Walk, Don't Run.

Nobody said that the walk would be easy.  I still expected it though, foolishly as I usually do with all my new encounters and experiences that are at first glorious bouts of happiness and joyful tears. My life has been changed, I am saved through Christ. Now it is my turn to love God with my whole heart, and have my life be an example that glorifies Him. I just want everything I am to be a testament of His love for us. My desire for that will probably never come to fruition as I am a natural sinner. I will fall into temptation. I will fall short. I can try right? I should still try.  Here comes the dilemma...

My past is now catching up to me. Trying to stay true to my convictions as a follower of Christ, learning what it actually means to be a follower of Christ, and now having to deal with the repercussions of my past idols: spiritual freedom, equality, the "Right to choose", gay rights, science, sex, drugs, work, school. Oh! The list is dreadfully endless. All those things I upheld with the greatest importance in the past are in complete dissonance to what matters most to me now- God.

But, I'm just trying to avoid the whole point of me writing this- to somehow make sense of what I'm so afraid of.

In part, I would be lying to you (distant reader), if I said that this subject I intend to share with you has been troubling me for quite some time. Truthfully, only recently has this subject been brought to the forefront of my heart. Very recently, in fact. Partially because I'm so afraid of confronting it that I have put other subjects and problems ahead in order to delay the realization that I must face this. So it's been brewing, and here it is:

One of my closest friends, Eugene is gay man. A few months ago he became engaged to his boyfriend of several years and they asked me to be a part of his wedding party.`I've known Eugene since high school. During our college years we were attached at the hip. Inseparable. I was there when he came out as an openly gay man. He was there for me through all my ups and downs.  I've been with him on his journey for so long.  And now, it's all about to change. I cannot support his homosexuality and at the same time call myself a follower of Christ. Being a part of his wedding to another man is showing my support for gay marriage.

I just can't do it. 

My internal conflict with dealing with this issue is due to my fear of finally realizing my hypocrisy. I am a hypocrite. I love Eugene. He is my brother. I supported him in the past because I love him. Now, I am realizing that it is because I love him that I cannot support his lifestyle anymore. I will never been one of those self proclaimed Christians who protest around college campuses holding signs and yelling phrases of "God Hates Fags". That is not living Christ-like. I would never hate any of my gay friends. I couldn't. But, I can't support them. I can't support them because their relationship does not glorify God. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect in that realm, but I am trying my damn hardest to try and build my relationship with Ben in a manner that God wanted. I am not judging homosexuals, it is not my job. My only job is to love God, and to love on others regardless of their sexual orientation, race, background and spread the Gospel.

Being honest with Eugene now, and in the grand scheme of things, all my gay friends, is going to be tough. It's going to flat out suck.  I am so afraid of loosing their friendships. I don't want too to loose their friendships. It's going to hurt and naturally I'm going to run from things that hurt me. (I have very sensitive pain receptors haha... ok bad joke). Even greater than the fear of loosing friendships, is my fear of loosing the pathway to tell them about God and in consequence the pathway to their Salvation as well. I don't want to be just another statistic to them; telling them that God hates them because of the way they live. I don't want to turn my back on them. God didn't turn his back on me when I resisted His love, so why would I do that to my brothers and sisters?

My current big ass horse pill that I'm trying to swallow is just getting over my fear of loosing friendships. I know what I said and valiantly supported in the past contradicts who I am now. I accept that I was lost. I accept my hypocrisy. Now, I have to put God first. My relationship with him, and my life being a testament to His love far exceeds a million fold my worldly relationships. If I loose some, I loose some. But, I still need to try and love on the lost regardless. If nobody showed me love, in my darkest and most despicable hour, I would have never come to know Christ.

I can run away from my problems so easily. It's my walk of faith that gets harder.

to do lists.

