Walk, Don't Run.

Nobody said that the walk would be easy.  I still expected it though, foolishly as I usually do with all my new encounters and experiences that are at first glorious bouts of happiness and joyful tears. My life has been changed, I am saved through Christ. Now it is my turn to love God with my whole heart, and have my life be an example that glorifies Him. I just want everything I am to be a testament of His love for us. My desire for that will probably never come to fruition as I am a natural sinner. I will fall into temptation. I will fall short. I can try right? I should still try.  Here comes the dilemma...

My past is now catching up to me. Trying to stay true to my convictions as a follower of Christ, learning what it actually means to be a follower of Christ, and now having to deal with the repercussions of my past idols: spiritual freedom, equality, the "Right to choose", gay rights, science, sex, drugs, work, school. Oh! The list is dreadfully endless. All those things I upheld with the greatest importance in the past are in complete dissonance to what matters most to me now- God.

But, I'm just trying to avoid the whole point of me writing this- to somehow make sense of what I'm so afraid of.

In part, I would be lying to you (distant reader), if I said that this subject I intend to share with you has been troubling me for quite some time. Truthfully, only recently has this subject been brought to the forefront of my heart. Very recently, in fact. Partially because I'm so afraid of confronting it that I have put other subjects and problems ahead in order to delay the realization that I must face this. So it's been brewing, and here it is:

One of my closest friends, Eugene is gay man. A few months ago he became engaged to his boyfriend of several years and they asked me to be a part of his wedding party.`I've known Eugene since high school. During our college years we were attached at the hip. Inseparable. I was there when he came out as an openly gay man. He was there for me through all my ups and downs.  I've been with him on his journey for so long.  And now, it's all about to change. I cannot support his homosexuality and at the same time call myself a follower of Christ. Being a part of his wedding to another man is showing my support for gay marriage.

I just can't do it. 

My internal conflict with dealing with this issue is due to my fear of finally realizing my hypocrisy. I am a hypocrite. I love Eugene. He is my brother. I supported him in the past because I love him. Now, I am realizing that it is because I love him that I cannot support his lifestyle anymore. I will never been one of those self proclaimed Christians who protest around college campuses holding signs and yelling phrases of "God Hates Fags". That is not living Christ-like. I would never hate any of my gay friends. I couldn't. But, I can't support them. I can't support them because their relationship does not glorify God. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect in that realm, but I am trying my damn hardest to try and build my relationship with Ben in a manner that God wanted. I am not judging homosexuals, it is not my job. My only job is to love God, and to love on others regardless of their sexual orientation, race, background and spread the Gospel.

Being honest with Eugene now, and in the grand scheme of things, all my gay friends, is going to be tough. It's going to flat out suck.  I am so afraid of loosing their friendships. I don't want too to loose their friendships. It's going to hurt and naturally I'm going to run from things that hurt me. (I have very sensitive pain receptors haha... ok bad joke). Even greater than the fear of loosing friendships, is my fear of loosing the pathway to tell them about God and in consequence the pathway to their Salvation as well. I don't want to be just another statistic to them; telling them that God hates them because of the way they live. I don't want to turn my back on them. God didn't turn his back on me when I resisted His love, so why would I do that to my brothers and sisters?

My current big ass horse pill that I'm trying to swallow is just getting over my fear of loosing friendships. I know what I said and valiantly supported in the past contradicts who I am now. I accept that I was lost. I accept my hypocrisy. Now, I have to put God first. My relationship with him, and my life being a testament to His love far exceeds a million fold my worldly relationships. If I loose some, I loose some. But, I still need to try and love on the lost regardless. If nobody showed me love, in my darkest and most despicable hour, I would have never come to know Christ.

I can run away from my problems so easily. It's my walk of faith that gets harder.

Salsa

Tonight. Felt betrayed by one of my closest friends.

I really just don't understand Eugene sometimes. Of all the people in the world he had to bring that dirtbag Wesely to Eli's 21st birthday. He knew I'd be there and still thought it would be a good idea to bring him.

Thank God for Chris, he truly is a loyal friend.

Ben was nice enough to let me go salsa dancing without him. I know it worries him but tonight was a pretty big step for us. I'm happy he trusts me. Although I still wish he had come. Someday I wish he'll dance with me, in a crowd, in a club, in public. But dancing tonight was exactly what I needed. I had to sweat all that stress away. I miss dancing so much. I used to dance with Eugene but now I'm thinking I may need to find a new dance partner. I wonder if Ben is up to it :P

Ray was at the salsa club with his lady friend. He looked very happy as usual and I think it may have been a date. I feel a tad bit bad for interrupting but it's not my fault he invited a bunch of people and I was the only one that showed up. Kept dancing with some old fresno state friends so I could leave them with a little privacy. ;P

I think I'm going to start dancing again. I love the post dance sweat and endorphin rush!

skinny jeans

So it's fair to say that I lead a very active lifestyle. I exercise everyday, sometimes twice. Rock climbing, swimming, running, you name it. But every once in a while I like to be a tad bit gluttunous and overindulge in something so unhealthy and surely diabetes inducing it would make willy wonka wanna shut down his factory. So today was one of those days. Edgar, Eugene and I decided to be brainiacs and take advantage of the $3.99 medium pizza special and the wretched hungry howie's in tower. Little did we know it would not feel so great post-gorge-session. So we took our pizzas, our horchata, garlic bread and headed over to the patio at starbucks where there three asian girls were sitting at one of the tables. Now, don't get me wrong I love my peoples but we all know that face you give to someone of the same cultural background. That "mmm..." face, when you know they shouldn't be doing something and you disapprove. Well these girls, I must describe, were quite hefty to say the least and they gave us that face and started talking shit because we were indulging in that delicious italian creation. But the fact was that these girls were not only severely overwieght they were smoking! Crying out loud it's like (as edgar put it) a toothless person for making fun of someone with crooked teeth. It's just damn hypocrtical.

