Film Reviews & Reflections: P.S. I love you & Juno

P.S. I Love You

The movie was precious, predictable and really something I needed. The time frame was hard to follow as a year went by in a matter of 40 minutes. Some of the characters should have played a bigger role because in the ened you really didn't understand how they got to feel that way or whatever. So what did I need, that this movie gave me? Hope.I've realized it's not bad to want something that you need. Something that will make you mean those "I do-s" I want a "Jerry". I want someone who I am sexually attracted to. Who is sexually attracted to me. Whose personality I can't get enough of. Who I can walk around naked and not even care. Who will talk with me, and fight with me, and have babies with me. Who will learn to understand what I'm thinking, what I say. Who adores me. Who believes in himself, and believe in me. Who loves me in all my flaws, and ugliness, beauty, and perfection. All at once. Who only wants to wake up with me every morning not because he's linked to me by a contract and a ring but because he couldn't bare the thought of living one second with me not in his life. I just want to be wanted. And until I find that man who I see as fit, I don't want to settle. And I won't-not anymore. There's hope that there are a few good men out there. I'm just tired of these hipster-enviornmental-musician-express wearing-valley boys. They're nice. But not that something extraordinary.

Juno.
Not a family film. Made the mistake of watching it next to my mother. Very awkward. Especially the teenage sex scene. Not.....very......comfortable. I just stuffed my mouth with popcorn and pretended to watch a different movie. But this was hilarious. And very realistic. I think i'll email dr. higgins about it. It had elements of closed and open adoption in it. I don't think the film really considered the impact of closed or open adoptions. I don't recommend this for adoptees as the teenage mother didn't want anything to do with her child. Nor did the birth father.

midnight mass

Right well....


I went to church.
I went with my family to the midnight mass at our old methodist church in clovis.
It was different.
I thought I didn't like religion.
But I kept feeling this familiarity about the service, the songs, the people.
I've wanted for so long to believe that I wasn't going to succumb to the opiate of religion but alas!
I havn't. It took me sometime to figure out what I believe in. And part of me knows that perhaps I won't ever know who I "truly am".
But I do know this.

I was raised as a Methodist.
Raised to question, to believe in equality.
But I don't call myself a Methodist.
And now that I knowI have the resources to understand it.
To question it.
To really know if I believe in it.

Because when it all comes down to it. It's faith. I don't think I could ever really take the Bible in literal terms, especially after taking literature of the new testament. Over this semester I've realized that I've become a hypocrite just like those evangelical gay prostitute back massage getting pastors from jesus hates fags church.

I've become closed minded to faith.
I've disdained closed minded "religious" yuppies for as long as I can remember.
And here I am. I am one. Just in the opposite sense.

So a spark of curiosity has rekindled my neutrality towards religion and I believe I'm going to investigate.

The mass I went to at United Methodist in clovis was the same as the one I used to go to in my early childhood at Trinity United in Canada.

I remember the children running up to the pastor. I remember hearing the Gospel. I remember the pastor giving a thought provoking, unsettleing, and often times humorous analysis. I remember the hymns. I remember soup and coffee and snacks after service. I remember sunday school. I remember babysitting. I remember the smell of baby powder in the toddler's room. I remember making plastic doves downstairs in the church kitchen. I remember my woman pastor. I remember the candle light vigils that ended every christmas eve midnight mass.

None were ever bad memories when I think of it.
Just going to college, experiencing other churches, growing up in a supressive enviornment that clovis is, just fed my hatred for the christian right wing.

but...

change is always welcomed

Yale

I'm in New Haven,CT right now.
Mock Trial competition all weekend.
FUN!
Wind chill and shit.
There are hott hockey boys down the hall, and a hotel full of mock trialers. woot.

Yale

I'm in yale.

Who is open minded to vegetarianism, and veganism.
Who can appreciate the little things.
Who can love my parents.
Who can appreciate different art forms like parkour, cubism, and jazz.
Who knows loves music as intensely as I.
Who knows how to play an instrument.
Who embraces their culture and other cultures.
Who loves to dance as much as I.
Who knows how to salsa, and swing.
Who is comfortable staying in, cooking dinner, and reading.
Who likes to be healthy.
Who likes to work out.
Who is ambitious.
Who sets reasonable goals.
Who works, and actually likes what he does.
Who loves children.
Who knows how to shop.
Who has his own sense of style.
Who isn't one of those label bitches.
Who likes cigars, and won't judge me for smoking.
Who doesn't drink to get drunk, but on social occasions.
Who can repsect what I love.
Who is reliable.
Who is there when he says he will be, not 20 minutes late.
Who is independent.

thanks a lot.

I was going to write a list of all the shit I'm thankful for.

Instead I'd like to thank my parents for basically telling me that I need to move out because I don't value the things I have and I can't control my spending habits.

Hm. So yeah. Basically got told to move out on Thanksgiving.

I think I'll take them up on that offer.

Nostalgia

Eventually we all move on.
I think in the end all we want to do is create our own little stamp in the world, and have at least one witness testify and awknowledge our existence. It a beautiful little thing this thing we call life, how our body functions, our relationships with the people and things around us. I never understood what made something alive. What is that quality. For so long I've doubted the existence of a Divine but at times like these when the sun is at the perfect hieght and air is warm and you're surrounded by familiar things and memories, it's hard to think that life is possible just because it is. Christmas time is nearing, and again it's my favorite time of the year. I want so much to be with someone, but I have no idea who that is. Gift giving, I wish was all year round. I try to make it like that. With the little things of course or else I'd be broke. But I think we forget all to easily the importance of those who enrich our lives everyday, and we forget to thank them.

Dreams

I had a strange dream last night.

That I was adopted. It was so freakin wierd.

It started off like this.

My brother and me got into an argument, and he got really mad. Then he kept telling me to ask mom about the adoption papers. I freaked. Then my mom came in and I asked her and she told me that it was true I was adopted like it was no big deal. I began to cry feeling overwhelmed with feelings I had never felt before.

Then today (in real life) lol, I went to my professional ethics class with hottie dr. higgins and it's on Adoption. Freaky fo reals.

Goodbye Belly Button Ring.

Goodbye naval peircing you were a friend of mine

But you said your dues and made your piece and all you've left me now

is a scar of where you used to be

of where you were in my life.

my belly button is missing you.

it does not sparkle not more

no funny times

no hurtful times

and just like all things

time heals all wounds

but you will leave me a scar which i shall peirce once more in the near future

for i miss you

and i loved you

and now you are gone

for now.

Forevers and some not-so-forevers

I've realized.

I'm contemplating. the mistakes and decisions i've made

Carlos. he was perfect. do i still want to marry him someday. i don't know.maybe. who knows. he's a forever kinda guy. i like that.

Rafael. he knew a lot. i experience many firsts with that boy. glad i never had sex with him. but he's nothing i want for a long term forever.


i guess i'm just waiting to see if what me and carlos had was really,real. i just didn't know how it was back then. and i want to know if it can be. but i don't know if he can accept the fact that i've dated other guys.


one things for sure. Eugene is a forever kinda guy, and my kinda forever guy. He supports me and loves me nad I'm so blessed to have a brother like him.

guitarshowdown

what is it with me and musicians?!
why do i adore them so.
guitarists and their damn O faces drive me insane.
I understand what they play and when they're good it makes me just wanna

..
..
yeah.

new favs.
trey tosh, AC Myles, Jay rossette. love them!

i am sleepy, but i must finish my opening and memorize by 9am tomorrow. fuckingfuckdiddilyfuckinfun.

cigarettes and chocolate milk

i've got to admit, i've drank at work before, but today was baaaaad. lol. so worth it though.


i was definitely drunk at work today.
it got to the point that me and jacob were so pissed off that we decided to just say fuck it
kit is a dumbass
renee is a dumbass
i hate starbucks
except nights like these when i have a kick ass lead.

i love jacob.
and jacob's bro daniel.
they are def my favorites forever.

lol

dropped all my pennies, and my dimes. what a hoot.
i came to the sad realization that our close was going to be better than half the fuckin closes at the entire store. lol. AND it was friday night, we got slammed making $350 in one half hour. that's something to the tune of $10.5 a minute.

3 beers, one smirnoff, 4 cigars, 1 cig.
oh yeah. i'm definitely due for a wellness blog tomorrow. lol

eugey broke up with eddie today. i am very proud of him. he needs to take care of himself first not worry about. that relationship wasn't all bad, i have to admit it made euge realize what he wants, and what he needs in life. and i hope that it does the same for eddie. i just want the best for him, and i know he's going to hurt right now, but i know in my heart that he's going to grow from this, and be better for it.

Days like today

Sometimes I wonder why I have days when I lapse. There are little things throughout the day that remind me of him and it's disheartening. Days like today I guess. I thought to myself, I wonder what he's doing, and what he's writing about on his xanga, and if he ever writes of me, or even if he thinks of me once in a while. I write things in here that I want to share, but nobody to share them with. And I keep this thought in the back of my mind, that if I share this with him, he could help me make sense of myself. Like he did before. I thought. But, it made him realize that he doesn't want me. I wonder if anything that happened between us had any effect in his life. But in the end we've said are dues, and I've watched as he walked away. Ironic. That was his screen name on xanga. I checked it today. It wasn't the first time, I have in the past. I'm always curious to see if he'd ever let me back into his life, and see him for who he is. But, do I want to? Yes. That's what drew me to him, his honesty, and rawness, and spontenaity. I miss that very much. I wish I had that once more. I wish we could be better friends. Now, it is the occasional text message that I always send when I miss him and want to feel that connection once more. I miss our talks, and stuff we'd do. I see his friends around school, and they always want me to come back and hang out. I see him every so often, but he never has time to talk, very busy with studying of course. My professors talk of him, without knowing what happened between us. So do my friends. It's been rough. But, it's been a lot easier. But days like today, whenever everything reminds you of what you had, and lost. These days seem to really be draining.

bitchy people make the world sad.

this girl brianna mcdonald. i went to highschool with her. i don't think she's everl liked me. I found out that she had liked Carlos, when i started to date him. lol. wow. So ever since that she's been hecka cold. besides that she's one of those people who always act like they're better than everyone, and she never awknowledges me, i have to do it first. lol. oh well. just gotta kill her with kindness. weird thing is she's the little sister of two of the coolest brothers i know. josh and kev. wierd huh? oh well. she must be troubled or something.

she is the antithesis of locke.

superwoman

I bought a book called Superheroes and Philosophy. I'm excited.

