starting now.

i need to stop settling for less than i deserve.

THE F LIST: qualities that are to be avoided. and specimens are to discarded promptly
men who:
treat me like shit
are needy
obsessive
attach themselves to quickly
expect sex
ask for sex
beg for sex
move to quickly
call me their girlfriend when i'm not
don't take me out on actual dates
who don't like my friends
who are short
fat
ugly
inside and out
intellectually inept
scared of commitment
younger than me
more than 3 years older than me
stoners
homophobes
sexaholics
alchohilics
meth addicts
workaholics
money obsessed
broke
conservative
republican
are not interested in the outdoors
politics
philosophy
food
sports
art
travel
my parents despise and don't trust
who i don't trust
i feel sorry for

japan?

I had a dream that I was on vacation with my japanese boyfriend with thick japanese accent. we got into a fight and i broke up with him. but we were supposed to go back to fresno via airplane and i was too meet his parents and take a trip with him to japan. but since we broke up i didn't plan on it, but he forgot to tell his parents about the break up. so we arrive in the fresno airport and i see my parents and he sees his and all of a sudden he looks at me and i don't have the heart to break it to them either and so my mom says "you'll miss your flight, go." so we run through the airport and hop on a flight to japan.

there are so many things wrong with this dream

first off...there's no direct flight fresno Fresno CA. to Japan.

second...my mother of all people would never let me go on an international flight with my boyfriend.

k is for klassy

I think we can all agree that when i drink. the classy lady comes out.

I don't think I'm alone when say that when I'm drunk, my inhibitions fade, and my hormones flair like a nympho. but lets be clear. as chelsea handler would say no penetration occured. drunken makeout sessions and fooling around. sexual release is sometimes all is needed. man i do turn into a make out whore when i'm drunk.

i hope nothing comes from this.

fake plastic trees

I am certain that Radiohead's The Bends is the soundtrack of my life.


funny how one song can bring you back to the place you knew the most.

harder days

There's never an easy breakup.
The first two days I was fine. But today, I miss him. I wish him well. I want to be friends with him. He's a guy I don't want to cut out of my life. Perhaps it'll work out. He is a great guy, and I just miss his hugs today.

breaking up is hard to do...sometimes.

well. it's times like these when i'd usually say some philosophical emotionally charged quote like "this too shall pass" but. it's not fitting. not anymore. since that train has passed months ago. how crazy of an emotional rollercoaster being with him was. it began as party night with a couple beers and random makeout session. to our first date and then a full blow relationship. to finally realizing we're too different, and that he can't make me happy. i have standards. yes they are high. and i'm not willing to settle. it wasn't a waste of time. he made me realize the things I don't want in a relationship, the things i'm not looking for in man. he has good intentions. but unfortunately, he can't back them up. he doesn't know what he wants in life, and he doesn't have time or money for anything but himself.

i broke up with tony today. the first time i've ever had too break up with someone. boys have always broken up with me. but today i broke up with a man. man that sounds corny but its true. and he took it like a man. except for the part where he tried to twist it around and try to break up with me. but then i reminded him why I was doing the breaking up. i am a fabulous girl friend. and he didn't appreciate me. so that's life. I move on. he asked if we could be friends. i told him maybe in the future but not now. i definitely need space. but that was never a problem for him. in fact space was the only thing he was good at giving me. that says alot about our sex life. haha... well. i'm happy. i have my friends. my family. my health. and man did i look smokin hott today! lol.okay i will stop. but i love my new hair. a fresh start. refocusing on things that make me happy, and goals instead of being frustrated and hurt all the time.


life is good.

to do lists.