Well, we didn't care. We gorged ourselves on our food, and strutted away in our skinny jeans.

Forevers and some not-so-forevers

I've realized.

I'm contemplating. the mistakes and decisions i've made

Carlos. he was perfect. do i still want to marry him someday. i don't know.maybe. who knows. he's a forever kinda guy. i like that.

Rafael. he knew a lot. i experience many firsts with that boy. glad i never had sex with him. but he's nothing i want for a long term forever.


i guess i'm just waiting to see if what me and carlos had was really,real. i just didn't know how it was back then. and i want to know if it can be. but i don't know if he can accept the fact that i've dated other guys.


one things for sure. Eugene is a forever kinda guy, and my kinda forever guy. He supports me and loves me nad I'm so blessed to have a brother like him.

cigarettes and chocolate milk

i've got to admit, i've drank at work before, but today was baaaaad. lol. so worth it though.


i was definitely drunk at work today.
it got to the point that me and jacob were so pissed off that we decided to just say fuck it
kit is a dumbass
renee is a dumbass
i hate starbucks
except nights like these when i have a kick ass lead.

i love jacob.
and jacob's bro daniel.
they are def my favorites forever.

lol

dropped all my pennies, and my dimes. what a hoot.
i came to the sad realization that our close was going to be better than half the fuckin closes at the entire store. lol. AND it was friday night, we got slammed making $350 in one half hour. that's something to the tune of $10.5 a minute.

3 beers, one smirnoff, 4 cigars, 1 cig.
oh yeah. i'm definitely due for a wellness blog tomorrow. lol

eugey broke up with eddie today. i am very proud of him. he needs to take care of himself first not worry about. that relationship wasn't all bad, i have to admit it made euge realize what he wants, and what he needs in life. and i hope that it does the same for eddie. i just want the best for him, and i know he's going to hurt right now, but i know in my heart that he's going to grow from this, and be better for it.

Wellness Blog #1

In an effort to loose wieght, get back in shape, tone down by belly, arms, legs and everything in between. I'm starting a wellness blog. Not only is this something where I can be raw and honest about my feelings of my physical and mental state, but I can use this as a self improvement exercise. And this shall be my first entry.

Tuesday of WEEK 1

weight: 135lbs

worked out today? yes. for 1 and a half. did a cardio and abs circuit with euge then we saw Bryce my ex teaching a combat fitness class. we joined in for a half hour.

breakfast: none

lunch: salad and water

dinner: not yet.

snacks throughout the day? chewy sour smarty things. but only to keep me awake through my last class.

cigs/cigars/hookah/pot: nada I've been thinking of pot. hmm.. I said I'd try it with chris and jason. Just cause I was curious as to why I'm so vehemently against something I have no knowledge of. Is that naivete?

relationship/friendship wise? My friendship with raf is good. We text and talk occasionally but I don't feel the need anymore to try to make small talk. We moved on. Human after all huh? lol. I'm worried that Priss maybe going down a very long and very confusing path. I'm just trying my best to be there for her. She has had fracture in her foot for a year. ....i know. Me and euge are hanging out more. I am happy.I just want my body to reflect that now. We are both going through transformations.I'm coming into my own style and euge is thinking of dumping eddie. He is just holding him back. But he needs to figure that out on his own terms.

state of mind: tired, healthy, lots of homework to do!!!

can you thrift it? like i thrift it?

i am in love with thrift stores.....once again. i had this addiction in highschool, and now it's back.

bought to much stuff. lol. had some fun me time. went to rasputin's bought a postal service and death cab shirt that i've always wanted. chilled at teazers and talked to the bartenders. they're really cute. i'm going there tomorrow with priss. should be fun ;)

goodbye lame ass fashion fair (with the exception of urban outfitters, and vs)

helloooooooo downtown fresno.


euge and me. we're going through a transformation.

i dig it.

My Ass Hurts

Sean Jones is losing his appeal. socking I know. maybe he just looked a mess today so i wasn't too into him as i usually am.
david gallegos on the other hand is still looking quite fine. he has this mysterious shyness about him that i like.
my new friend craig is adorable. i think we will be very good friends in the future, he's like a chipmunk, and he's very smart. type a personality. i can roll.
Los is just a friend. went to teazers. no feelings of reboundness. it felt good. had a chat. soaked up some sun and some tea then i dropped him off at borders.

overall a splendid afternoon of mocktrial and teazer

After Raf I've felt no feelings of Rebound? It's funny, fresh, I feel independent.

I'm so sore from Euge's hard ass core workout yesterday. My ass, and thighs, and abs hurt like a mother. I feel good, even though it's painful. a good pain. My goal is to get tones for the tournaments so I can have the rockin body to go with the rockin attorney/witness. lol I just want to look good enough so that my self esteem is fine, and i have courage.

Must go back to study. I like blogging. It gives my mind a little debriefing. Back to reading the Melesians. I have a quiz!!!