Ramblings of Teenage Heartbreak, and San Francisco New Beginnings

Carlos and I talked on the phone yesterday night! I've missed hearing from him, and his family. He is doing very well in Stanford, travelled to the Dominican, and doing a summer internship. My not so lil Marino is going to be a fire fighter, and Alejandra is showing up both her big bros at our alma mater. I am still very proud of him. I always knew he would do great things. I really do hope that we can stay in touch in the future. It's been hard to keep in touch these past months, but I think we both needed the distance from each other to move on with our lives. I cleaned out my room today. Looked at old stuff from way back when...mitchell's cd he gave me to ask me out...and the one he gave me when he broke up with me. lol...retard! I also found a pic of my and mitch at six flags. It's really cute. He has hella braces and we look so young! I can't believe we dated. lol It's wierd to think that I thought I was in love with him, when I didn't even know what love was. We're so like brother and sister. UGH NASTY! lol jk. I found a picture of me and Rambo at Morp when we dressed up as Vato Man & Ruben. I have them all because they are horrible pictures. lol I thought about how he treated me so badly, and I got really sad, then looked at the picture and laughed. And then I found ALL the stuff carlos gave me over the years. Notes we passed to each other between classes, in classes, stuffed animals, pictures, our boutiners and corsages from the dances we went to together, his senior pictures, the poems he copied from a website and gave to me (yeah i found you out!) lol, and other memorabilia. I considered throwing it away. But, then I thought to myself. Why? They weren't bad memories, in fact they are really fond memories that I'll always treasure and remember. I considered it because I don't want Raf to get hurt. But then I remembered that he said he didn't want to hurt me. And throwing those things away would hurt me because they are a part of me. So I kept them. I'm not ashamed of my past, and I don't want him to be scared of it. I want him to be ok with me and Carlos still being friends. But he still feels as if me and Carlos never broke up. ...that really bothers me.We broke up. It wasn't in bad taste, it was a mutual and mature decision. And we both wanted it. and needed it. It was the hardest thing I went through and suffered a lot from it. To finally come to the stark realization that you couldn't spend the rest of your life with the person you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I went through a depression, that led to me getting caught in the back of a truck by the cops with some chump who just wanted was to get in my pants. I felt so empty and just tried to fill the void with anything, and when this guy Cameron showed interest in me I was so blinded by the need for that longing to be wanted that I let him take advantage of me. I never told Los that. I guess I never trusted him as much as I thought I did. It's sad to realize that but it's just honesty. I love Carlos, but only as a friend now. We had a fun time, and it was really the most incredible relationship I had back then. I won't apologize for it. But I won't apologize either for moving on and giving the future a chance. I don't just rush into relationships. I think it through, and move slowly. Rafael... he gives me the things I really need. I like him so incredibly much that I find myself having to stop my self from using the L word to soon. In fear that I might scare him away. I don't want this to sound bad but I'm just going lay it out there. He goes just that extra step that non of my ex's ever did. They all just focused on the material things...ok...with a few exceptions. Mitchell was just a strange relationship, and I think we both knew it was doomed cause we weren't committed to each other. Rambo always made me feel like I was some rich snobby girl, and in the end he dumped me cause he had Molly on the back burner. Carlos ... it always had to be extravagent, and I was always hidden in his shadow. Sure it was great, but the moments that were just simple were few and far between. It's hard to explain. With Raf we can do anything together and it would still be amazing. He understands me, and we face problems in our relationship like we should. He's the most honest boyfriend I've ever had. I don't have that fear of him cheating on me, or that fear that he's hiding things from me. He puts in so much effort, and I just want to do the same. Ontop of everything I'm so incredibly attracted to him. I was never sexually attracted to any of my past boyfriends. And it's funny that people assume me and Carlos had sex, and then they find out that I'm still a virgin. But with Rafael....it's so much more than infactuation. It real, tangible, emotional attraction.this blog is getting long so let's cut to the chase...It's wierd to tell Raf that I spoke to Los Mainly cause I know how he can get nervous about things, and get really scared, then really distant. And, I didn't want that to happen again. But I wanted to trust him. I want him to accept my past, accept that I'm still friends with my ex's. They're all still my friends, and without whom I wouldn't be who I am today. I wish he trusted me, that's all. And he tells me he does, but it's that feeling you get....you know what I'm talking about. I want to believe him. But it's hard too. I want this to work out between us so bad, and I'm willing to work for it. Nobody said it would be easy.San Francisco was amazing. It was my Papa, Brudder, my Babe and me. And we had a blast. Walking around town, doing things that couples do lol, holding hands, kissing under trees, taking pictures. Visted china town, union square, japan town, haight street, and deyoung museum. We learned how to lindy hop in the park. It was so much fun. side: my bro loves Raf!!! he doesn't like any of my friends, so this is a huge sign. I'm so happy that raf and my family get along so well...anyways...Raf slept on the floor next to me. lol I felt so bad for him I kept giving him pillows. I held his hand as we fell asleep. And in the morning he was there. It was so incredible to see him the first thing in the morning. I think of "us" and our future, and I like it. I like thinking about it. One day I hope that I can share those thoughts with him.