Just know that a lot has happened since my last post. I don't feel the need to write about it to nonexistent readership. With of course the exception of myself and perhaps that fly on my wall.
The sonoma comp went well. I think I could have placed, had I actually signed up for the damn thing. But ce la vie. right? I find myself questioning my relationships. It hurts. I know what I want, and I know the truth, and I know what I'm settling for, and I know my fucking goals. I just can't seem to shake the daunting feeling that I'm going to hurt him. Or he's going to hurt me. I wish he'd just get it over with already, he seems to be trying to give me excuses. Excuses and words I don't believe. I don't see it. I don't feel it. I can hear him say these things that sound wonderful, and lovely, and exactly what I want. That's the problem, it's exactly what I want to hear. But when talk turns to action, there's little to be desired of. And we go back to the cicular motions of me needing to talk to him about things that upset me, worry me, scare me. I contemplate breaking up with him. Thinking it will make things better. I then realize I'm too easily a quitter when the times get hard. But now that I think of it. Our times aren't even that hard. They're just non existent. We climb at the gym. Occasionally a few times a week I'll to his house. Apart from that. What is this? He says all he needs is me and that I'm important to him. He needs me, but he doesn't love me. I'm important to him, but not important enough to call in 3 days. I don't buy his excuse. Even if I did have finals. Would he not care enough to call or text me good luck. Or even worse, before he gave me that excuse would he not care enough to hear my voice at night, just to say goodnight, and see how my day is going? Why is it that I care so much about this? It's because that's what I expect in a boyfriend. It's the things that I shouldn't have to say, that he should want to do. Things that he shouldn't be forced to do. I hate feeling like I'm just another task on his to do list. I hate even more that I'm not even on that list. I'd rather be alone, than be with someone who makes me feel like they don't care about me or my life.

....actually.

i was just lying in his arms.

we were watching a movie, underworld II

he made potstickers

wine

soda

i looked at him and he squeezed me tighter.

then he kissed me. and i kissed him back.

it's hard not to think about a future with him.

i think i love this man.

vLife

had a kick ass time with good friends at my first comp at yosemite fitness yesterday. climbed hard but still could not resist the feelings of inadequacy.

sonoma in a couple weeks. let's hope i get it into gear.

i have a lot to think about.

spring break just doesn't seem long enough.

goals.

1 mile- under 10min warm up

super set: [100 crunches, 25 pushups]x4

total:
500- crunches
100- push ups

2 miles- under 15 cardio

climb- everyday. rest day- sunday

FOOL'S COMP- April 4th.

It must be a Thursday

...reading the works of Douglas Adams. the man is funny


as well as Upton Sinclair's Millenium

I've got a nice weekend ahead of me

no bueno

I am very distraught.
and upset.
and I feel disrespected.
so close to throwing in the towel.
what's the use when there not even a hint of communication.

vodka makes me emo,

I think Carlos is the only one of my ex-boyfriends that I like seeing succeed, and be happy. Maybe that's because he's the only that I loved, and never treated me like dirt. I hate having these sudden urges to check in on their lives and take a gander at what they're up to these days. Bryce I couldn't care for really. We were never serious, and the only thing I remember from him is being bitten on my first kiss. No bueno. Ramiro was a D-bag. Emotionally cheated on my, overall was not a smart decision. He hurt me, and I knew he would. Cameron, was never a relationship. It was stupid, mistake that thankfully didn't result in me loosing my virginity in his truck. Rafael was... exactly that. I really don't know. Mainly because he dumped me, with no explanation. I think after the break up with Carlos, that was the one that hurt the most. I had opened myself, my life, my family up to someone. I let myself develop feelings for this person who I thought felt the same only to find out that overnight, that feeling dissipates. I was 19, I wasn't looking for marriage, just a guy that wouldn't be a total asshole. Why am I rambling? I drank too much tonight. Chris the bartender made me my usual appletini, and then gave me this thing called a scoobysnack and the rest is history. I had walked away from all the pain of those past relationships. I don't understand why I have to be such a girl and remember them. I wish I could erase them from my mind. It hurts to think about them, and I hate seeing them around campus, and seeing them happy. I wish I could warn the girls they're with to run and never look back because that is exactly what they'll do to you in the end.

