vodka makes me emo,

I think Carlos is the only one of my ex-boyfriends that I like seeing succeed, and be happy. Maybe that's because he's the only that I loved, and never treated me like dirt. I hate having these sudden urges to check in on their lives and take a gander at what they're up to these days. Bryce I couldn't care for really. We were never serious, and the only thing I remember from him is being bitten on my first kiss. No bueno. Ramiro was a D-bag. Emotionally cheated on my, overall was not a smart decision. He hurt me, and I knew he would. Cameron, was never a relationship. It was stupid, mistake that thankfully didn't result in me loosing my virginity in his truck. Rafael was... exactly that. I really don't know. Mainly because he dumped me, with no explanation. I think after the break up with Carlos, that was the one that hurt the most. I had opened myself, my life, my family up to someone. I let myself develop feelings for this person who I thought felt the same only to find out that overnight, that feeling dissipates. I was 19, I wasn't looking for marriage, just a guy that wouldn't be a total asshole. Why am I rambling? I drank too much tonight. Chris the bartender made me my usual appletini, and then gave me this thing called a scoobysnack and the rest is history. I had walked away from all the pain of those past relationships. I don't understand why I have to be such a girl and remember them. I wish I could erase them from my mind. It hurts to think about them, and I hate seeing them around campus, and seeing them happy. I wish I could warn the girls they're with to run and never look back because that is exactly what they'll do to you in the end.

Nights like these I wish Tony was here. He's going through such a rough time with his family and he needs space. I understand that. He makes me feel like not every guy in the world is going treat me like shit, and makes me believe in that "L" word again. No not Lesbian, L-O...Let's not jinx it. haha...Speaking of lezies, one was totally rubbing up against Edgar tonight. It was funny. Me and Kayleigh watched and laughed because she was so drunk. Every time she'd sit back down she'd fall asleep. Speaking of sleep. I'm out.

i wish i could have the last say

it's been bugging me for quite some time now.

his memory lingers.

and everday i think, and wonder if he thinks about me.

probably. probably not i think to myself. i'm not that kind of memory.

i wish i had that stability back. in my confidant. something i was always sure of. but i don't think he would trust me again. and then i wish i had that person to talk to. about the things that i love, and loved, and dreamt, and feared, and questioned.

i digress

Forevers and some not-so-forevers

I've realized.

I'm contemplating. the mistakes and decisions i've made

Carlos. he was perfect. do i still want to marry him someday. i don't know.maybe. who knows. he's a forever kinda guy. i like that.

Rafael. he knew a lot. i experience many firsts with that boy. glad i never had sex with him. but he's nothing i want for a long term forever.


i guess i'm just waiting to see if what me and carlos had was really,real. i just didn't know how it was back then. and i want to know if it can be. but i don't know if he can accept the fact that i've dated other guys.


one things for sure. Eugene is a forever kinda guy, and my kinda forever guy. He supports me and loves me nad I'm so blessed to have a brother like him.

Days like today

Sometimes I wonder why I have days when I lapse. There are little things throughout the day that remind me of him and it's disheartening. Days like today I guess. I thought to myself, I wonder what he's doing, and what he's writing about on his xanga, and if he ever writes of me, or even if he thinks of me once in a while. I write things in here that I want to share, but nobody to share them with. And I keep this thought in the back of my mind, that if I share this with him, he could help me make sense of myself. Like he did before. I thought. But, it made him realize that he doesn't want me. I wonder if anything that happened between us had any effect in his life. But in the end we've said are dues, and I've watched as he walked away. Ironic. That was his screen name on xanga. I checked it today. It wasn't the first time, I have in the past. I'm always curious to see if he'd ever let me back into his life, and see him for who he is. But, do I want to? Yes. That's what drew me to him, his honesty, and rawness, and spontenaity. I miss that very much. I wish I had that once more. I wish we could be better friends. Now, it is the occasional text message that I always send when I miss him and want to feel that connection once more. I miss our talks, and stuff we'd do. I see his friends around school, and they always want me to come back and hang out. I see him every so often, but he never has time to talk, very busy with studying of course. My professors talk of him, without knowing what happened between us. So do my friends. It's been rough. But, it's been a lot easier. But days like today, whenever everything reminds you of what you had, and lost. These days seem to really be draining.

