9 to 10 DriNkS?

I don't think he understands. And we're learning things about each other that we find differences on. He says that he feels as if he easily angers me, and well yeah I guess. Because nothing he says is ever concrete. He fuckin reasons to the point where I don't know what the hell he says is honest or just a statement to apease me or him or the universe. I don't know. I am glad though that I'm learning these things about him ahead of time...so I know what to expect and so that I'm not surprised i nthe future. I know that this is one of the things that we will have a problem being peaceful about. He says that he's the middle ground. I just think he needs to lean the meaning of fucking sacrafice. I don't know if he gets that part. Yes in a relationship there is always compromise but sometimes someone needs to sacrafice something. I wish he could sacrafice drinking. What I wish I could happen for myself is to stop drinking full blown at parties. Only when I'm older, and at home do I wish to drink. I just don't like the person I become, where I loose control of inhibitions, and make alchohol an excuse to be slutty. I don't like to be vulnerable. But, I know that as a young woman in college that is hard. And, I'm open to experiences but I've been through enough to make me realize that it's not the path I want to take. I don't like being drunk, and when I drink I prefer to be responsible about it. He however thinks that that is an extreme to ask of him. So now what? Because we have completely different views on what is safe and what isn't, will he continue to do as he pleases even if it means it upsets me? I don't know. I hope that maybe he will take my feelings into consideration and make a sacrafice. I don't know if he's capable of that. Maybe that is too much of an extremeity for him to meet. But I want somebody who can. This is something I don't want to return to. I don't want anymore phone calls telling me that someone has died of something preventable. I don't want that feeling of uselessness, of being powerless; the feeling that I could have done something to stop someone from dying. It's the worst kind of guilt, and one that I never want to have again. Raf doesn't get that. He doesn't see how powerful it can be. And I hate saying things like this to him cause it makes me feel obnoxious and quasi all knowing. I guess not growing up with alchohol influenced me. And I think in a good way. I never saw the use for it. No dependence on it. It was a social drink, and one to be careful of.- and that is not being a prude, it's being responsible, and being reasonable. It makes me nervous of the other things that we'll disagree on. Will it be to much that it's impossible? At least I'll be able to know whether or not he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We already disagree on marriage. He doesn't believe in it. He'll do it for his mom, but he's rather not. He wants to know that there person who is waking up next to him is there because of him. But I want somebody to love me so much that they want to marry me, and want the world to know, and celebrate it. Who knows. Will he understand that? I think that part of me wishes but knows that he won't be able to feel that way... Unfortunate, and raw. It's life.

Danny Puts Life Into Prespective

Tonight after the softball game me and Raf went to go chill at bonbon's house with the rest of the team. He started to drink and then he said stuff that made me nervous. I don't like how he just lets everything go. And I hate the fact that he is ok with drinking when he's driving me. Even steven and angel said no that ain't cool. hmm... sometimes I just wish he had my best interest in mind when he thinks about drinking. About a month ago he said he wanted to try to cut off his drinking habit. And then tonight I asked him about it and he said "I say mean it when I'm sober." I mean what the hell? And he always says he's going to be OK, and fuck for christs sake Raf that what Danny always said before he was so drunk he jumped out of a two story building and then drank himself to a bloody stupor for two days straight before dying of alchohol poisoning. I'll be fuckin damned if that happens again for someone I care about. If this continues I don't know what I can do. If he doesn't respect how I feel, and take me into consideration everytime he drinks and drives, I don't know if I can handle it. If he pushes it to the point of irresponsibility and I can't stop him, or if I'm not reason enough to stop. I won't take it, and I will just walk away. But, I have to remember this. It hasn't reached that point, but if it does that's the line that I won't cross.

Old Town Reminds us of How We Got Here

I think sometimes we all have the moment where we look at ourselves from a distant and breakdown. For him it was while we argued and fought in that little park in Old Town. Underneath the gazebo, while little children and their dogs played amoungst the the trees and swings. It was a tiny tic tac sized unrelated problem which almost cost us our entire relationship. And yet. When all was said and the cussing had passed, and the anger subsided, I made him see that I wanted him. That I believed and genuinly cared for him. I wanted to give him a reason to make it through this. I see his spirit, and how easily it's broken. He sees it too. I just need to let him see that I'm ok to let into his life. That it's ok to need somebody. That having someone who is able to give you things that you can't give yourself is ok. It's fighting, it's yelling filled with hate, and anger, and philosophical discussions of our self. We made it through. When he began to think back to how is life was before us. He finally saw what I've been seeing all along. That this was good for us. And it's ok to have fights, and it's ok to be mad at the one you care about, and it's ok to make up, and have a plan to be better. He wonders why I care for him.It's because we as human beings, filled with sensibility and reason, and raw emotion, are drawn to each other. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if I had broken up with him, or if I let him walk away. That's why I never gave him that option. I could tell he wanted too. That he felt that it could have been easier at the moment to let our emotions get the best of us and just leave. But after that then what? Would we have really been happier apart? Would we be satisfied. I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to give up. I wasn't ready to part from him. I just had to make him feel ok with feeling the same thing. I knew it was in there. Somewhere...

Charity Words

...well ain't that a damn fuckin crying shame?That people lie when they say "i hate being the one too make you cry" . The truth is they DON'T FUCKIN CARE. Why? Because we are ALL selfish human beings. We only think of our own comfort, and what would make us happy. That's all. It could be argued that even charity is selfish. That we do it because it makes us feel good about ourselves, not because it's a noble thing to do. Fucking Charity. Those love professing, heart wrenching, tear jerking statements are nothing but Charity words. That's all those damn pseudo euphemisms are. "I never want to hurt you." "I never want to make your cry" "I never want to cheat on you" They never think of those statements when they actually do hurt you or make you cry. It cuts deep doesn't it? Well man the fuck up and get over it!Fucking Charity Words.We say it because it makes us feel better about our selfish selves. There really is no such thing as a selfless human being. In the end, we all just want to protect our own asses from whatever ominpotent, virtuous, Divine, or Undivine. And after it's all said and done, we feel acomplished. And we have every right to back track in our statements because hey! they were never really truthful now were they? And we say "I never want.." or "I hate.." or "I don't want.." so that in the very likely chance that we do whatever we say that we never wanted to do. We can protect ourselves by saying, "Hey, I never said I promised not to blah blah blah."To sum up that very angry rant is this. Why do we always think of our actions, and words as a means to an end? We say things so that we can end whatever unhappy feelings, or so we can stop an uncomfortabe situation, etc. There would be a lot less hurt in the world, if peope hmm...I don't know. Were true to their word...or maybe practiced fuckin chivalry instead of cowardice.