And I bought some neitzsche, and the oxford dictionory of philosophy.

I wonder.

lsat
gre
peace corps
grad school
law school


i like that .

zzz

I just realized the parallels between Plato's Republic and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Besdies the fact that they had Socrates in it.

I shall expand further, some other time. I am tire and I want sleep.

Autumn Leaves

It's cold tonight. It feels very autumny.

I've been debating on whether or not to share this with raf. Should I email him the permission link to read my blog? I feel that we are losing touch more and more each day. Makes me sad, that it was something that filled me with happiness me, and now has almost no presence in my life.

Part of me wants me to let him read it, because in some wierd way I feel like he'd understand it. And part of me doesn't want to burn that bridge. I don't want that connection to just disipate.

The other part of me is afraid that he'll reject my offer, as if he doesn't even care. Rejection. hmm...how to deal with this fear....

Reject me once, shame on you.
Reject me tiwice, shame on me.

The semester is rolling up quickly. It's gaining speed. which reminds me I must finish writing!

Wellness Blog #1

In an effort to loose wieght, get back in shape, tone down by belly, arms, legs and everything in between. I'm starting a wellness blog. Not only is this something where I can be raw and honest about my feelings of my physical and mental state, but I can use this as a self improvement exercise. And this shall be my first entry.

Tuesday of WEEK 1

weight: 135lbs

worked out today? yes. for 1 and a half. did a cardio and abs circuit with euge then we saw Bryce my ex teaching a combat fitness class. we joined in for a half hour.

breakfast: none

lunch: salad and water

dinner: not yet.

snacks throughout the day? chewy sour smarty things. but only to keep me awake through my last class.

cigs/cigars/hookah/pot: nada I've been thinking of pot. hmm.. I said I'd try it with chris and jason. Just cause I was curious as to why I'm so vehemently against something I have no knowledge of. Is that naivete?

relationship/friendship wise? My friendship with raf is good. We text and talk occasionally but I don't feel the need anymore to try to make small talk. We moved on. Human after all huh? lol. I'm worried that Priss maybe going down a very long and very confusing path. I'm just trying my best to be there for her. She has had fracture in her foot for a year. ....i know. Me and euge are hanging out more. I am happy.I just want my body to reflect that now. We are both going through transformations.I'm coming into my own style and euge is thinking of dumping eddie. He is just holding him back. But he needs to figure that out on his own terms.

state of mind: tired, healthy, lots of homework to do!!!

can you thrift it? like i thrift it?

i am in love with thrift stores.....once again. i had this addiction in highschool, and now it's back.

bought to much stuff. lol. had some fun me time. went to rasputin's bought a postal service and death cab shirt that i've always wanted. chilled at teazers and talked to the bartenders. they're really cute. i'm going there tomorrow with priss. should be fun ;)

goodbye lame ass fashion fair (with the exception of urban outfitters, and vs)

helloooooooo downtown fresno.


euge and me. we're going through a transformation.

i dig it.

Closure

Don't know. I miss him, but it's easier now. Feels like I'm bouncing back, but I want him to come back to me at the same time. When I think about certain times, certain songs, I can't help but feel like he's "the only one that really knew me." But I can't dwell on that anymore right? Only time will tell. Did he love me? Is that the reason why he let me go? Or was he really just not that into me? That's what he said. But there were times, that could say otherwise. I just wish he would have let himself love me. It would have been the greatest thing, but that's it. It's his loss. You'll never find another love like mine. This is closure. This is it. Friends.


No need to date guys in Fresno I know won't last. Wait till San Fransisco. Focus on school. Get the hell out of here.

Limbeck.

She really broke my heart in two.
Four years later, I still never forgave her.
The thing is, when I was ready to,I had completely dismissed her.
Now I think I'm driving through her state.
And I'm not ready for some burnt down bridge just yet
.And I'm not sayin I want anything from you.
The only thing I really want now,
If I see you, Suze,Is if we drove side by side,
On a highway in the in the beehive state,
That we could Honk and Wave.

So I'll just keep taking the 15 through.
It's kind of early so I'm swerving and swerving.
There's really nothing else to do,
except sit and keep steering, thinking,
driving through her state.
And I'm not ready for some burnt down bridge just yet.
And I'm not sayin I want anything from you.
The only thing I really want now,
If I see you, Suze,
Is if we drove side by side,
On a highway in the in the beehive state,
That we could Honk and Wave.
I wonder of a way that I could make her feel like an ass
Without her thinking I'm trying to do that.

My Ass Hurts

Sean Jones is losing his appeal. socking I know. maybe he just looked a mess today so i wasn't too into him as i usually am.
david gallegos on the other hand is still looking quite fine. he has this mysterious shyness about him that i like.
my new friend craig is adorable. i think we will be very good friends in the future, he's like a chipmunk, and he's very smart. type a personality. i can roll.
Los is just a friend. went to teazers. no feelings of reboundness. it felt good. had a chat. soaked up some sun and some tea then i dropped him off at borders.

overall a splendid afternoon of mocktrial and teazer

After Raf I've felt no feelings of Rebound? It's funny, fresh, I feel independent.

I'm so sore from Euge's hard ass core workout yesterday. My ass, and thighs, and abs hurt like a mother. I feel good, even though it's painful. a good pain. My goal is to get tones for the tournaments so I can have the rockin body to go with the rockin attorney/witness. lol I just want to look good enough so that my self esteem is fine, and i have courage.

Must go back to study. I like blogging. It gives my mind a little debriefing. Back to reading the Melesians. I have a quiz!!!

Must say. Feeling very fit. Yeah Yeah. Don't you just know it.
Working out 4 days a week. Wooooooot. mmmmhmmm. K so Mock Tizzletomorrow?! YEAHHHHH.

Worked with the vunderful jacob. He's my favorite. We screw around and break all the stupid rules at starbucks. lol. Can you say snickerdoodle frappucino? hellllllllz yeah. Kellcie is so fun, I lubbbbber her! We talked about guys the whole night. lol. I'm so hyped up. But now I've got to chill, finish a direct examination and read plato's republic for the 4oth time. fuck. lol. What is it with profs and different translations. I wish there was just one universal translation dammit. Mmmmk.... I think I'm going to go take a shower, put on some wicker park and do my thang.

Late late bloggy, have a good night. Life is swell I am enjoying the season. Lounging around underneath the fall trees at school, reading and examining the simplicity of leaves in the treees and at the same time their ever so complicated connections.

my feet are sore, 8 hr shit ain't cool yo. not cool. at all.

So Fresh and so CLEAN CLEAN

what fun it is to have a day to relax. finally.

Hung out all day with Anthony :) We went to Rasputin's and I bought a bunch of cd's and a free bag. And my favorite movie Wicker Park. Josh Hartnet! DREaMY! lol...just like my ethics professor....ok. Anthony bought a T-shirt. Of superman, he's such a dork. Today was just really laid back. My first class was cancelled so I was able to get my reading done for my next class. I'm starting to get back into shape already! I only have a bomb ass salad for lunch at school. That's basically it. And I've been managing my money quite well... ok well except for today but I treated myself. I really should stop being so selfish. Hm...tomorrow morning going to work out with euge. I get to work with Jacob tomorrow night! I have missed that boy so. So Everyone loves my hair. ANd well....I love it most. I feel so clean and fresh with it. I feel very hip, very collegiate. I think I will keep it short for the rest of the year. So I was in the USU yesterday and I kid you not, I think I got checked out by some guys who were actually pretty cute, and I know me and euge have checked them out before. One of them is a soccer player and the other one is in a bunch of chem classes. But I know they're cocky when I sat by them, and one of them said something to other one, and then was like like stop being so obvious. lol. I felt good, but just brushed it off. It was a confidence booster. I guess it helped that I was wearing a mini and my make love not war tshirt. lol. Like anyone cares about that. I listened to their conversation nonchalantly and well... they talk about the exact same thing that girls do. Except the opposite. They talk about us. it was strange. I got a glimpse into the male psyche.

Not a beautiful and unique snowflake

Dr. Becker kept quoting fight club today. He is by far my most radical professor I've ever had.

Mock Trial...things are finally starting to get into the swing of things! There's this guy david....galle something. Whatever. He caught my eye. Fancy his tat much. But my guy of choice is still sean jones. I try to act non chalant around him, but he's just so sweet. And fuck he doesn't even think about me.

My new blackberry finally arrived. fuck yes. I hope I don't drop this one...

lol. yeah...right.

a final goodbye to ol space

Said goodbye to the myspace this afternoon. Was most exhilarating! I realized I spent way to much time on something that I don't need. It was cold goodbye, like I didn't have the emotional attachment I had to it like I used to. Thought that it was the only way to keep in touch with people. But I realized that if people want to be in my life then they will make an effort to do so, and same goes for myself. In other words. I have my phone. I have my email. Other things seem unnecessary.
Don't know what to do with facebook yet. There's some sentimental value with that. I wonder if raf kept the conversations we had....I still have them. Don't know what to do with them.