Just know that a lot has happened since my last post. I don't feel the need to write about it to nonexistent readership. With of course the exception of myself and perhaps that fly on my wall.
The sonoma comp went well. I think I could have placed, had I actually signed up for the damn thing. But ce la vie. right? I find myself questioning my relationships. It hurts. I know what I want, and I know the truth, and I know what I'm settling for, and I know my fucking goals. I just can't seem to shake the daunting feeling that I'm going to hurt him. Or he's going to hurt me. I wish he'd just get it over with already, he seems to be trying to give me excuses. Excuses and words I don't believe. I don't see it. I don't feel it. I can hear him say these things that sound wonderful, and lovely, and exactly what I want. That's the problem, it's exactly what I want to hear. But when talk turns to action, there's little to be desired of. And we go back to the cicular motions of me needing to talk to him about things that upset me, worry me, scare me. I contemplate breaking up with him. Thinking it will make things better. I then realize I'm too easily a quitter when the times get hard. But now that I think of it. Our times aren't even that hard. They're just non existent. We climb at the gym. Occasionally a few times a week I'll to his house. Apart from that. What is this? He says all he needs is me and that I'm important to him. He needs me, but he doesn't love me. I'm important to him, but not important enough to call in 3 days. I don't buy his excuse. Even if I did have finals. Would he not care enough to call or text me good luck. Or even worse, before he gave me that excuse would he not care enough to hear my voice at night, just to say goodnight, and see how my day is going? Why is it that I care so much about this? It's because that's what I expect in a boyfriend. It's the things that I shouldn't have to say, that he should want to do. Things that he shouldn't be forced to do. I hate feeling like I'm just another task on his to do list. I hate even more that I'm not even on that list. I'd rather be alone, than be with someone who makes me feel like they don't care about me or my life.

no bueno

I am very distraught.
and upset.
and I feel disrespected.
so close to throwing in the towel.
what's the use when there not even a hint of communication.

vodka makes me emo,

I think Carlos is the only one of my ex-boyfriends that I like seeing succeed, and be happy. Maybe that's because he's the only that I loved, and never treated me like dirt. I hate having these sudden urges to check in on their lives and take a gander at what they're up to these days. Bryce I couldn't care for really. We were never serious, and the only thing I remember from him is being bitten on my first kiss. No bueno. Ramiro was a D-bag. Emotionally cheated on my, overall was not a smart decision. He hurt me, and I knew he would. Cameron, was never a relationship. It was stupid, mistake that thankfully didn't result in me loosing my virginity in his truck. Rafael was... exactly that. I really don't know. Mainly because he dumped me, with no explanation. I think after the break up with Carlos, that was the one that hurt the most. I had opened myself, my life, my family up to someone. I let myself develop feelings for this person who I thought felt the same only to find out that overnight, that feeling dissipates. I was 19, I wasn't looking for marriage, just a guy that wouldn't be a total asshole. Why am I rambling? I drank too much tonight. Chris the bartender made me my usual appletini, and then gave me this thing called a scoobysnack and the rest is history. I had walked away from all the pain of those past relationships. I don't understand why I have to be such a girl and remember them. I wish I could erase them from my mind. It hurts to think about them, and I hate seeing them around campus, and seeing them happy. I wish I could warn the girls they're with to run and never look back because that is exactly what they'll do to you in the end.

Nights like these I wish Tony was here. He's going through such a rough time with his family and he needs space. I understand that. He makes me feel like not every guy in the world is going treat me like shit, and makes me believe in that "L" word again. No not Lesbian, L-O...Let's not jinx it. haha...Speaking of lezies, one was totally rubbing up against Edgar tonight. It was funny. Me and Kayleigh watched and laughed because she was so drunk. Every time she'd sit back down she'd fall asleep. Speaking of sleep. I'm out.

I should not be blogging about feelings.

sometimes i wish i could read minds.

Letting go of the past is something I've always had a hard time doing. Whenever I feel unsure or insecure about something or someone, I always have this habit of trying to find something or someone I feel sure of, or feel secure with. I sublimate my fears with the familiar. It's hard, especially when you have good memories you can easily revert back to.

I don't like putting myself out there. With friendships, and relationships. I'm a hypocrite. I'll tell you to go for it, to let yourself go, and be open, honest and vulnerable to someone. But, I myself, refuse to do it. I'll put my toe in, and immediately take it out the moment I get scared. And right now, I am mortified. I'm frustrated that I don't know what the hell is running through your mind. One moment you adore me, mr. wonderful, mr. loves planning for the future. The next, you're almost impossible to reach, and contact is cold. I don't know if you're playing games or you just need space or just need time to yourself but you make me want to run away.

