starting now.

i need to stop settling for less than i deserve.

THE F LIST: qualities that are to be avoided. and specimens are to discarded promptly
men who:
treat me like shit
are needy
obsessive
attach themselves to quickly
expect sex
ask for sex
beg for sex
move to quickly
call me their girlfriend when i'm not
don't take me out on actual dates
who don't like my friends
who are short
fat
ugly
inside and out
intellectually inept
scared of commitment
younger than me
more than 3 years older than me
stoners
homophobes
sexaholics
alchohilics
meth addicts
workaholics
money obsessed
broke
conservative
republican
are not interested in the outdoors
politics
philosophy
food
sports
art
travel
my parents despise and don't trust
who i don't trust
i feel sorry for

harder days

There's never an easy breakup.
The first two days I was fine. But today, I miss him. I wish him well. I want to be friends with him. He's a guy I don't want to cut out of my life. Perhaps it'll work out. He is a great guy, and I just miss his hugs today.

breaking up is hard to do...sometimes.

well. it's times like these when i'd usually say some philosophical emotionally charged quote like "this too shall pass" but. it's not fitting. not anymore. since that train has passed months ago. how crazy of an emotional rollercoaster being with him was. it began as party night with a couple beers and random makeout session. to our first date and then a full blow relationship. to finally realizing we're too different, and that he can't make me happy. i have standards. yes they are high. and i'm not willing to settle. it wasn't a waste of time. he made me realize the things I don't want in a relationship, the things i'm not looking for in man. he has good intentions. but unfortunately, he can't back them up. he doesn't know what he wants in life, and he doesn't have time or money for anything but himself.

i broke up with tony today. the first time i've ever had too break up with someone. boys have always broken up with me. but today i broke up with a man. man that sounds corny but its true. and he took it like a man. except for the part where he tried to twist it around and try to break up with me. but then i reminded him why I was doing the breaking up. i am a fabulous girl friend. and he didn't appreciate me. so that's life. I move on. he asked if we could be friends. i told him maybe in the future but not now. i definitely need space. but that was never a problem for him. in fact space was the only thing he was good at giving me. that says alot about our sex life. haha... well. i'm happy. i have my friends. my family. my health. and man did i look smokin hott today! lol.okay i will stop. but i love my new hair. a fresh start. refocusing on things that make me happy, and goals instead of being frustrated and hurt all the time.


life is good.

to do lists.

Just know that a lot has happened since my last post. I don't feel the need to write about it to nonexistent readership. With of course the exception of myself and perhaps that fly on my wall.
The sonoma comp went well. I think I could have placed, had I actually signed up for the damn thing. But ce la vie. right? I find myself questioning my relationships. It hurts. I know what I want, and I know the truth, and I know what I'm settling for, and I know my fucking goals. I just can't seem to shake the daunting feeling that I'm going to hurt him. Or he's going to hurt me. I wish he'd just get it over with already, he seems to be trying to give me excuses. Excuses and words I don't believe. I don't see it. I don't feel it. I can hear him say these things that sound wonderful, and lovely, and exactly what I want. That's the problem, it's exactly what I want to hear. But when talk turns to action, there's little to be desired of. And we go back to the cicular motions of me needing to talk to him about things that upset me, worry me, scare me. I contemplate breaking up with him. Thinking it will make things better. I then realize I'm too easily a quitter when the times get hard. But now that I think of it. Our times aren't even that hard. They're just non existent. We climb at the gym. Occasionally a few times a week I'll to his house. Apart from that. What is this? He says all he needs is me and that I'm important to him. He needs me, but he doesn't love me. I'm important to him, but not important enough to call in 3 days. I don't buy his excuse. Even if I did have finals. Would he not care enough to call or text me good luck. Or even worse, before he gave me that excuse would he not care enough to hear my voice at night, just to say goodnight, and see how my day is going? Why is it that I care so much about this? It's because that's what I expect in a boyfriend. It's the things that I shouldn't have to say, that he should want to do. Things that he shouldn't be forced to do. I hate feeling like I'm just another task on his to do list. I hate even more that I'm not even on that list. I'd rather be alone, than be with someone who makes me feel like they don't care about me or my life.