21 units, mock trial, work, i need as much time to read as possible.

Against The Odds

So, this morning I felt lazy and nostalgic..and well..I decided to watch an old new favorite movie. It's called Wicker Park. The soundtrack is phenomenal. I'm going to cut my hair today! It's going to be short. Not pixie cut short but bob like short. I can't wait.

Yesterday at work I was on my lunch and so i decided to sit down in the cafe and this guy sitting across from me has this book out on the table and he was waiting for a drink. I was looking at him and he smiled at me (O_O shit) , so I smiled back. They called out his drink "quad venti nonfat extra dry cappuccino". I was impressed so I thought I might make some small talk since he was looking my way and he looked like his early 20's, and the best part...he looked lost and foreign. He looked very much like Sean. lol I was right. He was from Finland, and he was reading Plato's Republic!! Yes......foreign exchange student......can you say fate? lol. no it wasn't. Not after we got talking about the book. His accent was hard to understand, and I think that made the communication barrier all the more thicker. lol. He agreed with Plato's elitist form of class systems. I told him that it is to much of a patriarchal ideal and was flawed. He asked me why I disagreed because he thought Plato was a feminist. But I told him he was wrong he actually wasn't a feminist. He argued for equality but with restrictions on women and children. Plato says that women and children should be freed from slavery but to still be constrained to their gender roles. This is the only way Plato believes the state can help the individuals reach praxis. I think after he realized I was right....lol.....he started to just push my buttons and play devil's advocate. It was interesting after a while I told him that he should read the Nicomachean Ethics then talk to me again. I went back to work and he kept reading. I forgot to ask his name.

Here's some lyrics my favorite song from Wicker Park it's a cover of "Against the Odds" by the Postal Service

"How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
But take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've gotta face
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all


Mock Trial was fun yesterday, I hope we can go to Nationals. My work load is going to be so heavy this year. I think I may just quit Starbucks if it gets to much. Eugene wants to move out with me next summer, and Priss wants me to go with her to New York next summer too....what to do?!?!?! They're my two closest friends.

Talk about ETHICS!

dammit. I think I have a crush....and it's all because of Laila. If she hadn't pointed him out to me in that way I would have just carried on as usual. But now...

I have a crush on my professor. lol. And I think I'm just intrigued because he's so young, and he's an ethicist and so freakin smart, and he's pretty damn good looking. Today Laila sat behind me in class and whispered "Dr. Higgins would make a fun boyfriend" and then I was like "shhh...." lol. After that I couldn't start staring...and wondering...hmmmm...maybe. He turned around to write something about Kant on the board and his shirt kinda lifted up and uh...yeah. I felt really embarrassed and nobody knew. I do like the way he dresses...he always wears jeans, and a regular shirt with some button up over top it with the sleeves rolled up. He doesn't even look like a professor! After class I go and talk to him as usual, and I still haven't added it yet. But he's like "I'm sure we can find a way to have you stay in the class." even though he needs an even number, and I'm an odd one out. Very. Interesting. This is just a stupid lil girly crush. I think I got on his good side when he asked me if he could have a copy of my mock trial case because he's interested in how other people set up debates. Yea....I gave it to him of course. omg this is so LAMEEEE!!!! But, I have to say he is probably the most engaging professor I've ever had.

I have to ask myself....Is this ethical? I know I probably would never but....still...it begs the question. Is dating your professor ethical? ...Or is dating your ethics professor ethical.. What a hilarious conundrum

I'm The Most Important Thing In My LIfe

That's the t-shirt I bought at Zara in San Francisco. Very fitting for a day like today.
Life is fun.

I love driving by myself in my old school mini van. Poor thing I left her lights on this morning at work and so my battery died. Luckily our tea party regulars came in the morning and they love me so they jumpstarted my car. Dr. Becker is interesting, I find myself dosing off in class because of stupid people who ask stupid questions and so he is forced to entertain them. But after class I spend like 20 minutes asking the questions I'd like to have asked but didn't have time too, or maybe I was too shy. I am still very skeptical about Manneheim's theory of political activity. When one becomes involved in politics the usual outcome is not enlightenment, but enforcement of misguided biases. After recognizing one's limits, and the limits of other people's understand where do you go from there. There is no middle ground, not base upon which there is room for understanding, compassion, or even consensus. That's me being hypercritical of a very utopian theory. I love playing devil's advocate in class, even if I don't agree with what I'm saying lol. Tonight was mock trial class. Met the new coaches. This one woman is intimidating because she's a DA,and the other one used to by my crim prof last year. ... who I don't really respect. But that's a whole other blog. Anyways, Sean was looking like himself. I think I've fallen out of infactuation for him. He's taken on the characteristics of my chris wilson. lol. I met a new team member David. He is very intruiging. He has this very sexy tatoo on his right arm. Even though it was a cross....lol. He seemed nervous. lol. Oh well it was endearing. He sat next to me after I introduced myself. I think this year's teams will definitely be fun. I get to play the victim this year, as well as a defense attorney. Very very EXCITING!!!

Met up with raf today after my phil class. He gave me back my journal. I don't know what he was expecting....maybe that I would still be distraught and angry, and irrational. Well...here's the thing... it takes a lot out of me, but I move past that stage quickly because I don't find the use in dwelling on something like that. And also because I get tired of being angry and emo. I'm not that kind of person. I'm very chill, and peaceful. Especially on something that I had no control over. I don't regret my relationship with Rafael. Nor am I embarrassed, or disheartened or broken by it. I was upset about the way he lied to himself and to me and everyone. But, honesty is what he needs to deal with, not I. I was honest in this relationship, I took as risk, got hurt, learned, and that's ok. That's how you move on and grow. I realized I need someone who is consistent with their feelings, and is honest about what they want. That is not Rafael. He's happy being by himself, that's his own personal choice. Who am I to say what makes a person happy? But I told him that the thing I value most in a realtionship is honesty. We have very different views on relationships in general. I won't be in a relationship if I feel it's forced, or obligated to someone, I'm in it for them, because I want to, because I want to be with that person. But his skepticism leads him to question his very own thoughts. I don't even want to mess with that anymore. Well in the end, I asked for a hug because I did miss him, and I was happy he knew how he went about things was wrong, or not the best way, and that I was able to say what I needed and wanted to say, and finally get closure.

I bought two new posters from the guy outside of the bookstore today! He was the one that introduced me to Manu Chao. He had a print of my single most favorite peice of art. It's called the Kiss by Gustave Klimt, and also a John Coltrane poster.

Sending love from Teazers

It's a warm, calm, breezy day today. I am at Teazer's right now. Feeling very chic, cool, collegiate with my laptop, books and skinny jeans. ha. School this morning was fun. I am finally in classes I love doing the reading, and work for because it interests me and the professors are cool. Worked out after class for an hour, then headed over here to do some studying. I love it here. I love the ambiance of eclectic people conversing over some genuine iced tea. I think I might want to work here. I am reading my book for my professional ethics class about moral dilemmas. I talked to Dr. Higgins today after class for a half hour, about his roomate who works at starbucks and mock trial. He is very happy that I am in his class because we are going to be doing debates and case work!! I can't wait. Not to be egotistical but this is my shit. lol We discussed this phrase in class today "Treat other as an end not as a means" I thought about how it applied to my life, and how I am so much for the better for living by this. Talked about the seven deadly sins in my social political theory class. Pride. Something I can't stand. Something I think people need more of, and something some people need less of. My coach emailed me the schedule of tourney's this year. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO YALE!!! Holy mother effer. O_O

Old Flames

Met up with Los tonight!!!! Aw. He looks like he's definitely grown into himself. Still, the same person I knew. We caught up on on everything over coffee at the starbucks near our old highschool where we go for lunch our senior year, and talked of what new things are happening in our life. Then he asked when he was going to meet my boyfriend. And yup...there we go...He was not thrilled to hear what happened. I didn't really know how to explain it. He didn't know how to react but, said that he was very sorry. Then when we parted he gave me one of those hugs. The Carlos hug. lol. It felt nice. Comfortable. Unforced. I'm glad we are still friends and we can still be honest about things. He's done a lot of good things in Stanford. I'm very proud of him. :0) We are going to hang out as much as we can before he leaves on the 20th. I wonder.....yes....I wonder...

oh these friends of mine

Jacob is like my big brother, I'm glad I have someone like him to talk to. Just hearing the words "you're beautiful, your smart, you deserve so much more, you'll find some one so much better...." from a straight man who actually means it, makes a difference. lol don't get me wrong i love euge and anthony and bon bon. but Jacob makes me realize that everyone isn't just saying those things just to say it, or make me feel better. It's because they're true. I can always come to him for advice. :) I think I will take it into consideration. My parents took the picture of me and raf out of the mug i made and threw it away. I was angry at them, because they reuined my mug that I worked hard on, and they messed with something that wasn't theirs. And, I thought that I wasn't ready to get rid of pictures. Part of me doesn't want to, but then I think yeah maybe I should at least get them out of sight. But anyways, Jacob made me realize that it's fine. And if he is actually honest about wanting to stay friends, then I should let him prove it. Cause right now I don't trust him at all. He also said that even if he doesn't value me as a girlfriend, I'm not just going to compromise the worth of my friendship just because I miss him right now. Jacob says not to internalize Rafael's own inner problems. This is not my problem, I didn't cause it. It's on him, and only he can deal with his own demons. Jacob is going to call me later tonight when he gets off work to check up on me. What a guy, even after dealing with a friend's death in Iraq, he still has time to talk to silly people about their silly little girl problems. His girlfriend, Kim is going to teach me some basic Italian before I take the class next semester! I can't wait! :) I am quite envious of her, but at the same time I adore her. lol.