Autumn Leaves

It's cold tonight. It feels very autumny.

I've been debating on whether or not to share this with raf. Should I email him the permission link to read my blog? I feel that we are losing touch more and more each day. Makes me sad, that it was something that filled me with happiness me, and now has almost no presence in my life.

Part of me wants me to let him read it, because in some wierd way I feel like he'd understand it. And part of me doesn't want to burn that bridge. I don't want that connection to just disipate.

The other part of me is afraid that he'll reject my offer, as if he doesn't even care. Rejection. hmm...how to deal with this fear....

Reject me once, shame on you.
Reject me tiwice, shame on me.

The semester is rolling up quickly. It's gaining speed. which reminds me I must finish writing!

Wellness Blog #1

In an effort to loose wieght, get back in shape, tone down by belly, arms, legs and everything in between. I'm starting a wellness blog. Not only is this something where I can be raw and honest about my feelings of my physical and mental state, but I can use this as a self improvement exercise. And this shall be my first entry.

Tuesday of WEEK 1

weight: 135lbs

worked out today? yes. for 1 and a half. did a cardio and abs circuit with euge then we saw Bryce my ex teaching a combat fitness class. we joined in for a half hour.

breakfast: none

lunch: salad and water

dinner: not yet.

snacks throughout the day? chewy sour smarty things. but only to keep me awake through my last class.

cigs/cigars/hookah/pot: nada I've been thinking of pot. hmm.. I said I'd try it with chris and jason. Just cause I was curious as to why I'm so vehemently against something I have no knowledge of. Is that naivete?

relationship/friendship wise? My friendship with raf is good. We text and talk occasionally but I don't feel the need anymore to try to make small talk. We moved on. Human after all huh? lol. I'm worried that Priss maybe going down a very long and very confusing path. I'm just trying my best to be there for her. She has had fracture in her foot for a year. ....i know. Me and euge are hanging out more. I am happy.I just want my body to reflect that now. We are both going through transformations.I'm coming into my own style and euge is thinking of dumping eddie. He is just holding him back. But he needs to figure that out on his own terms.

state of mind: tired, healthy, lots of homework to do!!!

My Ass Hurts

Sean Jones is losing his appeal. socking I know. maybe he just looked a mess today so i wasn't too into him as i usually am.
david gallegos on the other hand is still looking quite fine. he has this mysterious shyness about him that i like.
my new friend craig is adorable. i think we will be very good friends in the future, he's like a chipmunk, and he's very smart. type a personality. i can roll.
Los is just a friend. went to teazers. no feelings of reboundness. it felt good. had a chat. soaked up some sun and some tea then i dropped him off at borders.

overall a splendid afternoon of mocktrial and teazer

After Raf I've felt no feelings of Rebound? It's funny, fresh, I feel independent.

I'm so sore from Euge's hard ass core workout yesterday. My ass, and thighs, and abs hurt like a mother. I feel good, even though it's painful. a good pain. My goal is to get tones for the tournaments so I can have the rockin body to go with the rockin attorney/witness. lol I just want to look good enough so that my self esteem is fine, and i have courage.

Must go back to study. I like blogging. It gives my mind a little debriefing. Back to reading the Melesians. I have a quiz!!!

We'll I guess you'll say, What Can Make Me Feel This Way?

I like leaning on him. Doing crazy thing with him. Being tacky, and wacky and silly with him. I like cheering with him. Eating with him. Drinking with him. I like talking to him, and singing with him, and being stupid with him. I like pretending to be mad at him. I really like it when he leans his head on me.

I like being his girl.

:]

Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

I very much like being with my fella.