....actually.

i was just lying in his arms.

we were watching a movie, underworld II

he made potstickers

wine

soda

i looked at him and he squeezed me tighter.

then he kissed me. and i kissed him back.

it's hard not to think about a future with him.

i think i love this man.

vLife

had a kick ass time with good friends at my first comp at yosemite fitness yesterday. climbed hard but still could not resist the feelings of inadequacy.

sonoma in a couple weeks. let's hope i get it into gear.

i have a lot to think about.

spring break just doesn't seem long enough.

no bueno

I am very distraught.
and upset.
and I feel disrespected.
so close to throwing in the towel.
what's the use when there not even a hint of communication.

I should not be blogging about feelings.

sometimes i wish i could read minds.

Letting go of the past is something I've always had a hard time doing. Whenever I feel unsure or insecure about something or someone, I always have this habit of trying to find something or someone I feel sure of, or feel secure with. I sublimate my fears with the familiar. It's hard, especially when you have good memories you can easily revert back to.

I don't like putting myself out there. With friendships, and relationships. I'm a hypocrite. I'll tell you to go for it, to let yourself go, and be open, honest and vulnerable to someone. But, I myself, refuse to do it. I'll put my toe in, and immediately take it out the moment I get scared. And right now, I am mortified. I'm frustrated that I don't know what the hell is running through your mind. One moment you adore me, mr. wonderful, mr. loves planning for the future. The next, you're almost impossible to reach, and contact is cold. I don't know if you're playing games or you just need space or just need time to yourself but you make me want to run away.

I'm trying to be open and honest but it's hard to be there for someone who won't let you. Who has no time for you.

jesus....i sound like an after school special. one of those wretched needy girlfriends. somebody stop me already. he's going through a rough time, why can't i just sit still? fucking trust issues.


song of the day: beautiful mess by mr. mraz.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

iWife

Sometimes I wonder if what my future holds is marriage. You know the happy kind. The kind you hear about but you know deep down it never exists. And if it does exits, it's one of those stepford wives scenarios where the husband is some misogynistic schmuck who goes to work at some huge company, cheats with his secretary, all the while his wife is home playing dirty whore with the pool boy waiting for the man to bring home the bacon. I am so over this so called American Dream. This ideal to be prosperous; go to school, make a lot of money, get married, have 2 1/2 kids. For what? To die trying to find the remanents of your past life when you were alive, and were actually human? No. I can't. Not for me. I've never really liked the idea of being someone's property either. Sure, it's a nice thought that perhaps in some far off, distant, alternate universe soul mates exist. But, I've come to realize that maybe they don't. Maybe it's just the same sociological bird feed we are spoon fed when we are little, you know, the kind that makes us think we can do anything, and be anything we want? I mean, I like the idea of having a wedding. It's nice, romantic, idealistic. But, what do either people who partake in such contract really accumalte from it? Joint checking accounts, unruley in-laws, and a lifetime of arguments, and "what-if's"Alright...I know I'm getting entirely nihilistic for my own good, but I need to be this critical when something so blantant is staring me right in the eye, telling me to snap out of it. I don't do well in relationships for entirely this reason. I think to much. I think of my past relationships. I think that maybe that they are doomed to fail, and those realtionships that turn into marriage will either end up in divorce or leave the couple eternaly regretful.

Lately, I've been feeling very self centered. In a selfish way. I'm closing off my closest friends. For what reason. I don't know. I just find it less appealing to reveal every nook and cranny of my life to my peers. Perhaps I feel like they have their own lives and honestly deep down don't really care about things going on in my life. It's a shitty thing to say. But I've grown old trying to convince myself that people care about what you go through.

Salsa, Stone's, Vini's,Denny's

Jane's Bday at Bj's at 8
Drinks with friends at Vini's at 9
Sweatin' till our clothes came off at Salsa @ Starline at 10
Busting out the dirty grind at Vini's Reggae night at 12
Denny's Slamburger at 2am.
Getting to spend the whole night with and incredible guy who makes me insanely happy


= Awesome night.



I'm very much liking the fact that nights like these, an feelings like this, are occurring much more frequently these days.

ELLO LEVANTAME!