Today was good, finished my homework for the weak, and I'm ahead on my reading for my New Testament class. I'm going to read the Mock Trial case tonight!!! Can't wait to get back in. When I came to the practice last Saturday, it was a huge surprise for everyone. Only Kayla, and my Coach Gordon knew. So what they did was when everyone was meeting up and getting ready to start Gordon said "I have an announcement to make, AMTA added a new witness to the case, I know it's a surprise they're changin the case so early in the year but they just released her affidavit this morning....her name is JENNY CARLOS!" and I bust out through the door. My old team mates were floored. That surprise was fun. That's when I saw Sean, and he was like "omg you liar!" Cause I lied and told him I wasn't coming back. But he was happy cause it was the core of our old team from last year back again.

Today was Niki's and Jamie's birthday, went for a drink at Niki's house then came home early so I can do more reading. Didn't feel like drinking at all, but I drank a mojito just because it was her 21st.

Well I'm off, I am feeling much better.

I Wish You Love

I felt like an idiot. Foolish. Blind. What makes me cry is when I see something familiar of the past months and I remember how it was with him. I get sad that it couldn't be that way anymore. Because I was at first something he liked, and after a while it was just a chore to him. I was a chore. I never thought of myself as high matienance but I guess I was? I never asked him to ask me for permission to go out with his friends but he did anyways. I guess that's what he thought I wanted? I don't know. Lies about marriage, and kids. Conversations I never wanted to have yet, were fake anyways. Can't say I'm surprised, I called him out on that when we had that conversation. Don't know why it feels like he's blaming me for that. He writes in his xanga, reminiscent of the past blogs from a year ago. He wrote a blog saying that he was thinking of breaking up with me, I was chore, all this stuff right before school started. Before he told me that we would make it work, that he would pick me up from school (which he volunteered I never asked him), that we would study together. I don't know what that was. Was he trying to salvage our relationship? Or was he just lying to me? Or both? Whatever it was it felt like punch in the neck when I read it. I am emotional. This is me. I want a man. A man that doesn't feel like spending time with me is a chore.

Eugey just left. Came over because I called him all in a mess. We talked of raf and carlos and family and eddie. Realized that this is who Rafael is. I don't fit into his world. I was just a stepping stone, a hurdle in life. Something he had to experience to realize that this relationship thing was something he definitely didn't want, or couldn't handle. Everyone is just as shocked. Nobody understands. But who can? I don't think Rafael even understands fully. But he knows how he feels even if he's unaware of how he came to that conclusion. He told me I deserve better, that I am beautiful, that he is the one that doesn't desreve me and most importantly that I am not worthless. I swear, if Eugey wasn't gay I would seriously have his babies. lol. Hey!!....Will and Grace did it...lol. Things are making sense, in a wierd way. I am slowly getting over this feeling of hurt. Realizing that you can't blame someone for being who they are. But you do have the right to be hurt, and cry, and get angry, and express all the emotions you feel towards that person. I was a chore to him. He is wrong though. I'm not a chore. The person who deserves me, won't see me as an obligation. I never put a gun to anyone's head and said "DATE ME DAMMIT!" lol. So I really don't see any logic in paralleling me to an obligation. I mean if I don't want to do my laundry I won't and I'll walk around the house in my underwear! No.....seriously. But he's going back to his old ways, and I think that's where he wants to be. He wants be single, have no ties, drink till he looses control, be with other girls when and where he wants. He has every right. He's young, and he deserves to live. But I.....I don't deserve to be tossed away and lied too. And I've learned my lesson. I saw the signs. And from now on I'm going to go with my gut. See....I felt like an idiot. But now, I feel blessed. To have friends that will come over in the middle of the night to talk, who love me, and actually know me. I feel lucky now that I am not so blinded anymore.

Tomorrow will be a better day. :) Work at the bux, Exercise with eugey, and then coffee with Carlos!!!!! yay!!!!! He is interested to hear what happened. lol. I think it will be kinda surreal to talk to my exboyfriend about my exboyfriend. I think that's what made me realize that I am worth it. That I am deserving of love and affection. Because in the past Carlos did. And he respected my parents, and was not embaraced to show his love for me. I guess I did in a way lie to Raf about that. I wrote this blog on myspace and set it to private, and I deleted it. It was only visible my preferred list and I think at the time Raf wasn't on there. It was at the beginning of me and raf's relationship. Pretty much asking Carlos to tell me not to do this if it will close the door on our future. But I knew he wouldn't respond because he never goes on myspace. We broke up because of distance yes. And to see what was out there. I've seen what was out there....and it bit me in the fucking ass. lol I am smiling now and it feels good too. Things make sense. Rafael couldn't trust whatever feelings he had for me. And that's ok. But, I want and need someone who can. I don't need that person now. But at least I know what I n eed. And what I don't.I know now that some guys just don't.And some guys do. And those guys are the ones that will want to because of you.Not because they "have" to.This is who he is. Don't know if he is meant to ever be in a relationship. I sincerly wish he could feel what it's like to be with someone honestly, and whole heartedly, who feels like your missing peice. I'm sure in time, he will want that, but for now I don't think that's what he can handle. But me, I know what I need.

And, on that note..... I wish him love.

ramblings

What a strange experience..

Read a lot today. I'm staying on top of my readings, and for some strange reason it's getting easier and easier to do so. I mean to find time. I realized I actually can read fast and retain much of if not all of the content if I write in the book. I am really loving my Literature of the New Testament class. My teacher Dr. Maldonado is by far one of the smartest men I have ever met. His mind is like a never ending encycolpedia of history and religion. Dr. Becker is sparking my interest. Could I be converting to his radical enviromentalism? He makes it seem so utopian and idealist at the same time. Two forms of thinking I thought I'd never adhere too. Anyways besides from the usual work and play. I went to work this morning really tired. A long 8hr shift never hurt anyone though. I think my boss is finally seeing that I'm taking advantage of her sucky schedules and getting it covered by people from other stores. haha. eat that. But I'm the lowest paid, high value partner to the company so they need me. lol. I do it because I can manipulate my own schedule. And it is working out quite nicely.

So I've just have to keep reminding myself. I've made a horrible lapse in judgement. And I am not ready yet, but am going to be better for it.

too little too late

I kept thinking you know what? I realized I am so completely worth it. I deserve much better. Why do I let people walk all over me? There are these guys who are smart, sexy, and funny....and foreign... and they find ME attractive. And I shoot them down. Why? Because I don't feel a connection. Who knows. I think the reason I still think about Rafael is because I don't completely understand what happened. How he could have...just...lost interest in me? I thought about the park, our first kiss, the crazy times we had getting in trouble, our fights, and our pull throughs, him calling me in mexico, calling him from florida, philosophy class, pismo, san francisco, the entire fucking summer, NWC show, him telling my friends how happy he is, meeting his family, spending time with his friends, going dancing with him....everything... then I think about how he made me believe he wanted me, that he wanted it to work, giving me his schedule, trying to encourage me that even though it'll be hard we can get through it.....and everything just becomes a blur. Where did it go wrong? How can someone just loose interest? I really just don't understand.

I am attractive.
I am sexy.
I am intellegent
I am beautiful.
I am loving.
I am caring.
I am driven.
I am a hard worker.
I am worthy of much more.
I am me.

dry your eyes jenny. you've got to walk away now. it's over. he won't shed a tear for you.

This Too Shall Pass

Oh my deary sean jones is back. What.....is......this.....CRAZYNESS?!?!?!! Many drunken nights with that man

a)Ironic
b)Coincidence
c)funny
d)awesome
e)all of the above

I think the choice is obvious. It's feels nice to have people in my life who are fun, and honest, and loving.

Feeling very good. Unlike the mad crazy emo I was last night. Had to get my frustration out somehow so I texted him. Said everything I needed to say. Now it's time to just forget about it. What a shame, but you don't get everything right sometimes.

I am back. AMTA is back in session bitches!!! And it feels so right. This is what I need. My friends miss me and I feel horrible for neglecting them.

Jenny is full of love, and contentment. She is hurt, but knows that the feeling with soon make sense in her life, and like all troubles..."this too shall pass."

I've been listening to a lot of Flaming Lips, and The Streets. They make me feel realistic, and optomistic.
"And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, realize that life goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. You'll realize it's not the sun going down, it's just an illusion cause by the world spinning round."

They're there for me.

Hm. interesting.
Work as good for me. Even though I broke down in the back room. Felt discarded. Like trash.
I was surrounded by people who respect me, and love me.

I wondered if anything you said was honest. Who was the real you. If I mean anything to you.

This year is going to be good. I know it is. I can feel it.


In other news. My friends are true friends. Always there. Always supportive, and always caring.
Don't know what I'd do.

Woman Like Me

It's too late now. Though we really tried to make it. You've tried and he doesn't want you. Little girl you're worth everything you deserve, and the man who knows that will find you. Don't settle for anything less than what standards you set for yourself. He even knew he never met your standards. This is just a learning experience.

"You hurt me but I learned a lot along the way." It's true. What could I have done? In a way you released me from you and now I am able to get my life back. You think that you were the only one changing? I hope not. Didn't realize that I cut back hours at work not only because of school, but because I wanted time with you? Didn't realize that I spent time with you when I could have been with people who actually loved me, my friends. Didn't realize I quit Mock Trial because I thought it would strain our relationship too much. Didn't realize that? Apparently my efforts are not worth it. I thought you could be a part of my life, when really you never thought I could be a part of yours. I've learned that I should never compromise my goals for anyone. What happened to that purposeful, driven woman? Did she let this guy affect her way of thinking? Yes. It can only go up from here. Someone worth of my time is someone who will encourage me and push me when I second guess my goals. Be who you are, don't be afraid of that.

