Walk, Don't Run.

Nobody said that the walk would be easy.  I still expected it though, foolishly as I usually do with all my new encounters and experiences that are at first glorious bouts of happiness and joyful tears. My life has been changed, I am saved through Christ. Now it is my turn to love God with my whole heart, and have my life be an example that glorifies Him. I just want everything I am to be a testament of His love for us. My desire for that will probably never come to fruition as I am a natural sinner. I will fall into temptation. I will fall short. I can try right? I should still try.  Here comes the dilemma...

My past is now catching up to me. Trying to stay true to my convictions as a follower of Christ, learning what it actually means to be a follower of Christ, and now having to deal with the repercussions of my past idols: spiritual freedom, equality, the "Right to choose", gay rights, science, sex, drugs, work, school. Oh! The list is dreadfully endless. All those things I upheld with the greatest importance in the past are in complete dissonance to what matters most to me now- God.

But, I'm just trying to avoid the whole point of me writing this- to somehow make sense of what I'm so afraid of.

In part, I would be lying to you (distant reader), if I said that this subject I intend to share with you has been troubling me for quite some time. Truthfully, only recently has this subject been brought to the forefront of my heart. Very recently, in fact. Partially because I'm so afraid of confronting it that I have put other subjects and problems ahead in order to delay the realization that I must face this. So it's been brewing, and here it is:

One of my closest friends, Eugene is gay man. A few months ago he became engaged to his boyfriend of several years and they asked me to be a part of his wedding party.`I've known Eugene since high school. During our college years we were attached at the hip. Inseparable. I was there when he came out as an openly gay man. He was there for me through all my ups and downs.  I've been with him on his journey for so long.  And now, it's all about to change. I cannot support his homosexuality and at the same time call myself a follower of Christ. Being a part of his wedding to another man is showing my support for gay marriage.

I just can't do it. 

My internal conflict with dealing with this issue is due to my fear of finally realizing my hypocrisy. I am a hypocrite. I love Eugene. He is my brother. I supported him in the past because I love him. Now, I am realizing that it is because I love him that I cannot support his lifestyle anymore. I will never been one of those self proclaimed Christians who protest around college campuses holding signs and yelling phrases of "God Hates Fags". That is not living Christ-like. I would never hate any of my gay friends. I couldn't. But, I can't support them. I can't support them because their relationship does not glorify God. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect in that realm, but I am trying my damn hardest to try and build my relationship with Ben in a manner that God wanted. I am not judging homosexuals, it is not my job. My only job is to love God, and to love on others regardless of their sexual orientation, race, background and spread the Gospel.

Being honest with Eugene now, and in the grand scheme of things, all my gay friends, is going to be tough. It's going to flat out suck.  I am so afraid of loosing their friendships. I don't want too to loose their friendships. It's going to hurt and naturally I'm going to run from things that hurt me. (I have very sensitive pain receptors haha... ok bad joke). Even greater than the fear of loosing friendships, is my fear of loosing the pathway to tell them about God and in consequence the pathway to their Salvation as well. I don't want to be just another statistic to them; telling them that God hates them because of the way they live. I don't want to turn my back on them. God didn't turn his back on me when I resisted His love, so why would I do that to my brothers and sisters?

My current big ass horse pill that I'm trying to swallow is just getting over my fear of loosing friendships. I know what I said and valiantly supported in the past contradicts who I am now. I accept that I was lost. I accept my hypocrisy. Now, I have to put God first. My relationship with him, and my life being a testament to His love far exceeds a million fold my worldly relationships. If I loose some, I loose some. But, I still need to try and love on the lost regardless. If nobody showed me love, in my darkest and most despicable hour, I would have never come to know Christ.

I can run away from my problems so easily. It's my walk of faith that gets harder.

"there is always a "who" in someone's Salvation"

I am so blessed to have these friends of mine. Tonight Lexie and Jean-luke invited me to their church to learn more about witnessing and to go out and talk to people about God. I was a bit uneasy as to what to expect. I actually had no idea what to expect. Was I supposed to talk to people about God? What if they don't want to talk to me? What do I even say? What if I don't know what to say and I choke on my words?  So many things ran through my head; so many fears. This was unknown territory but God told me to jump.