Nights like these I wish Tony was here. He's going through such a rough time with his family and he needs space. I understand that. He makes me feel like not every guy in the world is going treat me like shit, and makes me believe in that "L" word again. No not Lesbian, L-O...Let's not jinx it. haha...Speaking of lezies, one was totally rubbing up against Edgar tonight. It was funny. Me and Kayleigh watched and laughed because she was so drunk. Every time she'd sit back down she'd fall asleep. Speaking of sleep. I'm out.

Henry Madden Library

I'm sitting in Starbucks in our library. Yes Fresno State's massive library has a Starbucks. So dumb. Convenient, annoying. Aesthetically, it's ugly. It creates even more disharmony on campus. For being architecturally based on the Native Basket Weavers, it sure looks like a whole lot of cement, superfluous glass and L.E.D walls. I mean really? Is that necessary? We waited 4 years for this? Not impressed. Unfortunately, us students are in dire need of a library so this is what we get.

oK SO, I've been trying to do anything to stay focused, well maybe not ANYTHING but some things to focus on my studies. But it's not helping. I keep thinking about climbing, and my comp this saturday, and Tony. I'm so worried about him. I fear he's the kinda of guy who doesn't know how to express himself when he's sad or hurting and that may be a problem when you have 2 uncles pass a way within a week of each other.

So, sitting here thinking about climbing, agonizing over my frustrations of recovering from my second sprained ankle, people watching, invading their privacy from the comfort of my bay windows in Starbucks, I saw a blind man. It got me thinking how useless I, myself would be if I didn't have my sight. I wouldn't be able to climb, to ride, to drive. I have so much respect for the blind, who live their lives fully, as if they had no disability. I feel like I should write more about this. What would I do If I couldn't climb? I'd be severely depressed.

say hello

pretty sure this delightful duo has revived my love for all things sufjian

loneliness is just a crime

I should not be blogging about feelings.

sometimes i wish i could read minds.

Letting go of the past is something I've always had a hard time doing. Whenever I feel unsure or insecure about something or someone, I always have this habit of trying to find something or someone I feel sure of, or feel secure with. I sublimate my fears with the familiar. It's hard, especially when you have good memories you can easily revert back to.

I don't like putting myself out there. With friendships, and relationships. I'm a hypocrite. I'll tell you to go for it, to let yourself go, and be open, honest and vulnerable to someone. But, I myself, refuse to do it. I'll put my toe in, and immediately take it out the moment I get scared. And right now, I am mortified. I'm frustrated that I don't know what the hell is running through your mind. One moment you adore me, mr. wonderful, mr. loves planning for the future. The next, you're almost impossible to reach, and contact is cold. I don't know if you're playing games or you just need space or just need time to yourself but you make me want to run away.

I'm trying to be open and honest but it's hard to be there for someone who won't let you. Who has no time for you.

jesus....i sound like an after school special. one of those wretched needy girlfriends. somebody stop me already. he's going through a rough time, why can't i just sit still? fucking trust issues.


song of the day: beautiful mess by mr. mraz.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

Don't think twice.

This is what happens.
When you make choice.
Don't think twice.
And never look back.

On February 21 2009.
I felt the smallest I've ever been.
And at the same time
The biggest.
We are all to quick to forget how simple life can be. When you remember to just love the ones you get to share your life with. To breathe, smile, ponder, and live. Time seems to stop. As you look to the right and see the vast infinite blue, and the winding valley and snow capped sierras on the left. You remember how beautiful the world is, underneath the politics, the war, and death and destruction. And for a moment you experience something greater than yourself.

And for 70 seconds
Of

Free.

Falling.






You're happy.

21 and some

ahh...my 21st was nothing short of ahhhmazing.