I find it kind of funny, Kayla finds it endearing that the moment that the fact you broke up with me sank in. The thing that rushed into my mind was mock trial, and my friends. Funny huh? The fact that I subconsciously requested days off from work convienently at the same times of practice? Did I know that this was ineveitable and just prepared myself to come back stronger to my true self? Who knows, I found that interesting. One other thing is that this experience has really made me value the honesty, and necessity of truth in my past relationship with Carlos. I am glad now that I don't have to hide our friendship, and now that he's back I won't be afraid to visit him, and get our group of friends together like the old times.

Stop the next time you meet someone you think you could have something lasting with. Think if you could really feel for a "woman like her." Don't lead her on to try to fit what you think is her ideal man, and don't try to mask yourself, because in then end your true self with override all the lies. You get angry when I tell you these things but it just goes to show how little you've actually learned, and small minded you are. How ironic that you claim to be open minded, and yet you cannot be open minded to the close minded? My parents, tried, even though they knew you weren't the one for me. They were right. The man I want is someone who will fight for me, truly fight, not just put up with the bullshit to have fun sometimes. You try to justify your answers philosophically; try to make it seem as if what you were doing was the courageous, virtuous thing to do. You've succeeded in conviniceing yourself, but anyone else can see that you've just perpetuated your internal circle of skepticism, and confliction. The way you've changed was something you did on your own. I never forced you to think a certain way, or dress a certain way, or act a certain way. All my parents needed was for you to respect their rules, and well if you can't deal with that; if you can't recognize that there will always be hard times, and that it's ok to work them out, then you really arn't ready for a relationship. You said many hurtful things, that were harsh but I asked for it when I decided to fight for whatever it is we had. Made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. I think we both know I am, and the thing is that I am not what you think is good. Whatever you think is your type. But then again who are you to know? To judge me? Either way you won't phase me in being who I am. I deserve much better treatment from a boyfriend, a lover, and friend.

Plato's cave is full of blinded, irrational, selfish people. Once unchained, they've seen what source the images are coming from, they'll demand refunds, no need for explanations just as long as they feel they've been compensated for their blindness. Instead of coming out from the cave, and seeing that there's an incredible, scary, beautiful world beyond the images they were forced to watch on the wall, they'll creep back inside in fear and in a sense chain themeselves. For they let the emotion of fear override any notion of courage and will to face the truth. As crtitical thinkers we're led to suspect the only truth is in uncertainty and similarly uncertainty is rooted in percieved truth. It's just a shame that I didn't let myself see the truth, and what you were from the very beginning, that I let myself get hurt again. This new experience to a different kind of dating opened my eyes. Since we never buil a foundation of friendship there isn't much to fall back on. If we both actually want to be friends, it will take time. Well...I guess we just live and move on.

Maybe someday you'll truly understand the person you are, and what you want in yourself, and others. I think that's the only way you can genuinly be happy. And I hope that for you. I do wish you love, and above all else I wish you to be happy with yourself.

I am happy with the person I am. This is me. As disgustingly cliche as it may sound. I love myself. My family loves me. And my friends love me. That's all I need.

Remember It's All In Your Head

Ahhh....there it is.

That dreaded feeling that he's leaving.


sigh.

will we even have time to talk anymore? much less spend time with each other?

it feels like a long distance relationship......again....

except we go to the same school.

:(

I'm feeling a tad bit hopeless, and helpless. I need something to hold on to. Does he feel it? I don't think he does. He seems so optomisitc, but not realistic.

I don't think I can get by with just talks on the phone....again.
I don't want this to end up being the same as the last....
I need something ... that I'm not sure he can give me.
2hrs. a week is not much of a relationship? or is it? i don't even know
don't know if i can handle it.
As much as I like him. As much as I miss him. I don't really feel that he misses me. Maybe he does but not as much as I miss him. And that hurts. Yeah.


I think I'm gunna quit work.

Boots make a girl Happy

Just do it.

You can do it.


YAY.

yay for school.
yay for boots.
I really like my boots.
I wonder if I can be courageous enough to wear them.

hmm.


urban outfitters is an addictive post epiphany drug.
bad. bad for moneyless jenny.

ok. time to buckle this shit down.

Hell is Other People

I'm finding it hard to let go of mock trial. Well...the people in it. I'm not really letting go of them, it's just that I wont be spending much time with them as I usually would. This would be for my own scholastic benefit, but fuck will I miss them. Not all of them. Just Edgar, Kayla, Jamie, and Chris. Well not Chris cause I'll see him all the time anyways. But I'm sure to miss the rest. They will hang out together without me, and have inside jokes without me, and I am on the outside. I'm sure of it. I wish I hadn't quit. I wish I could have found a way to balance out my life so that I wouldn't have to loose them. But who's to say that I'm loosing them? I just don't want out friendship to fade. I guess that's one of my faults. I feel so vulnerable without my friends. I always feel like I need company. And when I'm alone I feel at stake, and targeted.

Now that I'm going through this whole "coming into my own" , "being myself", "finding my own path" deal, I'm scared as a fuck.

This is life, and these are the decisions you have to make Jenny. Worrying about these decisions is sanity. But being this sane can drive you mad.

what a halarious irony

Semester Woes

I'm excited for finally getting my grades back on track.
Yet, I fear what this semester will do to me and raf.
He gives me hope when he says we'll work through it.
But it scares me that I'll be left alone.
I want so badly to make this work. There's something pulling me to him.
But, I'm afraid of the risks again.
I'm afraid that these feeling may not be reciprocated.
That I may grow to attached.
That he will feel suffocated and want to push away.
That maybe I will grow weak and let him.
I'm afraid that if I do loosen, he may not bother to pull me back in.
Working and School. Quite a schedule, and one that doesn't leave room for much of anything else.

Yet I want it to work. SO bad.

Us, I want the meaning of that word to have wieght. To be. What it can be. Whatever it is.

We'll I guess you'll say, What Can Make Me Feel This Way?

I like leaning on him. Doing crazy thing with him. Being tacky, and wacky and silly with him. I like cheering with him. Eating with him. Drinking with him. I like talking to him, and singing with him, and being stupid with him. I like pretending to be mad at him. I really like it when he leans his head on me.

I like being his girl.

:]

Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

I very much like being with my fella.

I don't know if it's because we see each other every otherday and not everyday, but I miss him when he's not around, and can't wait till the next time I get to hug him again, and kiss him.

This semester is going to be busy. Everytime I have a break he has class, and whenever he has a break I have class. I was able to get every Saturday off from work so that I get at least one "ME" day every week. Then I can catch up on homework, and spend the day with Raf. I really like my boss. She understands.

We're going to the Grizzle's game tonight. :] This feel is very much winning my heart over. I wonder....if he wonders....that I wonder. The other night we were talking about how he like his me time and he said he worries that it would offend me in the future if we moved in together and instead of wanting to cuddle or do something with me he just wanted to read or be by himself in his room. Hell!! I was just happy that he said "if we moved in together". I know I would want my Me time too man. Just cause I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm clingy 24/7! lol.

Anyways I'm going to the baseball game with my babe, and nothing seems better right now.

Oh Orange Monkey, How I Adore you So

well well well....
he may understand me more than i thought.

???????? i'm eating a lollipop that I can't seem to figure out if it's orange or cherry....or punch! strange things are afoot.

Went went bowling the other night with some friends. Chilled at Eddie's apartment. Drank, Ate, Drank...and I felt comfortable with him.

Oh lest I forget. I like his style. Small town innocence, intellectutal love with an urban soul. I very much like the way he looks with a button down collar shirt with the sleeves rolled up. And his pants. :p Yup....he's so very very very very very good lookin.

Went to the st. agnes heritage fair. much delight was had by all. raf won me a retro vested blue stripe tied ornage monkey. We rode the ferris wheel which brought me back memories of that one scene in the Notebook when Noah first saw Ally. Rode the Gravitator. Made me want to throw up. lol Ate a ton of food, and wathed some cool dancing and bands.

My parents looked happy tonight. :]

9 to 10 DriNkS?

I don't think he understands. And we're learning things about each other that we find differences on. He says that he feels as if he easily angers me, and well yeah I guess. Because nothing he says is ever concrete. He fuckin reasons to the point where I don't know what the hell he says is honest or just a statement to apease me or him or the universe. I don't know. I am glad though that I'm learning these things about him ahead of time...so I know what to expect and so that I'm not surprised i nthe future. I know that this is one of the things that we will have a problem being peaceful about. He says that he's the middle ground. I just think he needs to lean the meaning of fucking sacrafice. I don't know if he gets that part. Yes in a relationship there is always compromise but sometimes someone needs to sacrafice something. I wish he could sacrafice drinking. What I wish I could happen for myself is to stop drinking full blown at parties. Only when I'm older, and at home do I wish to drink. I just don't like the person I become, where I loose control of inhibitions, and make alchohol an excuse to be slutty. I don't like to be vulnerable. But, I know that as a young woman in college that is hard. And, I'm open to experiences but I've been through enough to make me realize that it's not the path I want to take. I don't like being drunk, and when I drink I prefer to be responsible about it. He however thinks that that is an extreme to ask of him. So now what? Because we have completely different views on what is safe and what isn't, will he continue to do as he pleases even if it means it upsets me? I don't know. I hope that maybe he will take my feelings into consideration and make a sacrafice. I don't know if he's capable of that. Maybe that is too much of an extremeity for him to meet. But I want somebody who can. This is something I don't want to return to. I don't want anymore phone calls telling me that someone has died of something preventable. I don't want that feeling of uselessness, of being powerless; the feeling that I could have done something to stop someone from dying. It's the worst kind of guilt, and one that I never want to have again. Raf doesn't get that. He doesn't see how powerful it can be. And I hate saying things like this to him cause it makes me feel obnoxious and quasi all knowing. I guess not growing up with alchohol influenced me. And I think in a good way. I never saw the use for it. No dependence on it. It was a social drink, and one to be careful of.- and that is not being a prude, it's being responsible, and being reasonable. It makes me nervous of the other things that we'll disagree on. Will it be to much that it's impossible? At least I'll be able to know whether or not he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We already disagree on marriage. He doesn't believe in it. He'll do it for his mom, but he's rather not. He wants to know that there person who is waking up next to him is there because of him. But I want somebody to love me so much that they want to marry me, and want the world to know, and celebrate it. Who knows. Will he understand that? I think that part of me wishes but knows that he won't be able to feel that way... Unfortunate, and raw. It's life.