I'm trying to be open and honest but it's hard to be there for someone who won't let you. Who has no time for you.

jesus....i sound like an after school special. one of those wretched needy girlfriends. somebody stop me already. he's going through a rough time, why can't i just sit still? fucking trust issues.


song of the day: beautiful mess by mr. mraz.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

iWife

Sometimes I wonder if what my future holds is marriage. You know the happy kind. The kind you hear about but you know deep down it never exists. And if it does exits, it's one of those stepford wives scenarios where the husband is some misogynistic schmuck who goes to work at some huge company, cheats with his secretary, all the while his wife is home playing dirty whore with the pool boy waiting for the man to bring home the bacon. I am so over this so called American Dream. This ideal to be prosperous; go to school, make a lot of money, get married, have 2 1/2 kids. For what? To die trying to find the remanents of your past life when you were alive, and were actually human? No. I can't. Not for me. I've never really liked the idea of being someone's property either. Sure, it's a nice thought that perhaps in some far off, distant, alternate universe soul mates exist. But, I've come to realize that maybe they don't. Maybe it's just the same sociological bird feed we are spoon fed when we are little, you know, the kind that makes us think we can do anything, and be anything we want? I mean, I like the idea of having a wedding. It's nice, romantic, idealistic. But, what do either people who partake in such contract really accumalte from it? Joint checking accounts, unruley in-laws, and a lifetime of arguments, and "what-if's"Alright...I know I'm getting entirely nihilistic for my own good, but I need to be this critical when something so blantant is staring me right in the eye, telling me to snap out of it. I don't do well in relationships for entirely this reason. I think to much. I think of my past relationships. I think that maybe that they are doomed to fail, and those realtionships that turn into marriage will either end up in divorce or leave the couple eternaly regretful.

Lately, I've been feeling very self centered. In a selfish way. I'm closing off my closest friends. For what reason. I don't know. I just find it less appealing to reveal every nook and cranny of my life to my peers. Perhaps I feel like they have their own lives and honestly deep down don't really care about things going on in my life. It's a shitty thing to say. But I've grown old trying to convince myself that people care about what you go through.

dying from a big heart?

this morning i went downstairs to have breakfast with my parents. and as i'm walking down the stairs i see my mom sitting on the couch. she tells me she has a heart problem. and i get really confused. says that she went to the doctor because she had chest pains. the did some ekg or something and saw that she has an enlarged left ventrical in her heart. i have no idea what that means or implies but i know it's not good. so they tested her heart. made her do the treadmill stuff and all that. and it's bad. they put her on meds. my parents aren't being very specific about it, and that worries me. i knew something was up when the other day my mom told my dad to go get her prescription at the drug store, and they never said what it was for. after my mom told me i tried not to cry. but i couldn't help it. so i went toeh refrigerator and pretended like i was just looking for food. luckily i had my hoodie up so they really coudn't see my face. my mom started scaring me when she said that either me or my dad had to be there when she went swimming just in case somethin would happen. then she tried to crack a joke saying that she might end up like my jazz teacher who died of a heart attack fell into a pool and drowned. first Mr. Shaghoian, then Dr. Wallace and no my own mother. I don't know if I can handle this.

i don't know if i'm that strong
but until i find out
i'll be waking up everyday afraid that it's the last day i have with my mom.
afraid that she might have a heart attack
or congestive heart fauilure
or the day that her doctor tells her she needs heart surgery

i feel so selfish
and i can't even stop from crying.
even now
it scares me so much that i loose my breath and i start hyperventalating.
why my mother?

Goodbye Belly Button Ring.

Goodbye naval peircing you were a friend of mine

But you said your dues and made your piece and all you've left me now

is a scar of where you used to be

of where you were in my life.

my belly button is missing you.

it does not sparkle not more

no funny times

no hurtful times

and just like all things

time heals all wounds

but you will leave me a scar which i shall peirce once more in the near future

for i miss you

and i loved you

and now you are gone

for now.