Going salsa dancing tonight. I can hardly wait. I've been itching to go since god knows when. I just hope I don't look like a fool since I haven't been dancing, and like all things that need practice, I probably suck now. Either way, Starline better get ready for some sexy time because we are definitely going to heat things up. bahaah...i'm such a loser. Right. WELL... I better practice huh? Tony is taking me tonight. His friends are supposed to be really good....I'm nervous. I always said that I need a man who loves to dance. I am super happy. Wow, this entry is so haphazard..But which one isn't. I should really try not to write in a stream of consciousness. But that would be doomed to fail anyways. LA SALSA NUNCA SE ACABA!

I see you're heart, I'll raise you mine.

I'm starting to climb on the fresno state/yosfit team. It's fun. The people on the team are cool, and chill and I think this is going to be a great way to improve and strengthen my climbing. I worked out with eugene today. It's always fun to see him, he's grown so much as a person. He's definitely going places, and going to do great things. I'm psychic, did I mention that? Met up for lunch with Mr. Boyfriend at Eddie's and for some reason his eyes were this a darker shade of green, but they stood out, especially when we sat outside and the sun hit them. I always wished I had a different eye color. Maybe blue, but then that would be weird. I wish this weekend was over already. I can't stand mock trial, or the people in it. Burned out, is one way to describe the feeling.

Currently, listening to my ipod blaring in the background and this song came on. Love songs don't annoy me so much anymore. ha..go figure. I wish there was a legit espresso house in Fresno. This place proves time and time agian how pitful, and dreary it is. But then it confuses you with the amazing people you meet here. Dad is moving to Canada. I feel sad. I don't like talking about it, although I know I should.

girls grow up.

I find my self not being able to stand certain people. Specifically young girls. Their immaturity annoys me, and I find myself grinding my teeth in order to not say things which would ultimately crush their pedantic, pop culture, monotone dreams. One of my greatest fears is that I used to be one of those. ughhh... I feel old. Even though I'm not. I feel like I don't mesh with these girls. I refer to them as kids though they are only 2 years the younger, and I talk down to them like a parent would berate their devilish hyperactive child. I resent them for having such simplistic view of life, of their complete disregard for life's complexities and their own lavish, self-absorbed existence. I don't listen to them anymore. They think I'm a bitch. I'm just realistic and I don't want to listen to their stupid stories about how they totally know Taylor Swift, or the omg so awesome party their sorority threw last night, or the no way i totally have the blouse in pink i love it, or their socks or stupid dogs.. I'm tired of it. Girls, grow up. When I have my earphones in even though my ipod is dead, take a hint, and shoo.

Mr. Perfect first date, turned to Mr. Many Perfect Dates, has turned into Mr. Boyfriend, as he has had me smiling, and laughing, and experiencing the joy of getting to know somebody you know would impact your life. I find myself being able to talk to him about things that bother me, of things that worry me, of things I love, aspire to do, frustrate, and wish to experience. He spent the holidays with me and my family and on New Years we saw B.B. King live. Needless to say, I started the year of right this time. Not intoxicated, and with someone I feel safe, comfortable, and who's company is beyond enjoyable. Besides my family and my best friends he's the one of the few people I actually enjoy being around and having fun with. I like this feeling very much

random

yes ma i had a date tonight....


it was pretty damn fun. it began so randomly meeting at ryan's party...with a random guy i randomly met at the rock gym who just randomly happened to be ryan's 2nd cousin and who randomly showed up to one of our mock trial parties. lol. watched Australia, probably one of the best date movies...love, action, comedy, everything. it was just a lovely evening with a very lovely fella. met up at the bookstore, it was early so we could still catch the first showing. after the movie it was pretty late so everything was pretty closed but it was fine. grabbed a burger at in n out...then drove around.....and probably stayed in the parking lot saying goodbye but failing miserably for an hour. it was a "i don't want to let you go" moment. and he said it several times. this guy is not a player as some of his friends are....i like him...it was what a date should be. he was a gentlemen throughout. and i of course, was delightful, humurous, flirtatious, etc. i did find myself having to hold myself back from tearing apart his clothes when he kissed me on the neck, breathed and nibbled on my ears....that was unbearable.

