Ramblings of Teenage Heartbreak, and San Francisco New Beginnings

Carlos and I talked on the phone yesterday night! I've missed hearing from him, and his family. He is doing very well in Stanford, travelled to the Dominican, and doing a summer internship. My not so lil Marino is going to be a fire fighter, and Alejandra is showing up both her big bros at our alma mater. I am still very proud of him. I always knew he would do great things. I really do hope that we can stay in touch in the future. It's been hard to keep in touch these past months, but I think we both needed the distance from each other to move on with our lives. I cleaned out my room today. Looked at old stuff from way back when...mitchell's cd he gave me to ask me out...and the one he gave me when he broke up with me. lol...retard! I also found a pic of my and mitch at six flags. It's really cute. He has hella braces and we look so young! I can't believe we dated. lol It's wierd to think that I thought I was in love with him, when I didn't even know what love was. We're so like brother and sister. UGH NASTY! lol jk. I found a picture of me and Rambo at Morp when we dressed up as Vato Man & Ruben. I have them all because they are horrible pictures. lol I thought about how he treated me so badly, and I got really sad, then looked at the picture and laughed. And then I found ALL the stuff carlos gave me over the years. Notes we passed to each other between classes, in classes, stuffed animals, pictures, our boutiners and corsages from the dances we went to together, his senior pictures, the poems he copied from a website and gave to me (yeah i found you out!) lol, and other memorabilia. I considered throwing it away. But, then I thought to myself. Why? They weren't bad memories, in fact they are really fond memories that I'll always treasure and remember. I considered it because I don't want Raf to get hurt. But then I remembered that he said he didn't want to hurt me. And throwing those things away would hurt me because they are a part of me. So I kept them. I'm not ashamed of my past, and I don't want him to be scared of it. I want him to be ok with me and Carlos still being friends. But he still feels as if me and Carlos never broke up. ...that really bothers me.We broke up. It wasn't in bad taste, it was a mutual and mature decision. And we both wanted it. and needed it. It was the hardest thing I went through and suffered a lot from it. To finally come to the stark realization that you couldn't spend the rest of your life with the person you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I went through a depression, that led to me getting caught in the back of a truck by the cops with some chump who just wanted was to get in my pants. I felt so empty and just tried to fill the void with anything, and when this guy Cameron showed interest in me I was so blinded by the need for that longing to be wanted that I let him take advantage of me. I never told Los that. I guess I never trusted him as much as I thought I did. It's sad to realize that but it's just honesty. I love Carlos, but only as a friend now. We had a fun time, and it was really the most incredible relationship I had back then. I won't apologize for it. But I won't apologize either for moving on and giving the future a chance. I don't just rush into relationships. I think it through, and move slowly. Rafael... he gives me the things I really need. I like him so incredibly much that I find myself having to stop my self from using the L word to soon. In fear that I might scare him away. I don't want this to sound bad but I'm just going lay it out there. He goes just that extra step that non of my ex's ever did. They all just focused on the material things...ok...with a few exceptions. Mitchell was just a strange relationship, and I think we both knew it was doomed cause we weren't committed to each other. Rambo always made me feel like I was some rich snobby girl, and in the end he dumped me cause he had Molly on the back burner. Carlos ... it always had to be extravagent, and I was always hidden in his shadow. Sure it was great, but the moments that were just simple were few and far between. It's hard to explain. With Raf we can do anything together and it would still be amazing. He understands me, and we face problems in our relationship like we should. He's the most honest boyfriend I've ever had. I don't have that fear of him cheating on me, or that fear that he's hiding things from me. He puts in so much effort, and I just want to do the same. Ontop of everything I'm so incredibly attracted to him. I was never sexually attracted to any of my past boyfriends. And it's funny that people assume me and Carlos had sex, and then they find out that I'm still a virgin. But with Rafael....it's so much more than infactuation. It real, tangible, emotional attraction.this blog is getting long so let's cut to the chase...It's wierd to tell Raf that I spoke to Los Mainly cause I know how he can get nervous about things, and get really scared, then really distant. And, I didn't want that to happen again. But I wanted to trust him. I want him to accept my past, accept that I'm still friends with my ex's. They're all still my friends, and without whom I wouldn't be who I am today. I wish he trusted me, that's all. And he tells me he does, but it's that feeling you get....you know what I'm talking about. I want to believe him. But it's hard too. I want this to work out between us so bad, and I'm willing to work for it. Nobody said it would be easy.San Francisco was amazing. It was my Papa, Brudder, my Babe and me. And we had a blast. Walking around town, doing things that couples do lol, holding hands, kissing under trees, taking pictures. Visted china town, union square, japan town, haight street, and deyoung museum. We learned how to lindy hop in the park. It was so much fun. side: my bro loves Raf!!! he doesn't like any of my friends, so this is a huge sign. I'm so happy that raf and my family get along so well...anyways...Raf slept on the floor next to me. lol I felt so bad for him I kept giving him pillows. I held his hand as we fell asleep. And in the morning he was there. It was so incredible to see him the first thing in the morning. I think of "us" and our future, and I like it. I like thinking about it. One day I hope that I can share those thoughts with him.