Days like today

Sometimes I wonder why I have days when I lapse. There are little things throughout the day that remind me of him and it's disheartening. Days like today I guess. I thought to myself, I wonder what he's doing, and what he's writing about on his xanga, and if he ever writes of me, or even if he thinks of me once in a while. I write things in here that I want to share, but nobody to share them with. And I keep this thought in the back of my mind, that if I share this with him, he could help me make sense of myself. Like he did before. I thought. But, it made him realize that he doesn't want me. I wonder if anything that happened between us had any effect in his life. But in the end we've said are dues, and I've watched as he walked away. Ironic. That was his screen name on xanga. I checked it today. It wasn't the first time, I have in the past. I'm always curious to see if he'd ever let me back into his life, and see him for who he is. But, do I want to? Yes. That's what drew me to him, his honesty, and rawness, and spontenaity. I miss that very much. I wish I had that once more. I wish we could be better friends. Now, it is the occasional text message that I always send when I miss him and want to feel that connection once more. I miss our talks, and stuff we'd do. I see his friends around school, and they always want me to come back and hang out. I see him every so often, but he never has time to talk, very busy with studying of course. My professors talk of him, without knowing what happened between us. So do my friends. It's been rough. But, it's been a lot easier. But days like today, whenever everything reminds you of what you had, and lost. These days seem to really be draining.

Heart____?

Current mood: crushed

heartbreak: (def) for me it feels like your chest cavity is imploding. you're lungs are still expanding and you're still alive. but the place where your innermost feelings and emotions dwell are targeted and it feels as if you are being frozen and shattered alive from the inside out.
(syn): pain

(ant): that feeling you get in between the area where your ribs meet at the center of your body. it's not superficial it lies physically deep within your gut. as if for a split moment in that area there was an expansion of light and your heart exeriences a wink of nirvana.He says it. and he takes it back. accuses me of lying. Says he wants me to be here and then pushes me away. Everytime he does this I pull back as much as I can. because i want him. and i want this. i want what we have. I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know if I can give whatever it is. I'm trying so damn fuckin hard. But everytime I think we are ok and we're there for each other he finds something to throw back at me. As if I meant for him to get hurt. He says that I will hurt him. but i don't want to. you can never promise not to hurt someone. But I can promise not to lie. I have fears. I have things that I don't say but instead choose to put my trust in him. I fear that he won't be able to come to me with any of our problems. that he will always go to his xanga, or go to Miriam to make him feel better. I feel he trusts her more than me. and I understand that but it still hurts. It still hurts to think that he feels as if I would hurt him like Evelyn did. I'm afraid that everytime he drinks he will second guess what we have. I'm afraid that he will never learn to trust me. I'm afraid that he'll always think that I'm going to hurt him on purpose. It hurts me more to know that he thinks I would do that. I'm afraid that he will run away from imperfection.I hate being compared. It makes me feel like I'm "just another girl". I feel so untrustworthy. So inadequate. Like I don't deserve his trust, and that's why he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now. I don't know what I do, but somehow I manage to crack a shell that I've never even touched.I want this to be genuine. From both sides. I want this to work. I want this to be honest.He has to be honest with himself. Before he can be honest with me.He has to trust himself. Before he can learn to trust me.Until then I just don't know what to do. I can only be here. And wait. Waiting is the hardest part