I don't know if it's because we see each other every otherday and not everyday, but I miss him when he's not around, and can't wait till the next time I get to hug him again, and kiss him.

This semester is going to be busy. Everytime I have a break he has class, and whenever he has a break I have class. I was able to get every Saturday off from work so that I get at least one "ME" day every week. Then I can catch up on homework, and spend the day with Raf. I really like my boss. She understands.

We're going to the Grizzle's game tonight. :] This feel is very much winning my heart over. I wonder....if he wonders....that I wonder. The other night we were talking about how he like his me time and he said he worries that it would offend me in the future if we moved in together and instead of wanting to cuddle or do something with me he just wanted to read or be by himself in his room. Hell!! I was just happy that he said "if we moved in together". I know I would want my Me time too man. Just cause I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm clingy 24/7! lol.

Anyways I'm going to the baseball game with my babe, and nothing seems better right now.

Oh Orange Monkey, How I Adore you So

well well well....
he may understand me more than i thought.

???????? i'm eating a lollipop that I can't seem to figure out if it's orange or cherry....or punch! strange things are afoot.

Went went bowling the other night with some friends. Chilled at Eddie's apartment. Drank, Ate, Drank...and I felt comfortable with him.

Oh lest I forget. I like his style. Small town innocence, intellectutal love with an urban soul. I very much like the way he looks with a button down collar shirt with the sleeves rolled up. And his pants. :p Yup....he's so very very very very very good lookin.

Went to the st. agnes heritage fair. much delight was had by all. raf won me a retro vested blue stripe tied ornage monkey. We rode the ferris wheel which brought me back memories of that one scene in the Notebook when Noah first saw Ally. Rode the Gravitator. Made me want to throw up. lol Ate a ton of food, and wathed some cool dancing and bands.

My parents looked happy tonight. :]

Patience is a Virtue; and Life is a Waiting Game

I think I should really start to follow through on my quasi-life-philosophy of being simple. It's helped in the past. I've started to not drink as much at work, which has helped me looses weight. And I've cut down on the amount of alchohol I drink so yeah. All I need to work on is my diet and exercise. Ew...dreaded words eh? fuck it. I'm trying it...maybe. lol

Yesterday I watched Michael Moore's movie SICKO with my father. Both my parents are in the medical field, and after watching that I still can't stand how they can be happy working in such a flawed and unfair system. No reform, no compensation, no care for the sick, the poor- nothing? I'd rather live in France or Britain, or even Cuba! Or I could just move back to Canada, at least I'd know I'm not going to get screwed over if me or my family get's ill, or goes to college.

After the fight with Rafael I feel much closer to him spiritually, emotionally, physically. But, I know already know that my faith and trust i him has faltered. I don't know if he will do the same thing to me if we have another fight. And I'm sure we will. I'm just being realistic not pessemistic. He ignored me, was rude to me, and it made me feel worthless and insignificant. I know now that he knows that it's possible to have a fight that's good for your relationship. But, I don't know if he has built up the trust in himself to pull through more fights. I don't know if he will think that it's not worth fighting for and just quit me and leave. I don't know? I wish I could have more confidence, but for now all the confidence I have is in what I know. I know that he is good for me, and I am good for him. No matter how different he thinks we are, and how many problems we have. For some reason I think we both need to experience this relationship. For different reasons.

I wish I could teach him to trust more than himself, and that while you practice caution in relationships, caustion musn't hinder your ability to take risks and and get hurt once in a while. Cause we don't want to die without any scars. It's the only way we learn.
For me, I want him because he keeps teaching me new things about myself, and about him everyday. This mature relationship is something we've both never experience and I need to experience this with someone who is as doubtful (if not more), and as cautious, and inspired as I. I want to know that I have affected his life for the better; and I want him to know that he's affected my life for the better. Whether or not he chooses to stay with me or not. In the end I think it will be his decision. I don't know how committed he is to me, and because of that I to him. Right now things are good. How far it will go? I don't know. Time will only tell. All I do now is live, and wait.