Danny Puts Life Into Prespective

Tonight after the softball game me and Raf went to go chill at bonbon's house with the rest of the team. He started to drink and then he said stuff that made me nervous. I don't like how he just lets everything go. And I hate the fact that he is ok with drinking when he's driving me. Even steven and angel said no that ain't cool. hmm... sometimes I just wish he had my best interest in mind when he thinks about drinking. About a month ago he said he wanted to try to cut off his drinking habit. And then tonight I asked him about it and he said "I say mean it when I'm sober." I mean what the hell? And he always says he's going to be OK, and fuck for christs sake Raf that what Danny always said before he was so drunk he jumped out of a two story building and then drank himself to a bloody stupor for two days straight before dying of alchohol poisoning. I'll be fuckin damned if that happens again for someone I care about. If this continues I don't know what I can do. If he doesn't respect how I feel, and take me into consideration everytime he drinks and drives, I don't know if I can handle it. If he pushes it to the point of irresponsibility and I can't stop him, or if I'm not reason enough to stop. I won't take it, and I will just walk away. But, I have to remember this. It hasn't reached that point, but if it does that's the line that I won't cross.

The Ethical Slut

It's official pap smears rank up there amoungst the uncomforatble moments right next to having your mom or pops walk in while your and your bf/gf are doing "stuff", and being asked to come over to see Jesse's apartment after work. Let me clarify. Jesse is a regular at my store. He comes in every, single morning, sometimes at the most busiest time of the morning, to get his cup of death. We nicknamed it the suicide. The drink is fuckin legendary and Jesse is a fuckin legend. It's a pump of every syrup we have (sometimes more), 3 packets of raw sugar, and 8 shots of espresso with whip. Nasty. When you drink a taste of it, you will gag and feel like your stomach acid has actually met it's match. And Jesse, he's a short, staunchy fella, who is mentally handicapped and about 38-40yrs of age, if I would take a gander. So you can see why it's be a bit uncomfortable if he asked you (a 19 yr old) to come over to his apartment after you got off from work.... eek.

Anyways I had my first pap today. It was different. Nothing nice about it. My Gyno is pretty nice but it was still wierd to have my legs sprawlled out with my Va-j-j just chillen while she lubed up at proceeded to stick that dreaded labia seperator and that trident looking like thing in me. Then the HPV exam was just straight up violating. I felt like Peter Griffen when he got his prostate exam. She just pushed and felt me right up, and I just squeezed my eyes shut and grinded my teeth hoping for her to finish soon. What took minutes felt like an hour. But I guess I'm just a prude. The only person I want feeling me up down there is my boyfriend.

Last night I went to Shelby's going away dinner with some coworkers and Raf. Yoshino's is scrumpdiddilyumptious, and Raf looked sexy. Even though he wore a metro sexual shirt I still thought he looked spankin. :P Anyways, after dinner we went to Borders and strolled through the asiles until we came to the sex section. That was fun, reading this book BLOW HIM away. Very interesting. lol. I thought it was funny that it was next to the self help section, and I laughed when I saw the book "How to Save Your Marriage" right next to "The Ethical Slut" and "How to Dommineer". Yes America, this is it. We solve your problems with SEX. Meh..I have no comment.

Que Sera Sera Whatever Will Be Will Be

His kisses feel so much more than an act of desire or sexuality...it's like for that moment I really get to touch him, his being, and I'm given a sliver of hope that he will someday...maybe...want to love me.

When we're naked it doesn't even matter, I'm comfortable, and warm. It's beyond sexual.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling that my chest has been really sore. I didn't know what it was. When I did my monthly self breast exam last Wednesday I found a bump in my left breast almost into my armpit. Luckily my Doctor is new to town so she doesn't have many patients yet so I was able to schedule an emergency breast exam, bloodtest, and mammogram. She found 3 bumps; two in my left and one in my right. I get the results tomorrow afternoon, and lately I've been pretty nonchalant about the entire thing. I've only told Raf and my Mom. My Dad thinks I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow for just a pap smear. But it'll be a whole lot more. I didn't want to worry him. He has a tendency to over worry. Especially with medical things because he's had a history of tumors in his family. My Mom had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and plus she always reminds me to do a self check every month. I always jump to the worst conclusions but this time I've decided to just let the chips fall where they may. There's nothing I can do until I know, and there's no point in worrying about something not confirmed yet. For the past week I've been fine, and everything feels just the same. I still don't eat well, and I don't exercise, and I work a lot and am stressed quite often. It could be a whole number of other things. We will just have to see tomorrow....

Patience is a Virtue; and Life is a Waiting Game

I think I should really start to follow through on my quasi-life-philosophy of being simple. It's helped in the past. I've started to not drink as much at work, which has helped me looses weight. And I've cut down on the amount of alchohol I drink so yeah. All I need to work on is my diet and exercise. Ew...dreaded words eh? fuck it. I'm trying it...maybe. lol

Yesterday I watched Michael Moore's movie SICKO with my father. Both my parents are in the medical field, and after watching that I still can't stand how they can be happy working in such a flawed and unfair system. No reform, no compensation, no care for the sick, the poor- nothing? I'd rather live in France or Britain, or even Cuba! Or I could just move back to Canada, at least I'd know I'm not going to get screwed over if me or my family get's ill, or goes to college.

After the fight with Rafael I feel much closer to him spiritually, emotionally, physically. But, I know already know that my faith and trust i him has faltered. I don't know if he will do the same thing to me if we have another fight. And I'm sure we will. I'm just being realistic not pessemistic. He ignored me, was rude to me, and it made me feel worthless and insignificant. I know now that he knows that it's possible to have a fight that's good for your relationship. But, I don't know if he has built up the trust in himself to pull through more fights. I don't know if he will think that it's not worth fighting for and just quit me and leave. I don't know? I wish I could have more confidence, but for now all the confidence I have is in what I know. I know that he is good for me, and I am good for him. No matter how different he thinks we are, and how many problems we have. For some reason I think we both need to experience this relationship. For different reasons.

I wish I could teach him to trust more than himself, and that while you practice caution in relationships, caustion musn't hinder your ability to take risks and and get hurt once in a while. Cause we don't want to die without any scars. It's the only way we learn.
For me, I want him because he keeps teaching me new things about myself, and about him everyday. This mature relationship is something we've both never experience and I need to experience this with someone who is as doubtful (if not more), and as cautious, and inspired as I. I want to know that I have affected his life for the better; and I want him to know that he's affected my life for the better. Whether or not he chooses to stay with me or not. In the end I think it will be his decision. I don't know how committed he is to me, and because of that I to him. Right now things are good. How far it will go? I don't know. Time will only tell. All I do now is live, and wait.

Old Town Reminds us of How We Got Here

I think sometimes we all have the moment where we look at ourselves from a distant and breakdown. For him it was while we argued and fought in that little park in Old Town. Underneath the gazebo, while little children and their dogs played amoungst the the trees and swings. It was a tiny tic tac sized unrelated problem which almost cost us our entire relationship. And yet. When all was said and the cussing had passed, and the anger subsided, I made him see that I wanted him. That I believed and genuinly cared for him. I wanted to give him a reason to make it through this. I see his spirit, and how easily it's broken. He sees it too. I just need to let him see that I'm ok to let into his life. That it's ok to need somebody. That having someone who is able to give you things that you can't give yourself is ok. It's fighting, it's yelling filled with hate, and anger, and philosophical discussions of our self. We made it through. When he began to think back to how is life was before us. He finally saw what I've been seeing all along. That this was good for us. And it's ok to have fights, and it's ok to be mad at the one you care about, and it's ok to make up, and have a plan to be better. He wonders why I care for him.It's because we as human beings, filled with sensibility and reason, and raw emotion, are drawn to each other. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if I had broken up with him, or if I let him walk away. That's why I never gave him that option. I could tell he wanted too. That he felt that it could have been easier at the moment to let our emotions get the best of us and just leave. But after that then what? Would we have really been happier apart? Would we be satisfied. I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to give up. I wasn't ready to part from him. I just had to make him feel ok with feeling the same thing. I knew it was in there. Somewhere...

Charity Words

...well ain't that a damn fuckin crying shame?That people lie when they say "i hate being the one too make you cry" . The truth is they DON'T FUCKIN CARE. Why? Because we are ALL selfish human beings. We only think of our own comfort, and what would make us happy. That's all. It could be argued that even charity is selfish. That we do it because it makes us feel good about ourselves, not because it's a noble thing to do. Fucking Charity. Those love professing, heart wrenching, tear jerking statements are nothing but Charity words. That's all those damn pseudo euphemisms are. "I never want to hurt you." "I never want to make your cry" "I never want to cheat on you" They never think of those statements when they actually do hurt you or make you cry. It cuts deep doesn't it? Well man the fuck up and get over it!Fucking Charity Words.We say it because it makes us feel better about our selfish selves. There really is no such thing as a selfless human being. In the end, we all just want to protect our own asses from whatever ominpotent, virtuous, Divine, or Undivine. And after it's all said and done, we feel acomplished. And we have every right to back track in our statements because hey! they were never really truthful now were they? And we say "I never want.." or "I hate.." or "I don't want.." so that in the very likely chance that we do whatever we say that we never wanted to do. We can protect ourselves by saying, "Hey, I never said I promised not to blah blah blah."To sum up that very angry rant is this. Why do we always think of our actions, and words as a means to an end? We say things so that we can end whatever unhappy feelings, or so we can stop an uncomfortabe situation, etc. There would be a lot less hurt in the world, if peope hmm...I don't know. Were true to their word...or maybe practiced fuckin chivalry instead of cowardice.

