girls grow up.

I find my self not being able to stand certain people. Specifically young girls. Their immaturity annoys me, and I find myself grinding my teeth in order to not say things which would ultimately crush their pedantic, pop culture, monotone dreams. One of my greatest fears is that I used to be one of those. ughhh... I feel old. Even though I'm not. I feel like I don't mesh with these girls. I refer to them as kids though they are only 2 years the younger, and I talk down to them like a parent would berate their devilish hyperactive child. I resent them for having such simplistic view of life, of their complete disregard for life's complexities and their own lavish, self-absorbed existence. I don't listen to them anymore. They think I'm a bitch. I'm just realistic and I don't want to listen to their stupid stories about how they totally know Taylor Swift, or the omg so awesome party their sorority threw last night, or the no way i totally have the blouse in pink i love it, or their socks or stupid dogs.. I'm tired of it. Girls, grow up. When I have my earphones in even though my ipod is dead, take a hint, and shoo.

Mr. Perfect first date, turned to Mr. Many Perfect Dates, has turned into Mr. Boyfriend, as he has had me smiling, and laughing, and experiencing the joy of getting to know somebody you know would impact your life. I find myself being able to talk to him about things that bother me, of things that worry me, of things I love, aspire to do, frustrate, and wish to experience. He spent the holidays with me and my family and on New Years we saw B.B. King live. Needless to say, I started the year of right this time. Not intoxicated, and with someone I feel safe, comfortable, and who's company is beyond enjoyable. Besides my family and my best friends he's the one of the few people I actually enjoy being around and having fun with. I like this feeling very much

thanks a lot.

I was going to write a list of all the shit I'm thankful for.

Instead I'd like to thank my parents for basically telling me that I need to move out because I don't value the things I have and I can't control my spending habits.

Hm. So yeah. Basically got told to move out on Thanksgiving.

I think I'll take them up on that offer.

Days like today

Sometimes I wonder why I have days when I lapse. There are little things throughout the day that remind me of him and it's disheartening. Days like today I guess. I thought to myself, I wonder what he's doing, and what he's writing about on his xanga, and if he ever writes of me, or even if he thinks of me once in a while. I write things in here that I want to share, but nobody to share them with. And I keep this thought in the back of my mind, that if I share this with him, he could help me make sense of myself. Like he did before. I thought. But, it made him realize that he doesn't want me. I wonder if anything that happened between us had any effect in his life. But in the end we've said are dues, and I've watched as he walked away. Ironic. That was his screen name on xanga. I checked it today. It wasn't the first time, I have in the past. I'm always curious to see if he'd ever let me back into his life, and see him for who he is. But, do I want to? Yes. That's what drew me to him, his honesty, and rawness, and spontenaity. I miss that very much. I wish I had that once more. I wish we could be better friends. Now, it is the occasional text message that I always send when I miss him and want to feel that connection once more. I miss our talks, and stuff we'd do. I see his friends around school, and they always want me to come back and hang out. I see him every so often, but he never has time to talk, very busy with studying of course. My professors talk of him, without knowing what happened between us. So do my friends. It's been rough. But, it's been a lot easier. But days like today, whenever everything reminds you of what you had, and lost. These days seem to really be draining.

Charity Words

...well ain't that a damn fuckin crying shame?That people lie when they say "i hate being the one too make you cry" . The truth is they DON'T FUCKIN CARE. Why? Because we are ALL selfish human beings. We only think of our own comfort, and what would make us happy. That's all. It could be argued that even charity is selfish. That we do it because it makes us feel good about ourselves, not because it's a noble thing to do. Fucking Charity. Those love professing, heart wrenching, tear jerking statements are nothing but Charity words. That's all those damn pseudo euphemisms are. "I never want to hurt you." "I never want to make your cry" "I never want to cheat on you" They never think of those statements when they actually do hurt you or make you cry. It cuts deep doesn't it? Well man the fuck up and get over it!Fucking Charity Words.We say it because it makes us feel better about our selfish selves. There really is no such thing as a selfless human being. In the end, we all just want to protect our own asses from whatever ominpotent, virtuous, Divine, or Undivine. And after it's all said and done, we feel acomplished. And we have every right to back track in our statements because hey! they were never really truthful now were they? And we say "I never want.." or "I hate.." or "I don't want.." so that in the very likely chance that we do whatever we say that we never wanted to do. We can protect ourselves by saying, "Hey, I never said I promised not to blah blah blah."To sum up that very angry rant is this. Why do we always think of our actions, and words as a means to an end? We say things so that we can end whatever unhappy feelings, or so we can stop an uncomfortabe situation, etc. There would be a lot less hurt in the world, if peope hmm...I don't know. Were true to their word...or maybe practiced fuckin chivalry instead of cowardice.