We all met at the church and first talked about what it is to witness and why we witness. Having a good foundation to start off on definitely helped ease my nerves. Loving God with all your heart was one thing, but creating disciples was another. I would later realize that, these two things are interconnected and inseparable. Starting in our own backyard, in our own city is just as important. Brian gave us several examples that really put into light why we witness. Hypothetically, if you were in a house that was on fire, and your family was asleep in the other room, you would do your best to alert them of impending danger. The same could be said about life without Christ. There are so many people who do not know God; nor that Christ died for our sins; nor accept him as their Savior. The sad truth is that there are so many people in the world- our friends, relatives, strangers who are not saved. These people do not know God, and will die not knowing God. Is there any greater sadness? Knowing this, it is our duty to try and bring others to Him. If we don't even try, we are just as responsible for their demise as they are. What a hard pill to swallow... So tonight was a first step in actually doing what God has called us to do (at least for me).

I still didn't know how to approach people so pressure was definitely taken off when Brian said I could just listen, and smile! After reading the scriptures and discussing the call of witnessing we headed out to the Manchester mall bus stop to talk to some people. I watched and listened as Lexie and Jean-luke witnessed and shared the Gospel with strangers. Praying for them as we talked to them. SO many receptive ears and hearts and some very lost and confused people. But, regardless of who they were; whether or not they loved Jesus- the Gospel was shared to everyone at the bus stop. It is so incredible to hear the stories people will share with you, when you let them know that you are there to listen and to love on them. Further, what a blessing to be able to share the Good News to open ears when Christ is working through you!

Right now, I am just so thankful for being able to experience this tonight. A spark has been lit and I am so hungry for more. 

Thursday Night Special

Some targets just don't deserve a face.

Ben took me to the range to shoot a gun tonight. It was my very first time. When I found out we were going I wasn't too emotional about it. Not until we got to the range and everyone was carrying and I saw all the people lined up inside the shooting range raising hell on a lineup of disfigured targets. There I was, caught like a dear in headlights. "Oh dear Lord...am I next?" I was dressed like I was going to yoga class. I did not look like these people, I was not serious, I had no camo on, I know little about caliber and absolutely nothing about how to even hold a gun, let alone shoot it.  Bright pink down sweater, yoga pants, obnoxiously green sneakers..."What am I doing here?" I tried to play it off, like I was cool about it, totally, yeah, whatever, "that's a cute...assault rifle" I would say. I've never so much as heard a gun shot, or seen a weapon drawn in my presence. So, I was a little uneasy, like a fish out of water. I didn't want to make it seem as if I was this obnoxious liberal brat who cried at the sight of pistol. BECAUSE I'M NOT. I am just so used to my safe little nobody can hurt me cause I live in North Clovis and my neighbors are cops and doctors bubble. Everybody was just walking around with guns like it was cell phone or something. Totally no biggie. So I tried my best to put my big girl pants on and walked into the room with Ben. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Someone opened the door to the range without checking to see if we had our ear protection on first. Yes, I screamed a little...and maybe a little pee came out. Not sure. "Brush it off...brush it off...don't be a baby in front of all these people, and definitely don't check to see if you peed your pants, that's gross, why are you being gross right now, be a MAN!....Oh God this is so stressful, please give me some courage!"

Ben shows me how to load his gun, a Glock something something. It was big, too big for my hands. Reluctantly I insert the magazine (that's what they call the little doohickey that holds the bullets...why would they name it that?). After getting me acquainted with he gun, Ben says ,"Ok go for it". "Uh...come again? You sure ? Me? Uhm well, ok." So I point at my victim err..target, Try to aim (and failed)...little squeeze and.. BOOOM!!!And a shell flies up in the air and down my shirt. "Ok, a little loud, I'm still alive, all body parts accounted for, ok lets try again."

Fast forward to 200 rounds, and 3 guns later that night. I'm still terrible at shooting. Although I can do some damage to someones face if they are 7 ft away from me, as evident in the above photo.

I didn't know I was afraid of guns, or the sound of gunshots. But, definitely more education and being exposed to them will help pacify my nerves. A shotgun is definitely the way for me too go....

Autumn Leaves

It's cold tonight. It feels very autumny.

I've been debating on whether or not to share this with raf. Should I email him the permission link to read my blog? I feel that we are losing touch more and more each day. Makes me sad, that it was something that filled me with happiness me, and now has almost no presence in my life.

Part of me wants me to let him read it, because in some wierd way I feel like he'd understand it. And part of me doesn't want to burn that bridge. I don't want that connection to just disipate.

The other part of me is afraid that he'll reject my offer, as if he doesn't even care. Rejection. hmm...how to deal with this fear....

Reject me once, shame on you.
Reject me tiwice, shame on me.

The semester is rolling up quickly. It's gaining speed. which reminds me I must finish writing!