Doing things that Lovers Do

PISMOCurrent mood: relaxedI could barely sleep. It's that feeling you get when your little and it's the night before you go on a big trip with your familiy. You're ultra super duper uber excited and you can't sleep, and you can't do anything but think of what to bring, what to wear, and what you're going to do. Ok. Maybe that's just me and I'm a lunatic, but I dunno. I think I finally slept at 2am? Then I woke up at 4am. I knew I couldn't squeeze anymore z's out. So I had breakfast. I never have breakfast. But I had it today because I couldn't think of anything else to do. Grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk...oh and a mango. Then I texted Raf to see if he wanted to leave early. lolHe came, we bid adieu to my parents, and left for day of unplanned bliss in Pismo Beach, CA. Stopped by my store to grab some drinks and snacks. Then it was off for a couple hundred miles of freeway nirvana. 2.5 hrs to be exact. The weather became cooler as we drove closer and closer to coastal relief. Away from the dreaded 110 brain boiling fresno ferver. I was able to fall asleep for an hour on the way. Something about him. I was comfortable; at ease. The open road, miles of freeway, and my babe driving next to me- I was calm. I woke up somewhere before San Luis Obispo. We stopped at a gas station. I went to the restroom. This lady and her son came in right after I had. I had proceeded to wash my hands as all right minded healthy respectable individuals would. WRONG. This lady and her son smushed their nasty germ infested, verminous phallanges all over the metal door of the restroom. I eyed the mother's reflection through the bathroom mirror in bewilderment as they so purposfully left without washing hands. I could see their hand prints. It was there. I could only look at it and cringe. What was I to do? I pushed the door open with my foot and left. As I walked out of the gas station. The mother and her son were parked next to us. Their shame radiated for she knew she had disgraced herself by not teaching her son the value of simple hygeine. Or so I thought. They drove off. The obsessive compulsive neurotic corner of my mind flashed the idea of writing down their lisenece plate number in the very plausible case that I had contracted some mallignant deadly virus, I could very well blame them and sue them to make them pay for my treatments. Ok, am I pushing it? lolMoving on.We arrived in pismo in cool 60 something weather. Head to grab some clam chowder at the famous Splash Cafe. Raf had turkey sandwich. I poked fun at him saying that we drove 200 miles for him to get a turkey sandwich. Afterwards we walked out on the peir and watched the surfers in the freezing waters and the little kids splashing around. There was a vendor out on the peir and Raf bought some souvineres and some beautiful sea glass earings that I saw. As we returned from the peir a dog whisperer was showing off his dog tricks with two puppies. It was cool. Walked around the town for a little, and did some chopping. I mean shopping. By that time the crowds of Euro toursits flooded in. We went into this store that sold chocolate covered scorpions and lollipop worms. ICK! We spent some time on the beach just lounging around and being goofballs. Raf was determined to get into the water no matter how cold it was. The little kids were in there shirtless and surfing and Rafael, this 6ft something college man could barely dip his feet in. lol. It was amusing. Not so much when he dove in the water and came back to hug me. lol.At night we at the Cracked Crab. It was soooooooooooooooooo GOOD! That was the first time Raf had ever tried seafood and he loved it! lol. We colored on the paper tablecloth before they served our food. We drew eachother without looking down. He drew me as this blob of hair, and I drew him with at least some distinguishable features. lol. Our waitress was nice, everyone there was nice. It's the kind of place you wish you worked at.After stuffing ourselves silly we drove home. Taking silly candid pictures of each other with only a few semi formal ones on the peir. I will surely post those as soon as we get them developed! The radio got nothing but static so we just talked. There's a lot you can learn when you have a 3 hr. conversation with someone.A wonderful trip.