21 and some

ahh...my 21st was nothing short of ahhhmazing.

The night itself was a drunken mess as catalyzed by my ever pressing alcoholic friends. haha..no they really aren't that bad. Had a lovely dinner with the family and close friends then went out to the local bj's for drinks. Thank god for Tony. He was definitely not only mr. wonderful but mr. designated driver. The boys took me out to Samba's for a little drinky drink, and lot of dancing!!! Then on saturday wen't and jumped out of plane at 15,000ft. My first (and definitely not last tandem skydive) was nothing short of incredible. The most amazing view of the Pacific, the valley, AND the sierras. So beautiful.





Delicious, are we not?

21

It was a blast.

legally yours. no pun intended
















Amazing, are they not?

iWife

Sometimes I wonder if what my future holds is marriage. You know the happy kind. The kind you hear about but you know deep down it never exists. And if it does exits, it's one of those stepford wives scenarios where the husband is some misogynistic schmuck who goes to work at some huge company, cheats with his secretary, all the while his wife is home playing dirty whore with the pool boy waiting for the man to bring home the bacon. I am so over this so called American Dream. This ideal to be prosperous; go to school, make a lot of money, get married, have 2 1/2 kids. For what? To die trying to find the remanents of your past life when you were alive, and were actually human? No. I can't. Not for me. I've never really liked the idea of being someone's property either. Sure, it's a nice thought that perhaps in some far off, distant, alternate universe soul mates exist. But, I've come to realize that maybe they don't. Maybe it's just the same sociological bird feed we are spoon fed when we are little, you know, the kind that makes us think we can do anything, and be anything we want? I mean, I like the idea of having a wedding. It's nice, romantic, idealistic. But, what do either people who partake in such contract really accumalte from it? Joint checking accounts, unruley in-laws, and a lifetime of arguments, and "what-if's"Alright...I know I'm getting entirely nihilistic for my own good, but I need to be this critical when something so blantant is staring me right in the eye, telling me to snap out of it. I don't do well in relationships for entirely this reason. I think to much. I think of my past relationships. I think that maybe that they are doomed to fail, and those realtionships that turn into marriage will either end up in divorce or leave the couple eternaly regretful.

Lately, I've been feeling very self centered. In a selfish way. I'm closing off my closest friends. For what reason. I don't know. I just find it less appealing to reveal every nook and cranny of my life to my peers. Perhaps I feel like they have their own lives and honestly deep down don't really care about things going on in my life. It's a shitty thing to say. But I've grown old trying to convince myself that people care about what you go through.

I see you're heart, I'll raise you mine.

I'm starting to climb on the fresno state/yosfit team. It's fun. The people on the team are cool, and chill and I think this is going to be a great way to improve and strengthen my climbing. I worked out with eugene today. It's always fun to see him, he's grown so much as a person. He's definitely going places, and going to do great things. I'm psychic, did I mention that? Met up for lunch with Mr. Boyfriend at Eddie's and for some reason his eyes were this a darker shade of green, but they stood out, especially when we sat outside and the sun hit them. I always wished I had a different eye color. Maybe blue, but then that would be weird. I wish this weekend was over already. I can't stand mock trial, or the people in it. Burned out, is one way to describe the feeling.

Currently, listening to my ipod blaring in the background and this song came on. Love songs don't annoy me so much anymore. ha..go figure. I wish there was a legit espresso house in Fresno. This place proves time and time agian how pitful, and dreary it is. But then it confuses you with the amazing people you meet here. Dad is moving to Canada. I feel sad. I don't like talking about it, although I know I should.

midnight mass

Right well....


I went to church.
I went with my family to the midnight mass at our old methodist church in clovis.
It was different.
I thought I didn't like religion.
But I kept feeling this familiarity about the service, the songs, the people.
I've wanted for so long to believe that I wasn't going to succumb to the opiate of religion but alas!
I havn't. It took me sometime to figure out what I believe in. And part of me knows that perhaps I won't ever know who I "truly am".
But I do know this.

I was raised as a Methodist.
Raised to question, to believe in equality.
But I don't call myself a Methodist.
And now that I knowI have the resources to understand it.
To question it.
To really know if I believe in it.

Because when it all comes down to it. It's faith. I don't think I could ever really take the Bible in literal terms, especially after taking literature of the new testament. Over this semester I've realized that I've become a hypocrite just like those evangelical gay prostitute back massage getting pastors from jesus hates fags church.

I've become closed minded to faith.
I've disdained closed minded "religious" yuppies for as long as I can remember.
And here I am. I am one. Just in the opposite sense.

So a spark of curiosity has rekindled my neutrality towards religion and I believe I'm going to investigate.

The mass I went to at United Methodist in clovis was the same as the one I used to go to in my early childhood at Trinity United in Canada.

I remember the children running up to the pastor. I remember hearing the Gospel. I remember the pastor giving a thought provoking, unsettleing, and often times humorous analysis. I remember the hymns. I remember soup and coffee and snacks after service. I remember sunday school. I remember babysitting. I remember the smell of baby powder in the toddler's room. I remember making plastic doves downstairs in the church kitchen. I remember my woman pastor. I remember the candle light vigils that ended every christmas eve midnight mass.

None were ever bad memories when I think of it.
Just going to college, experiencing other churches, growing up in a supressive enviornment that clovis is, just fed my hatred for the christian right wing.

but...

change is always welcomed