The Ethical Slut

It's official pap smears rank up there amoungst the uncomforatble moments right next to having your mom or pops walk in while your and your bf/gf are doing "stuff", and being asked to come over to see Jesse's apartment after work. Let me clarify. Jesse is a regular at my store. He comes in every, single morning, sometimes at the most busiest time of the morning, to get his cup of death. We nicknamed it the suicide. The drink is fuckin legendary and Jesse is a fuckin legend. It's a pump of every syrup we have (sometimes more), 3 packets of raw sugar, and 8 shots of espresso with whip. Nasty. When you drink a taste of it, you will gag and feel like your stomach acid has actually met it's match. And Jesse, he's a short, staunchy fella, who is mentally handicapped and about 38-40yrs of age, if I would take a gander. So you can see why it's be a bit uncomfortable if he asked you (a 19 yr old) to come over to his apartment after you got off from work.... eek.

Anyways I had my first pap today. It was different. Nothing nice about it. My Gyno is pretty nice but it was still wierd to have my legs sprawlled out with my Va-j-j just chillen while she lubed up at proceeded to stick that dreaded labia seperator and that trident looking like thing in me. Then the HPV exam was just straight up violating. I felt like Peter Griffen when he got his prostate exam. She just pushed and felt me right up, and I just squeezed my eyes shut and grinded my teeth hoping for her to finish soon. What took minutes felt like an hour. But I guess I'm just a prude. The only person I want feeling me up down there is my boyfriend.

Last night I went to Shelby's going away dinner with some coworkers and Raf. Yoshino's is scrumpdiddilyumptious, and Raf looked sexy. Even though he wore a metro sexual shirt I still thought he looked spankin. :P Anyways, after dinner we went to Borders and strolled through the asiles until we came to the sex section. That was fun, reading this book BLOW HIM away. Very interesting. lol. I thought it was funny that it was next to the self help section, and I laughed when I saw the book "How to Save Your Marriage" right next to "The Ethical Slut" and "How to Dommineer". Yes America, this is it. We solve your problems with SEX. Meh..I have no comment.

Que Sera Sera Whatever Will Be Will Be

His kisses feel so much more than an act of desire or sexuality...it's like for that moment I really get to touch him, his being, and I'm given a sliver of hope that he will someday...maybe...want to love me.

When we're naked it doesn't even matter, I'm comfortable, and warm. It's beyond sexual.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling that my chest has been really sore. I didn't know what it was. When I did my monthly self breast exam last Wednesday I found a bump in my left breast almost into my armpit. Luckily my Doctor is new to town so she doesn't have many patients yet so I was able to schedule an emergency breast exam, bloodtest, and mammogram. She found 3 bumps; two in my left and one in my right. I get the results tomorrow afternoon, and lately I've been pretty nonchalant about the entire thing. I've only told Raf and my Mom. My Dad thinks I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow for just a pap smear. But it'll be a whole lot more. I didn't want to worry him. He has a tendency to over worry. Especially with medical things because he's had a history of tumors in his family. My Mom had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and plus she always reminds me to do a self check every month. I always jump to the worst conclusions but this time I've decided to just let the chips fall where they may. There's nothing I can do until I know, and there's no point in worrying about something not confirmed yet. For the past week I've been fine, and everything feels just the same. I still don't eat well, and I don't exercise, and I work a lot and am stressed quite often. It could be a whole number of other things. We will just have to see tomorrow....