to do lists.

Just know that a lot has happened since my last post. I don't feel the need to write about it to nonexistent readership. With of course the exception of myself and perhaps that fly on my wall.
The sonoma comp went well. I think I could have placed, had I actually signed up for the damn thing. But ce la vie. right? I find myself questioning my relationships. It hurts. I know what I want, and I know the truth, and I know what I'm settling for, and I know my fucking goals. I just can't seem to shake the daunting feeling that I'm going to hurt him. Or he's going to hurt me. I wish he'd just get it over with already, he seems to be trying to give me excuses. Excuses and words I don't believe. I don't see it. I don't feel it. I can hear him say these things that sound wonderful, and lovely, and exactly what I want. That's the problem, it's exactly what I want to hear. But when talk turns to action, there's little to be desired of. And we go back to the cicular motions of me needing to talk to him about things that upset me, worry me, scare me. I contemplate breaking up with him. Thinking it will make things better. I then realize I'm too easily a quitter when the times get hard. But now that I think of it. Our times aren't even that hard. They're just non existent. We climb at the gym. Occasionally a few times a week I'll to his house. Apart from that. What is this? He says all he needs is me and that I'm important to him. He needs me, but he doesn't love me. I'm important to him, but not important enough to call in 3 days. I don't buy his excuse. Even if I did have finals. Would he not care enough to call or text me good luck. Or even worse, before he gave me that excuse would he not care enough to hear my voice at night, just to say goodnight, and see how my day is going? Why is it that I care so much about this? It's because that's what I expect in a boyfriend. It's the things that I shouldn't have to say, that he should want to do. Things that he shouldn't be forced to do. I hate feeling like I'm just another task on his to do list. I hate even more that I'm not even on that list. I'd rather be alone, than be with someone who makes me feel like they don't care about me or my life.