A Stream Of Consciousness

It's redundant. It's circular. But it's exactly how I feel... in a sense.At times, I'll give up hope that "yeah maybe someday, I'll have freedom.", but somedays, like other days, I'll think "who the fuck needs freedom anyways?" Yes, I know, just a little more cynical, and I could very well fall off the face of the earth. But, I mean lets look at it closely. I've lived in this bubble of perpetual motion of standards, of images, of wealth, of damn fuckin superficiality for so long, that I'm numb to whatever crosses my path as the aforementioned. It doesn't bother me. But now, it bothers me that it doesn't bother me.I've met some really cool people lately. It confuses me. I know that makes no sense. Don't try to analyze that, and I won't try to elaborate. Ok maybe I will. Cool people. They're awesome and make me happy. They belong together. But, I still don't know. And I don't know why I don't know, and the fact that I don't know why I don't know bothers me because I always know...I think.......? But, for some reason I'm fine with not knowing, and it's been a long fucking time since I've been so sure of not knowing. I don't know if it's because of cool people, or because of the state I'm in when I'm with cool people. But it's cool. ya dig? But , I just want to let go. Still, no matter how shitty circumstances are, I just want to let it go, and be myself. It's selfish, and in a lot of ways greedy. Maybe that's just who I've become. Or who I'm longing to be. I odn't know. I hope I'm not like that. Am I like that? I don't know. Those are harsh words.I don't know what I'm trying to derive from this nonsense. That maybe I wonder if he wonders that I wonder... Or maybe I feel like I'm being pushed away the more they try to supress me, and that depresses me like none other because I value them and I hope someday we'll have the relationship I'd hope to have. Or maybe that I'm still hurt by that fact, you called me just to put me down. Or maybe you say that your sorry but every chance you get it's all about your damn fuckin self. Or maybe because I wish they'd trust me more. Or maybe because I don't know how to tell you that it's done. Or maybe because I feel inferior towards you and you have no idea, and I'm afraid of what it might do for me and whatever little chance I have. Or maybe because I've turned into something I'm not, and I'm hating myself for this. Or maybe that I'm still trying to figure things out...because I just dont friggen KNOW!?and nights. like tonight. i don't care that i don't know.i'm pissed. I think that's what I'm trying to say.pissed and confused.there two words to describe what all that crap was about. go figure.