Because Jack Johnson couldn't have written a better song

mood: inspiredHe pretty much makes me believe in possibilities.It's been a long time since I can honestly, truly say this...but I am happy. I am happy with my life and all it's imperfections and little perfections. I look forward to this new direction in life, and for once I am optomistic and confident in the choices I am making.My parents and I have come to an understanding. We actually have converstations, and we treat each other with more respect. My brother and I have gotten closer, and he's also becomed very accustomed to my boyfriend. In fact I can honestly say that my brother actually likes him, and that is rare for him to like anyone in my life. He's very picky. And...I am pleased to know that maybe someday I will be an aunt. Much to my surprise I have found out that he does actually date. lol The friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin are still there. Amazing, beautiful- I am lucky.Lucky enough to realize who were never really my true friends. I am okay with that.Lucky enough to live for my future, and not for my past. Because sometimes you love, and then you loose, and then you learn. And that's okay.Lucky enough to learn to trust again; to let myself open up to someone new; to date; to be crazy; to get caught; get in trouble; to fight and learn to work through it and not sweep it under the rug; to feel a connection; to have self repect; to be respected; to want someone so bad it hurts to be apart from them; to feel wanted for once; to learn to be comfortable in my body; to fight for something good; to have a healthy, mature relationship; to still be silly; to have intellectual converstations; to have someone to travel with; someone to kiss me; someone to call at the end of the day; someone to care for; someone to lagh with, and be stupid, and have fun with.I'm very lucky to have met him.

Heart____?

Current mood: crushed

heartbreak: (def) for me it feels like your chest cavity is imploding. you're lungs are still expanding and you're still alive. but the place where your innermost feelings and emotions dwell are targeted and it feels as if you are being frozen and shattered alive from the inside out.
(syn): pain

(ant): that feeling you get in between the area where your ribs meet at the center of your body. it's not superficial it lies physically deep within your gut. as if for a split moment in that area there was an expansion of light and your heart exeriences a wink of nirvana.He says it. and he takes it back. accuses me of lying. Says he wants me to be here and then pushes me away. Everytime he does this I pull back as much as I can. because i want him. and i want this. i want what we have. I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know if I can give whatever it is. I'm trying so damn fuckin hard. But everytime I think we are ok and we're there for each other he finds something to throw back at me. As if I meant for him to get hurt. He says that I will hurt him. but i don't want to. you can never promise not to hurt someone. But I can promise not to lie. I have fears. I have things that I don't say but instead choose to put my trust in him. I fear that he won't be able to come to me with any of our problems. that he will always go to his xanga, or go to Miriam to make him feel better. I feel he trusts her more than me. and I understand that but it still hurts. It still hurts to think that he feels as if I would hurt him like Evelyn did. I'm afraid that everytime he drinks he will second guess what we have. I'm afraid that he will never learn to trust me. I'm afraid that he'll always think that I'm going to hurt him on purpose. It hurts me more to know that he thinks I would do that. I'm afraid that he will run away from imperfection.I hate being compared. It makes me feel like I'm "just another girl". I feel so untrustworthy. So inadequate. Like I don't deserve his trust, and that's why he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now. I don't know what I do, but somehow I manage to crack a shell that I've never even touched.I want this to be genuine. From both sides. I want this to work. I want this to be honest.He has to be honest with himself. Before he can be honest with me.He has to trust himself. Before he can learn to trust me.Until then I just don't know what to do. I can only be here. And wait. Waiting is the hardest part

Ramblings of Teenage Heartbreak, and San Francisco New Beginnings

Carlos and I talked on the phone yesterday night! I've missed hearing from him, and his family. He is doing very well in Stanford, travelled to the Dominican, and doing a summer internship. My not so lil Marino is going to be a fire fighter, and Alejandra is showing up both her big bros at our alma mater. I am still very proud of him. I always knew he would do great things. I really do hope that we can stay in touch in the future. It's been hard to keep in touch these past months, but I think we both needed the distance from each other to move on with our lives. I cleaned out my room today. Looked at old stuff from way back when...mitchell's cd he gave me to ask me out...and the one he gave me when he broke up with me. lol...retard! I also found a pic of my and mitch at six flags. It's really cute. He has hella braces and we look so young! I can't believe we dated. lol It's wierd to think that I thought I was in love with him, when I didn't even know what love was. We're so like brother and sister. UGH NASTY! lol jk. I found a picture of me and Rambo at Morp when we dressed up as Vato Man & Ruben. I have them all because they are horrible pictures. lol I thought about how he treated me so badly, and I got really sad, then looked at the picture and laughed. And then I found ALL the stuff carlos gave me over the years. Notes we passed to each other between classes, in classes, stuffed animals, pictures, our boutiners and corsages from the dances we went to together, his senior pictures, the poems he copied from a website and gave to me (yeah i found you out!) lol, and other memorabilia. I considered throwing it away. But, then I thought to myself. Why? They weren't bad memories, in fact they are really fond memories that I'll always treasure and remember. I considered it because I don't want Raf to get hurt. But then I remembered that he said he didn't want to hurt me. And throwing those things away would hurt me because they are a part of me. So I kept them. I'm not ashamed of my past, and I don't want him to be scared of it. I want him to be ok with me and Carlos still being friends. But he still feels as if me and Carlos never broke up. ...that really bothers me.We broke up. It wasn't in bad taste, it was a mutual and mature decision. And we both wanted it. and needed it. It was the hardest thing I went through and suffered a lot from it. To finally come to the stark realization that you couldn't spend the rest of your life with the person you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I went through a depression, that led to me getting caught in the back of a truck by the cops with some chump who just wanted was to get in my pants. I felt so empty and just tried to fill the void with anything, and when this guy Cameron showed interest in me I was so blinded by the need for that longing to be wanted that I let him take advantage of me. I never told Los that. I guess I never trusted him as much as I thought I did. It's sad to realize that but it's just honesty. I love Carlos, but only as a friend now. We had a fun time, and it was really the most incredible relationship I had back then. I won't apologize for it. But I won't apologize either for moving on and giving the future a chance. I don't just rush into relationships. I think it through, and move slowly. Rafael... he gives me the things I really need. I like him so incredibly much that I find myself having to stop my self from using the L word to soon. In fear that I might scare him away. I don't want this to sound bad but I'm just going lay it out there. He goes just that extra step that non of my ex's ever did. They all just focused on the material things...ok...with a few exceptions. Mitchell was just a strange relationship, and I think we both knew it was doomed cause we weren't committed to each other. Rambo always made me feel like I was some rich snobby girl, and in the end he dumped me cause he had Molly on the back burner. Carlos ... it always had to be extravagent, and I was always hidden in his shadow. Sure it was great, but the moments that were just simple were few and far between. It's hard to explain. With Raf we can do anything together and it would still be amazing. He understands me, and we face problems in our relationship like we should. He's the most honest boyfriend I've ever had. I don't have that fear of him cheating on me, or that fear that he's hiding things from me. He puts in so much effort, and I just want to do the same. Ontop of everything I'm so incredibly attracted to him. I was never sexually attracted to any of my past boyfriends. And it's funny that people assume me and Carlos had sex, and then they find out that I'm still a virgin. But with Rafael....it's so much more than infactuation. It real, tangible, emotional attraction.this blog is getting long so let's cut to the chase...It's wierd to tell Raf that I spoke to Los Mainly cause I know how he can get nervous about things, and get really scared, then really distant. And, I didn't want that to happen again. But I wanted to trust him. I want him to accept my past, accept that I'm still friends with my ex's. They're all still my friends, and without whom I wouldn't be who I am today. I wish he trusted me, that's all. And he tells me he does, but it's that feeling you get....you know what I'm talking about. I want to believe him. But it's hard too. I want this to work out between us so bad, and I'm willing to work for it. Nobody said it would be easy.San Francisco was amazing. It was my Papa, Brudder, my Babe and me. And we had a blast. Walking around town, doing things that couples do lol, holding hands, kissing under trees, taking pictures. Visted china town, union square, japan town, haight street, and deyoung museum. We learned how to lindy hop in the park. It was so much fun. side: my bro loves Raf!!! he doesn't like any of my friends, so this is a huge sign. I'm so happy that raf and my family get along so well...anyways...Raf slept on the floor next to me. lol I felt so bad for him I kept giving him pillows. I held his hand as we fell asleep. And in the morning he was there. It was so incredible to see him the first thing in the morning. I think of "us" and our future, and I like it. I like thinking about it. One day I hope that I can share those thoughts with him.