The night itself was a drunken mess as catalyzed by my ever pressing alcoholic friends. haha..no they really aren't that bad. Had a lovely dinner with the family and close friends then went out to the local bj's for drinks. Thank god for Tony. He was definitely not only mr. wonderful but mr. designated driver. The boys took me out to Samba's for a little drinky drink, and lot of dancing!!! Then on saturday wen't and jumped out of plane at 15,000ft. My first (and definitely not last tandem skydive) was nothing short of incredible. The most amazing view of the Pacific, the valley, AND the sierras. So beautiful.





Delicious, are we not?

21

It was a blast.

legally yours. no pun intended
















Amazing, are they not?

iWife

Sometimes I wonder if what my future holds is marriage. You know the happy kind. The kind you hear about but you know deep down it never exists. And if it does exits, it's one of those stepford wives scenarios where the husband is some misogynistic schmuck who goes to work at some huge company, cheats with his secretary, all the while his wife is home playing dirty whore with the pool boy waiting for the man to bring home the bacon. I am so over this so called American Dream. This ideal to be prosperous; go to school, make a lot of money, get married, have 2 1/2 kids. For what? To die trying to find the remanents of your past life when you were alive, and were actually human? No. I can't. Not for me. I've never really liked the idea of being someone's property either. Sure, it's a nice thought that perhaps in some far off, distant, alternate universe soul mates exist. But, I've come to realize that maybe they don't. Maybe it's just the same sociological bird feed we are spoon fed when we are little, you know, the kind that makes us think we can do anything, and be anything we want? I mean, I like the idea of having a wedding. It's nice, romantic, idealistic. But, what do either people who partake in such contract really accumalte from it? Joint checking accounts, unruley in-laws, and a lifetime of arguments, and "what-if's"Alright...I know I'm getting entirely nihilistic for my own good, but I need to be this critical when something so blantant is staring me right in the eye, telling me to snap out of it. I don't do well in relationships for entirely this reason. I think to much. I think of my past relationships. I think that maybe that they are doomed to fail, and those realtionships that turn into marriage will either end up in divorce or leave the couple eternaly regretful.

Lately, I've been feeling very self centered. In a selfish way. I'm closing off my closest friends. For what reason. I don't know. I just find it less appealing to reveal every nook and cranny of my life to my peers. Perhaps I feel like they have their own lives and honestly deep down don't really care about things going on in my life. It's a shitty thing to say. But I've grown old trying to convince myself that people care about what you go through.

skinny jeans

So it's fair to say that I lead a very active lifestyle. I exercise everyday, sometimes twice. Rock climbing, swimming, running, you name it. But every once in a while I like to be a tad bit gluttunous and overindulge in something so unhealthy and surely diabetes inducing it would make willy wonka wanna shut down his factory. So today was one of those days. Edgar, Eugene and I decided to be brainiacs and take advantage of the $3.99 medium pizza special and the wretched hungry howie's in tower. Little did we know it would not feel so great post-gorge-session. So we took our pizzas, our horchata, garlic bread and headed over to the patio at starbucks where there three asian girls were sitting at one of the tables. Now, don't get me wrong I love my peoples but we all know that face you give to someone of the same cultural background. That "mmm..." face, when you know they shouldn't be doing something and you disapprove. Well these girls, I must describe, were quite hefty to say the least and they gave us that face and started talking shit because we were indulging in that delicious italian creation. But the fact was that these girls were not only severely overwieght they were smoking! Crying out loud it's like (as edgar put it) a toothless person for making fun of someone with crooked teeth. It's just damn hypocrtical.

Well, we didn't care. We gorged ourselves on our food, and strutted away in our skinny jeans.

oh mr. eastwood how i adore thee

After watching the Gran Torino today with the girls, I reaffirmed my childhood crush on that very sexy cowboy in the man with no name trilogy. That's right the very delish Clint Eastwood. The man is so bad ass. Had it been any other actor playing Walt I would have been offended at all the racist slurs he threw on screen, however when viewed within the totality of the plot you see that those words are nothing new, nothing foreign, and as old, unforgiveable, and unforgettably appalling and despicable as arparthied and slavery. He best win an oscar(s) for this film. For lack of a better word it's simply rivetting. Makes you think twice about the verbal shit we throw around everyday.

