cigarettes and chocolate milk

i've got to admit, i've drank at work before, but today was baaaaad. lol. so worth it though.


i was definitely drunk at work today.
it got to the point that me and jacob were so pissed off that we decided to just say fuck it
kit is a dumbass
renee is a dumbass
i hate starbucks
except nights like these when i have a kick ass lead.

i love jacob.
and jacob's bro daniel.
they are def my favorites forever.

lol

dropped all my pennies, and my dimes. what a hoot.
i came to the sad realization that our close was going to be better than half the fuckin closes at the entire store. lol. AND it was friday night, we got slammed making $350 in one half hour. that's something to the tune of $10.5 a minute.

3 beers, one smirnoff, 4 cigars, 1 cig.
oh yeah. i'm definitely due for a wellness blog tomorrow. lol

eugey broke up with eddie today. i am very proud of him. he needs to take care of himself first not worry about. that relationship wasn't all bad, i have to admit it made euge realize what he wants, and what he needs in life. and i hope that it does the same for eddie. i just want the best for him, and i know he's going to hurt right now, but i know in my heart that he's going to grow from this, and be better for it.

Days like today

Sometimes I wonder why I have days when I lapse. There are little things throughout the day that remind me of him and it's disheartening. Days like today I guess. I thought to myself, I wonder what he's doing, and what he's writing about on his xanga, and if he ever writes of me, or even if he thinks of me once in a while. I write things in here that I want to share, but nobody to share them with. And I keep this thought in the back of my mind, that if I share this with him, he could help me make sense of myself. Like he did before. I thought. But, it made him realize that he doesn't want me. I wonder if anything that happened between us had any effect in his life. But in the end we've said are dues, and I've watched as he walked away. Ironic. That was his screen name on xanga. I checked it today. It wasn't the first time, I have in the past. I'm always curious to see if he'd ever let me back into his life, and see him for who he is. But, do I want to? Yes. That's what drew me to him, his honesty, and rawness, and spontenaity. I miss that very much. I wish I had that once more. I wish we could be better friends. Now, it is the occasional text message that I always send when I miss him and want to feel that connection once more. I miss our talks, and stuff we'd do. I see his friends around school, and they always want me to come back and hang out. I see him every so often, but he never has time to talk, very busy with studying of course. My professors talk of him, without knowing what happened between us. So do my friends. It's been rough. But, it's been a lot easier. But days like today, whenever everything reminds you of what you had, and lost. These days seem to really be draining.

bitchy people make the world sad.

this girl brianna mcdonald. i went to highschool with her. i don't think she's everl liked me. I found out that she had liked Carlos, when i started to date him. lol. wow. So ever since that she's been hecka cold. besides that she's one of those people who always act like they're better than everyone, and she never awknowledges me, i have to do it first. lol. oh well. just gotta kill her with kindness. weird thing is she's the little sister of two of the coolest brothers i know. josh and kev. wierd huh? oh well. she must be troubled or something.

she is the antithesis of locke.

superwoman

I bought a book called Superheroes and Philosophy. I'm excited.

And I bought some neitzsche, and the oxford dictionory of philosophy.

I wonder.

lsat
gre
peace corps
grad school
law school


i like that .

zzz

I just realized the parallels between Plato's Republic and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Besdies the fact that they had Socrates in it.

I shall expand further, some other time. I am tire and I want sleep.

Autumn Leaves

It's cold tonight. It feels very autumny.

I've been debating on whether or not to share this with raf. Should I email him the permission link to read my blog? I feel that we are losing touch more and more each day. Makes me sad, that it was something that filled me with happiness me, and now has almost no presence in my life.

Part of me wants me to let him read it, because in some wierd way I feel like he'd understand it. And part of me doesn't want to burn that bridge. I don't want that connection to just disipate.

The other part of me is afraid that he'll reject my offer, as if he doesn't even care. Rejection. hmm...how to deal with this fear....

Reject me once, shame on you.
Reject me tiwice, shame on me.

The semester is rolling up quickly. It's gaining speed. which reminds me I must finish writing!

Wellness Blog #1

In an effort to loose wieght, get back in shape, tone down by belly, arms, legs and everything in between. I'm starting a wellness blog. Not only is this something where I can be raw and honest about my feelings of my physical and mental state, but I can use this as a self improvement exercise. And this shall be my first entry.