Doing things that Lovers Do

PISMOCurrent mood: relaxedI could barely sleep. It's that feeling you get when your little and it's the night before you go on a big trip with your familiy. You're ultra super duper uber excited and you can't sleep, and you can't do anything but think of what to bring, what to wear, and what you're going to do. Ok. Maybe that's just me and I'm a lunatic, but I dunno. I think I finally slept at 2am? Then I woke up at 4am. I knew I couldn't squeeze anymore z's out. So I had breakfast. I never have breakfast. But I had it today because I couldn't think of anything else to do. Grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk...oh and a mango. Then I texted Raf to see if he wanted to leave early. lolHe came, we bid adieu to my parents, and left for day of unplanned bliss in Pismo Beach, CA. Stopped by my store to grab some drinks and snacks. Then it was off for a couple hundred miles of freeway nirvana. 2.5 hrs to be exact. The weather became cooler as we drove closer and closer to coastal relief. Away from the dreaded 110 brain boiling fresno ferver. I was able to fall asleep for an hour on the way. Something about him. I was comfortable; at ease. The open road, miles of freeway, and my babe driving next to me- I was calm. I woke up somewhere before San Luis Obispo. We stopped at a gas station. I went to the restroom. This lady and her son came in right after I had. I had proceeded to wash my hands as all right minded healthy respectable individuals would. WRONG. This lady and her son smushed their nasty germ infested, verminous phallanges all over the metal door of the restroom. I eyed the mother's reflection through the bathroom mirror in bewilderment as they so purposfully left without washing hands. I could see their hand prints. It was there. I could only look at it and cringe. What was I to do? I pushed the door open with my foot and left. As I walked out of the gas station. The mother and her son were parked next to us. Their shame radiated for she knew she had disgraced herself by not teaching her son the value of simple hygeine. Or so I thought. They drove off. The obsessive compulsive neurotic corner of my mind flashed the idea of writing down their lisenece plate number in the very plausible case that I had contracted some mallignant deadly virus, I could very well blame them and sue them to make them pay for my treatments. Ok, am I pushing it? lolMoving on.We arrived in pismo in cool 60 something weather. Head to grab some clam chowder at the famous Splash Cafe. Raf had turkey sandwich. I poked fun at him saying that we drove 200 miles for him to get a turkey sandwich. Afterwards we walked out on the peir and watched the surfers in the freezing waters and the little kids splashing around. There was a vendor out on the peir and Raf bought some souvineres and some beautiful sea glass earings that I saw. As we returned from the peir a dog whisperer was showing off his dog tricks with two puppies. It was cool. Walked around the town for a little, and did some chopping. I mean shopping. By that time the crowds of Euro toursits flooded in. We went into this store that sold chocolate covered scorpions and lollipop worms. ICK! We spent some time on the beach just lounging around and being goofballs. Raf was determined to get into the water no matter how cold it was. The little kids were in there shirtless and surfing and Rafael, this 6ft something college man could barely dip his feet in. lol. It was amusing. Not so much when he dove in the water and came back to hug me. lol.At night we at the Cracked Crab. It was soooooooooooooooooo GOOD! That was the first time Raf had ever tried seafood and he loved it! lol. We colored on the paper tablecloth before they served our food. We drew eachother without looking down. He drew me as this blob of hair, and I drew him with at least some distinguishable features. lol. Our waitress was nice, everyone there was nice. It's the kind of place you wish you worked at.After stuffing ourselves silly we drove home. Taking silly candid pictures of each other with only a few semi formal ones on the peir. I will surely post those as soon as we get them developed! The radio got nothing but static so we just talked. There's a lot you can learn when you have a 3 hr. conversation with someone.A wonderful trip.

Of Uncertainties and Will

mood: happy, euphoric, unsure, at peace.
location: room

I guess my reason for starting this blog is to relieve some uncertainties that I've in a way ascertained throughout the course of my very short time on the earth.

About a month ago, if you asked me my philosophy on life it would completely different than what it is today. I've come to terms that friendships end, you move on, and that's ok. I've met a man that's made me happy in so many ways, and with that comes uncertainties that are beyond understanding. In a way I've grown closer to those already close to me, and realized the extent of how far one friendship can go. And I am ok with that.

Even with this unwavering conscious in the back of my head, I am willing to see what life has in store for me. I have this mock trial coach Jamie she is absolutely inspirational. To be pregnant with cancer, and be as optimistic and strong as she is absolutely breathtaking. It's people like her that give me hope for tomorrow. They give me the will and the want to achieve what I need.

A Stream Of Consciousness

It's redundant. It's circular. But it's exactly how I feel... in a sense.At times, I'll give up hope that "yeah maybe someday, I'll have freedom.", but somedays, like other days, I'll think "who the fuck needs freedom anyways?" Yes, I know, just a little more cynical, and I could very well fall off the face of the earth. But, I mean lets look at it closely. I've lived in this bubble of perpetual motion of standards, of images, of wealth, of damn fuckin superficiality for so long, that I'm numb to whatever crosses my path as the aforementioned. It doesn't bother me. But now, it bothers me that it doesn't bother me.I've met some really cool people lately. It confuses me. I know that makes no sense. Don't try to analyze that, and I won't try to elaborate. Ok maybe I will. Cool people. They're awesome and make me happy. They belong together. But, I still don't know. And I don't know why I don't know, and the fact that I don't know why I don't know bothers me because I always know...I think.......? But, for some reason I'm fine with not knowing, and it's been a long fucking time since I've been so sure of not knowing. I don't know if it's because of cool people, or because of the state I'm in when I'm with cool people. But it's cool. ya dig? But , I just want to let go. Still, no matter how shitty circumstances are, I just want to let it go, and be myself. It's selfish, and in a lot of ways greedy. Maybe that's just who I've become. Or who I'm longing to be. I odn't know. I hope I'm not like that. Am I like that? I don't know. Those are harsh words.I don't know what I'm trying to derive from this nonsense. That maybe I wonder if he wonders that I wonder... Or maybe I feel like I'm being pushed away the more they try to supress me, and that depresses me like none other because I value them and I hope someday we'll have the relationship I'd hope to have. Or maybe that I'm still hurt by that fact, you called me just to put me down. Or maybe you say that your sorry but every chance you get it's all about your damn fuckin self. Or maybe because I wish they'd trust me more. Or maybe because I don't know how to tell you that it's done. Or maybe because I feel inferior towards you and you have no idea, and I'm afraid of what it might do for me and whatever little chance I have. Or maybe because I've turned into something I'm not, and I'm hating myself for this. Or maybe that I'm still trying to figure things out...because I just dont friggen KNOW!?and nights. like tonight. i don't care that i don't know.i'm pissed. I think that's what I'm trying to say.pissed and confused.there two words to describe what all that crap was about. go figure.

Standards

I have standards. No more excuses. I won't break them for anyone. PERIOD.I know I may be quite bothersome when it comes to that guy blah blah blah, but please bare with me. In my mind I think that the constant and ever continuing conversing will ultimately numb my nervousness. But in all honesty, I'm treading unknown waters, and I'm afraid to sink. I'm not a fan of not knowing whether or not there is potential for a relationship, so I tend to psych myself out by overanalyzing certain situations. Believe me, I'm working on that. So what the heck is this post all about? Well, I figured that if I had it down in some form of which is tangible, I'd be better able to grasp what exactly my standards are. As communication with the opposite sex seems to be the one constant barrier I have such trouble with. So here goes...1. Must value education as much as I. If you want respect, do something worth respecting. Nor can he be the guy that undermines what I study and love. His interest in what I do is of great importance and by far a necessity. It would be genuinely reciprocated of course.2. Driven. Must know what his goals are. I'm tired of guys who have no idea what they want and where they want to go in life nor what they want out of a relationship.3. Must practice chivalry. It's a thing. No questions asked.4. Physical health is of importance, but not their primary concern when it comes to going out on a date or working out at the gym. I'm definitely not a fan of the all body and no brain kind of guy.5. Understands and respects my parents, and is not afraid of meeting them or their standards.6. ABSOLUTELY NO Freinds with Benefits. I'm sick of that. It's stupid, immature, and is the most irrational mindset after cheating. Just not for me. I've tried, and it doesn't work. Plus, I don't do man whores. (sorry andrew)7. Must be attractive. Heyyyy, I'm not shallow, or superficial. And, I won't apologize for that statement. It's a fact that we like people that are attractive. I know you can't deny it. In this sense, I'm applying it not only to the physical but also the personality. I'm hate dry personalities and poor excuses for stale conversations.That's all I'm asking for. That's not alot right? right. I thought so too.

Peace & Love & Birthday Fun

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes!!! They are truly appreciated.Friday was the greatest! Thank you to everyone that made it!Here's the rundown...Right after class me and Laila went and bought me a cute outfit to wear. Did a little shopping then met up with Edgar at Sephora for my full consoltation. Raced back home to get ready, and met up with everyone at Fuggazi's for dinner at 6. Dustin had made sure it was ready for us when we got there, but unfortunately was not working that night. Gabe sat us, and directed our guests when they arrived. I'd have to say that we were quite the party. Had my girl Cambria helping us with whom all the boys were flirting with. My boy George was inside but came out to say hey every once in a while. He really wanted to join us when we were all singing, but he was working. :( However, I did get one very unexpected, and one very welcomed surprise visit from Dustin who wasn't working that night, but came just to say hi and wish me a happy brithday. :o)teehee...*blushes*. I know I'm a silly girly girl with silly girly girl crushes on the silly cute boys at Fugazzi's. lol. But that is a whole other story. Had some good food, good times. Oh, and got serenaded by the wonderful voices of Kayla, Eugene, Edgar, Laila, and Tay! That was soo much fun! Opened some wonderful presents which I adore, and completely feel undeserving of! My cute parents came and had dinner with us. They are so funny and I love them.After dinner we all went to Gahlebs but it was packed so decided to go to Neo's but that fool was closed for catering so we just went and hung out at Theta Chi. Frank had a hotel room at the Radisson, so after a few beers and getting one very interesting, and quite violating lap dance from one of the Theta Chi brothers we left for the Radisson. lol. I saw some old friends of mine Gyasi, Ryan and Frank! How I miss hanging with them! After chilling with some brothers and some random people we decided to call it a night. It was soooo much fun. I loved every second. For all those that couldn't make it, I missed you and wished you were there!Here's to a great 19th year my friends. Peace & LoveJLos