random

yes ma i had a date tonight....


it was pretty damn fun. it began so randomly meeting at ryan's party...with a random guy i randomly met at the rock gym who just randomly happened to be ryan's 2nd cousin and who randomly showed up to one of our mock trial parties. lol. watched Australia, probably one of the best date movies...love, action, comedy, everything. it was just a lovely evening with a very lovely fella. met up at the bookstore, it was early so we could still catch the first showing. after the movie it was pretty late so everything was pretty closed but it was fine. grabbed a burger at in n out...then drove around.....and probably stayed in the parking lot saying goodbye but failing miserably for an hour. it was a "i don't want to let you go" moment. and he said it several times. this guy is not a player as some of his friends are....i like him...it was what a date should be. he was a gentlemen throughout. and i of course, was delightful, humurous, flirtatious, etc. i did find myself having to hold myself back from tearing apart his clothes when he kissed me on the neck, breathed and nibbled on my ears....that was unbearable.

i have to admit i was nervous. really nervous. wondering if i should have an escape plan. lol but i knew i didn't because he wasn't like one of the losers i had gone out with in the past. those dates that crashed and burned. never again! never dating boys ever again! only men. i just was nervous that maybe if i couldn't have a good date with this guy it was really just something wrong with me. not them. but it wasn't . it really was them. because tonight was just right.

he doesn't play games. i dig that.

Que Sera Sera Whatever Will Be Will Be

His kisses feel so much more than an act of desire or sexuality...it's like for that moment I really get to touch him, his being, and I'm given a sliver of hope that he will someday...maybe...want to love me.

When we're naked it doesn't even matter, I'm comfortable, and warm. It's beyond sexual.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling that my chest has been really sore. I didn't know what it was. When I did my monthly self breast exam last Wednesday I found a bump in my left breast almost into my armpit. Luckily my Doctor is new to town so she doesn't have many patients yet so I was able to schedule an emergency breast exam, bloodtest, and mammogram. She found 3 bumps; two in my left and one in my right. I get the results tomorrow afternoon, and lately I've been pretty nonchalant about the entire thing. I've only told Raf and my Mom. My Dad thinks I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow for just a pap smear. But it'll be a whole lot more. I didn't want to worry him. He has a tendency to over worry. Especially with medical things because he's had a history of tumors in his family. My Mom had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and plus she always reminds me to do a self check every month. I always jump to the worst conclusions but this time I've decided to just let the chips fall where they may. There's nothing I can do until I know, and there's no point in worrying about something not confirmed yet. For the past week I've been fine, and everything feels just the same. I still don't eat well, and I don't exercise, and I work a lot and am stressed quite often. It could be a whole number of other things. We will just have to see tomorrow....