i have to admit i was nervous. really nervous. wondering if i should have an escape plan. lol but i knew i didn't because he wasn't like one of the losers i had gone out with in the past. those dates that crashed and burned. never again! never dating boys ever again! only men. i just was nervous that maybe if i couldn't have a good date with this guy it was really just something wrong with me. not them. but it wasn't . it really was them. because tonight was just right.

he doesn't play games. i dig that.

i wish i could have the last say

it's been bugging me for quite some time now.

his memory lingers.

and everday i think, and wonder if he thinks about me.

probably. probably not i think to myself. i'm not that kind of memory.

i wish i had that stability back. in my confidant. something i was always sure of. but i don't think he would trust me again. and then i wish i had that person to talk to. about the things that i love, and loved, and dreamt, and feared, and questioned.

i digress

cigarettes

27 Dresses: Gave me hope that real, honest, good men still exist, and that maybe it's ok to want to be in love.

My friend Jacob is this amazing guy. His girl doesn't treat him the way he deserves. I wish I could tell him the things I want to tell him. But the last thing I want is to be responsible for their breakup in any way. I remember him when he was so vibrant, and alive, happy and easy going. Now he's always sad, angry, stressed out. He's so incredible in the way he lives. His eyes are this peircing shade of ocean blue. He cares for everybody and is always in control. An absolute gentlemen. He smokes so much he's going to the doctor. We don't know if it's cancer. But if it is, I will absolutely just die. I want to tell him things... but I can't.

Who is open minded to vegetarianism, and veganism.
Who can appreciate the little things.
Who can love my parents.
Who can appreciate different art forms like parkour, cubism, and jazz.
Who knows loves music as intensely as I.
Who knows how to play an instrument.
Who embraces their culture and other cultures.
Who loves to dance as much as I.
Who knows how to salsa, and swing.
Who is comfortable staying in, cooking dinner, and reading.
Who likes to be healthy.
Who likes to work out.
Who is ambitious.
Who sets reasonable goals.
Who works, and actually likes what he does.
Who loves children.
Who knows how to shop.
Who has his own sense of style.
Who isn't one of those label bitches.
Who likes cigars, and won't judge me for smoking.
Who doesn't drink to get drunk, but on social occasions.
Who can repsect what I love.
Who is reliable.
Who is there when he says he will be, not 20 minutes late.
Who is independent.

Forevers and some not-so-forevers

I've realized.

I'm contemplating. the mistakes and decisions i've made

Carlos. he was perfect. do i still want to marry him someday. i don't know.maybe. who knows. he's a forever kinda guy. i like that.

Rafael. he knew a lot. i experience many firsts with that boy. glad i never had sex with him. but he's nothing i want for a long term forever.


i guess i'm just waiting to see if what me and carlos had was really,real. i just didn't know how it was back then. and i want to know if it can be. but i don't know if he can accept the fact that i've dated other guys.


one things for sure. Eugene is a forever kinda guy, and my kinda forever guy. He supports me and loves me nad I'm so blessed to have a brother like him.

Days like today

Sometimes I wonder why I have days when I lapse. There are little things throughout the day that remind me of him and it's disheartening. Days like today I guess. I thought to myself, I wonder what he's doing, and what he's writing about on his xanga, and if he ever writes of me, or even if he thinks of me once in a while. I write things in here that I want to share, but nobody to share them with. And I keep this thought in the back of my mind, that if I share this with him, he could help me make sense of myself. Like he did before. I thought. But, it made him realize that he doesn't want me. I wonder if anything that happened between us had any effect in his life. But in the end we've said are dues, and I've watched as he walked away. Ironic. That was his screen name on xanga. I checked it today. It wasn't the first time, I have in the past. I'm always curious to see if he'd ever let me back into his life, and see him for who he is. But, do I want to? Yes. That's what drew me to him, his honesty, and rawness, and spontenaity. I miss that very much. I wish I had that once more. I wish we could be better friends. Now, it is the occasional text message that I always send when I miss him and want to feel that connection once more. I miss our talks, and stuff we'd do. I see his friends around school, and they always want me to come back and hang out. I see him every so often, but he never has time to talk, very busy with studying of course. My professors talk of him, without knowing what happened between us. So do my friends. It's been rough. But, it's been a lot easier. But days like today, whenever everything reminds you of what you had, and lost. These days seem to really be draining.