Ramblings of Teenage Heartbreak, and San Francisco New Beginnings

Carlos and I talked on the phone yesterday night! I've missed hearing from him, and his family. He is doing very well in Stanford, travelled to the Dominican, and doing a summer internship. My not so lil Marino is going to be a fire fighter, and Alejandra is showing up both her big bros at our alma mater. I am still very proud of him. I always knew he would do great things. I really do hope that we can stay in touch in the future. It's been hard to keep in touch these past months, but I think we both needed the distance from each other to move on with our lives. I cleaned out my room today. Looked at old stuff from way back when...mitchell's cd he gave me to ask me out...and the one he gave me when he broke up with me. lol...retard! I also found a pic of my and mitch at six flags. It's really cute. He has hella braces and we look so young! I can't believe we dated. lol It's wierd to think that I thought I was in love with him, when I didn't even know what love was. We're so like brother and sister. UGH NASTY! lol jk. I found a picture of me and Rambo at Morp when we dressed up as Vato Man & Ruben. I have them all because they are horrible pictures. lol I thought about how he treated me so badly, and I got really sad, then looked at the picture and laughed. And then I found ALL the stuff carlos gave me over the years. Notes we passed to each other between classes, in classes, stuffed animals, pictures, our boutiners and corsages from the dances we went to together, his senior pictures, the poems he copied from a website and gave to me (yeah i found you out!) lol, and other memorabilia. I considered throwing it away. But, then I thought to myself. Why? They weren't bad memories, in fact they are really fond memories that I'll always treasure and remember. I considered it because I don't want Raf to get hurt. But then I remembered that he said he didn't want to hurt me. And throwing those things away would hurt me because they are a part of me. So I kept them. I'm not ashamed of my past, and I don't want him to be scared of it. I want him to be ok with me and Carlos still being friends. But he still feels as if me and Carlos never broke up. ...that really bothers me.We broke up. It wasn't in bad taste, it was a mutual and mature decision. And we both wanted it. and needed it. It was the hardest thing I went through and suffered a lot from it. To finally come to the stark realization that you couldn't spend the rest of your life with the person you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I went through a depression, that led to me getting caught in the back of a truck by the cops with some chump who just wanted was to get in my pants. I felt so empty and just tried to fill the void with anything, and when this guy Cameron showed interest in me I was so blinded by the need for that longing to be wanted that I let him take advantage of me. I never told Los that. I guess I never trusted him as much as I thought I did. It's sad to realize that but it's just honesty. I love Carlos, but only as a friend now. We had a fun time, and it was really the most incredible relationship I had back then. I won't apologize for it. But I won't apologize either for moving on and giving the future a chance. I don't just rush into relationships. I think it through, and move slowly. Rafael... he gives me the things I really need. I like him so incredibly much that I find myself having to stop my self from using the L word to soon. In fear that I might scare him away. I don't want this to sound bad but I'm just going lay it out there. He goes just that extra step that non of my ex's ever did. They all just focused on the material things...ok...with a few exceptions. Mitchell was just a strange relationship, and I think we both knew it was doomed cause we weren't committed to each other. Rambo always made me feel like I was some rich snobby girl, and in the end he dumped me cause he had Molly on the back burner. Carlos ... it always had to be extravagent, and I was always hidden in his shadow. Sure it was great, but the moments that were just simple were few and far between. It's hard to explain. With Raf we can do anything together and it would still be amazing. He understands me, and we face problems in our relationship like we should. He's the most honest boyfriend I've ever had. I don't have that fear of him cheating on me, or that fear that he's hiding things from me. He puts in so much effort, and I just want to do the same. Ontop of everything I'm so incredibly attracted to him. I was never sexually attracted to any of my past boyfriends. And it's funny that people assume me and Carlos had sex, and then they find out that I'm still a virgin. But with Rafael....it's so much more than infactuation. It real, tangible, emotional attraction.this blog is getting long so let's cut to the chase...It's wierd to tell Raf that I spoke to Los Mainly cause I know how he can get nervous about things, and get really scared, then really distant. And, I didn't want that to happen again. But I wanted to trust him. I want him to accept my past, accept that I'm still friends with my ex's. They're all still my friends, and without whom I wouldn't be who I am today. I wish he trusted me, that's all. And he tells me he does, but it's that feeling you get....you know what I'm talking about. I want to believe him. But it's hard too. I want this to work out between us so bad, and I'm willing to work for it. Nobody said it would be easy.San Francisco was amazing. It was my Papa, Brudder, my Babe and me. And we had a blast. Walking around town, doing things that couples do lol, holding hands, kissing under trees, taking pictures. Visted china town, union square, japan town, haight street, and deyoung museum. We learned how to lindy hop in the park. It was so much fun. side: my bro loves Raf!!! he doesn't like any of my friends, so this is a huge sign. I'm so happy that raf and my family get along so well...anyways...Raf slept on the floor next to me. lol I felt so bad for him I kept giving him pillows. I held his hand as we fell asleep. And in the morning he was there. It was so incredible to see him the first thing in the morning. I think of "us" and our future, and I like it. I like thinking about it. One day I hope that I can share those thoughts with him.