On another note. School is grand. It's good to be back. Yet, I don't feel as busy. I'm going to start looking for a job.

Salsa, Stone's, Vini's,Denny's

Jane's Bday at Bj's at 8
Drinks with friends at Vini's at 9
Sweatin' till our clothes came off at Salsa @ Starline at 10
Busting out the dirty grind at Vini's Reggae night at 12
Denny's Slamburger at 2am.
Getting to spend the whole night with and incredible guy who makes me insanely happy


= Awesome night.



I'm very much liking the fact that nights like these, an feelings like this, are occurring much more frequently these days.

ELLO LEVANTAME!

Going salsa dancing tonight. I can hardly wait. I've been itching to go since god knows when. I just hope I don't look like a fool since I haven't been dancing, and like all things that need practice, I probably suck now. Either way, Starline better get ready for some sexy time because we are definitely going to heat things up. bahaah...i'm such a loser. Right. WELL... I better practice huh? Tony is taking me tonight. His friends are supposed to be really good....I'm nervous. I always said that I need a man who loves to dance. I am super happy. Wow, this entry is so haphazard..But which one isn't. I should really try not to write in a stream of consciousness. But that would be doomed to fail anyways. LA SALSA NUNCA SE ACABA!

I see you're heart, I'll raise you mine.

I'm starting to climb on the fresno state/yosfit team. It's fun. The people on the team are cool, and chill and I think this is going to be a great way to improve and strengthen my climbing. I worked out with eugene today. It's always fun to see him, he's grown so much as a person. He's definitely going places, and going to do great things. I'm psychic, did I mention that? Met up for lunch with Mr. Boyfriend at Eddie's and for some reason his eyes were this a darker shade of green, but they stood out, especially when we sat outside and the sun hit them. I always wished I had a different eye color. Maybe blue, but then that would be weird. I wish this weekend was over already. I can't stand mock trial, or the people in it. Burned out, is one way to describe the feeling.

Currently, listening to my ipod blaring in the background and this song came on. Love songs don't annoy me so much anymore. ha..go figure. I wish there was a legit espresso house in Fresno. This place proves time and time agian how pitful, and dreary it is. But then it confuses you with the amazing people you meet here. Dad is moving to Canada. I feel sad. I don't like talking about it, although I know I should.

girls grow up.

I find my self not being able to stand certain people. Specifically young girls. Their immaturity annoys me, and I find myself grinding my teeth in order to not say things which would ultimately crush their pedantic, pop culture, monotone dreams. One of my greatest fears is that I used to be one of those. ughhh... I feel old. Even though I'm not. I feel like I don't mesh with these girls. I refer to them as kids though they are only 2 years the younger, and I talk down to them like a parent would berate their devilish hyperactive child. I resent them for having such simplistic view of life, of their complete disregard for life's complexities and their own lavish, self-absorbed existence. I don't listen to them anymore. They think I'm a bitch. I'm just realistic and I don't want to listen to their stupid stories about how they totally know Taylor Swift, or the omg so awesome party their sorority threw last night, or the no way i totally have the blouse in pink i love it, or their socks or stupid dogs.. I'm tired of it. Girls, grow up. When I have my earphones in even though my ipod is dead, take a hint, and shoo.

Mr. Perfect first date, turned to Mr. Many Perfect Dates, has turned into Mr. Boyfriend, as he has had me smiling, and laughing, and experiencing the joy of getting to know somebody you know would impact your life. I find myself being able to talk to him about things that bother me, of things that worry me, of things I love, aspire to do, frustrate, and wish to experience. He spent the holidays with me and my family and on New Years we saw B.B. King live. Needless to say, I started the year of right this time. Not intoxicated, and with someone I feel safe, comfortable, and who's company is beyond enjoyable. Besides my family and my best friends he's the one of the few people I actually enjoy being around and having fun with. I like this feeling very much