devilish hyperactive child. I resent them for having such simplistic view of life, of their complete disregard for life's complexities and their own lavish, self-absorbed existence. I don't listen to them anymore. They think I'm a bitch. I'm just realistic and I don't want to listen to their stupid stories about how they totally know Taylor Swift, or the omg so awesome party their sorority threw last night, or the no way i totally have the blouse in pink i love it, or their socks or stupid dogs.. I'm tired of it. Girls, grow up. When I have my earphones in even though my ipod is dead, take a hint, and shoo.

Mr. Perfect first date, turned to Mr. Many Perfect Dates, has turned into Mr. Boyfriend, as he has had me smiling, and laughing, and experiencing the joy of getting to know somebody you know would impact your life. I find myself being able to talk to him about things that bother me, of things that worry me, of things I love, aspire to do, frustrate, and wish to experience. He spent the holidays with me and my family and on New Years we saw B.B. King live. Needless to say, I started the year of right this time. Not intoxicated, and with someone I feel safe, comfortable, and who's company is beyond enjoyable. Besides my family and my best friends he's the one of the few people I actually enjoy being around and having fun with. I like this feeling very much

The Ethical Slut

It's official pap smears rank up there amoungst the uncomforatble moments right next to having your mom or pops walk in while your and your bf/gf are doing "stuff", and being asked to come over to see Jesse's apartment after work. Let me clarify. Jesse is a regular at my store. He comes in every, single morning, sometimes at the most busiest time of the morning, to get his cup of death. We nicknamed it the suicide. The drink is fuckin legendary and Jesse is a fuckin legend. It's a pump of every syrup we have (sometimes more), 3 packets of raw sugar, and 8 shots of espresso with whip. Nasty. When you drink a taste of it, you will gag and feel like your stomach acid has actually met it's match. And Jesse, he's a short, staunchy fella, who is mentally handicapped and about 38-40yrs of age, if I would take a gander. So you can see why it's be a bit uncomfortable if he asked you (a 19 yr old) to come over to his apartment after you got off from work.... eek.

Anyways I had my first pap today. It was different. Nothing nice about it. My Gyno is pretty nice but it was still wierd to have my legs sprawlled out with my Va-j-j just chillen while she lubed up at proceeded to stick that dreaded labia seperator and that trident looking like thing in me. Then the HPV exam was just straight up violating. I felt like Peter Griffen when he got his prostate exam. She just pushed and felt me right up, and I just squeezed my eyes shut and grinded my teeth hoping for her to finish soon. What took minutes felt like an hour. But I guess I'm just a prude. The only person I want feeling me up down there is my boyfriend.

Last night I went to Shelby's going away dinner with some coworkers and Raf. Yoshino's is scrumpdiddilyumptious, and Raf looked sexy. Even though he wore a metro sexual shirt I still thought he looked spankin. :P Anyways, after dinner we went to Borders and strolled through the asiles until we came to the sex section. That was fun, reading this book BLOW HIM away. Very interesting. lol. I thought it was funny that it was next to the self help section, and I laughed when I saw the book "How to Save Your Marriage" right next to "The Ethical Slut" and "How to Dommineer". Yes America, this is it. We solve your problems with SEX. Meh..I have no comment.

Que Sera Sera Whatever Will Be Will Be

His kisses feel so much more than an act of desire or sexuality...it's like for that moment I really get to touch him, his being, and I'm given a sliver of hope that he will someday...maybe...want to love me.

When we're naked it doesn't even matter, I'm comfortable, and warm. It's beyond sexual.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling that my chest has been really sore. I didn't know what it was. When I did my monthly self breast exam last Wednesday I found a bump in my left breast almost into my armpit. Luckily my Doctor is new to town so she doesn't have many patients yet so I was able to schedule an emergency breast exam, bloodtest, and mammogram. She found 3 bumps; two in my left and one in my right. I get the results tomorrow afternoon, and lately I've been pretty nonchalant about the entire thing. I've only told Raf and my Mom. My Dad thinks I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow for just a pap smear. But it'll be a whole lot more. I didn't want to worry him. He has a tendency to over worry. Especially with medical things because he's had a history of tumors in his family. My Mom had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and plus she always reminds me to do a self check every month. I always jump to the worst conclusions but this time I've decided to just let the chips fall where they may. There's nothing I can do until I know, and there's no point in worrying about something not confirmed yet. For the past week I've been fine, and everything feels just the same. I still don't eat well, and I don't exercise, and I work a lot and am stressed quite often. It could be a whole number of other things. We will just have to see tomorrow....