Tuesday of WEEK 1

weight: 135lbs

worked out today? yes. for 1 and a half. did a cardio and abs circuit with euge then we saw Bryce my ex teaching a combat fitness class. we joined in for a half hour.

breakfast: none

lunch: salad and water

dinner: not yet.

snacks throughout the day? chewy sour smarty things. but only to keep me awake through my last class.

cigs/cigars/hookah/pot: nada I've been thinking of pot. hmm.. I said I'd try it with chris and jason. Just cause I was curious as to why I'm so vehemently against something I have no knowledge of. Is that naivete?

relationship/friendship wise? My friendship with raf is good. We text and talk occasionally but I don't feel the need anymore to try to make small talk. We moved on. Human after all huh? lol. I'm worried that Priss maybe going down a very long and very confusing path. I'm just trying my best to be there for her. She has had fracture in her foot for a year. ....i know. Me and euge are hanging out more. I am happy.I just want my body to reflect that now. We are both going through transformations.I'm coming into my own style and euge is thinking of dumping eddie. He is just holding him back. But he needs to figure that out on his own terms.

state of mind: tired, healthy, lots of homework to do!!!

can you thrift it? like i thrift it?

i am in love with thrift stores.....once again. i had this addiction in highschool, and now it's back.

bought to much stuff. lol. had some fun me time. went to rasputin's bought a postal service and death cab shirt that i've always wanted. chilled at teazers and talked to the bartenders. they're really cute. i'm going there tomorrow with priss. should be fun ;)

goodbye lame ass fashion fair (with the exception of urban outfitters, and vs)

helloooooooo downtown fresno.


euge and me. we're going through a transformation.

i dig it.

Closure

Don't know. I miss him, but it's easier now. Feels like I'm bouncing back, but I want him to come back to me at the same time. When I think about certain times, certain songs, I can't help but feel like he's "the only one that really knew me." But I can't dwell on that anymore right? Only time will tell. Did he love me? Is that the reason why he let me go? Or was he really just not that into me? That's what he said. But there were times, that could say otherwise. I just wish he would have let himself love me. It would have been the greatest thing, but that's it. It's his loss. You'll never find another love like mine. This is closure. This is it. Friends.


No need to date guys in Fresno I know won't last. Wait till San Fransisco. Focus on school. Get the hell out of here.

Limbeck.

She really broke my heart in two.
Four years later, I still never forgave her.
The thing is, when I was ready to,I had completely dismissed her.
Now I think I'm driving through her state.
And I'm not ready for some burnt down bridge just yet
.And I'm not sayin I want anything from you.
The only thing I really want now,
If I see you, Suze,Is if we drove side by side,
On a highway in the in the beehive state,
That we could Honk and Wave.

So I'll just keep taking the 15 through.
It's kind of early so I'm swerving and swerving.
There's really nothing else to do,
except sit and keep steering, thinking,
driving through her state.
And I'm not ready for some burnt down bridge just yet.
And I'm not sayin I want anything from you.
The only thing I really want now,
If I see you, Suze,
Is if we drove side by side,
On a highway in the in the beehive state,
That we could Honk and Wave.
I wonder of a way that I could make her feel like an ass
Without her thinking I'm trying to do that.

My Ass Hurts

Sean Jones is losing his appeal. socking I know. maybe he just looked a mess today so i wasn't too into him as i usually am.
david gallegos on the other hand is still looking quite fine. he has this mysterious shyness about him that i like.
my new friend craig is adorable. i think we will be very good friends in the future, he's like a chipmunk, and he's very smart. type a personality. i can roll.
Los is just a friend. went to teazers. no feelings of reboundness. it felt good. had a chat. soaked up some sun and some tea then i dropped him off at borders.

overall a splendid afternoon of mocktrial and teazer

After Raf I've felt no feelings of Rebound? It's funny, fresh, I feel independent.

I'm so sore from Euge's hard ass core workout yesterday. My ass, and thighs, and abs hurt like a mother. I feel good, even though it's painful. a good pain. My goal is to get tones for the tournaments so I can have the rockin body to go with the rockin attorney/witness. lol I just want to look good enough so that my self esteem is fine, and i have courage.

Must go back to study. I like blogging. It gives my mind a little debriefing. Back to reading the Melesians. I have a quiz!!!

Must say. Feeling very fit. Yeah Yeah. Don't you just know it.
Working out 4 days a week. Wooooooot. mmmmhmmm. K so Mock Tizzletomorrow?! YEAHHHHH.

Worked with the vunderful jacob. He's my favorite. We screw around and break all the stupid rules at starbucks. lol. Can you say snickerdoodle frappucino? hellllllllz yeah. Kellcie is so fun, I lubbbbber her! We talked about guys the whole night. lol. I'm so hyped up. But now I've got to chill, finish a direct examination and read plato's republic for the 4oth time. fuck. lol. What is it with profs and different translations. I wish there was just one universal translation dammit. Mmmmk.... I think I'm going to go take a shower, put on some wicker park and do my thang.

Late late bloggy, have a good night. Life is swell I am enjoying the season. Lounging around underneath the fall trees at school, reading and examining the simplicity of leaves in the treees and at the same time their ever so complicated connections.

my feet are sore, 8 hr shit ain't cool yo. not cool. at all.

So Fresh and so CLEAN CLEAN

what fun it is to have a day to relax. finally.

Hung out all day with Anthony :) We went to Rasputin's and I bought a bunch of cd's and a free bag. And my favorite movie Wicker Park. Josh Hartnet! DREaMY! lol...just like my ethics professor....ok. Anthony bought a T-shirt. Of superman, he's such a dork. Today was just really laid back. My first class was cancelled so I was able to get my reading done for my next class. I'm starting to get back into shape already! I only have a bomb ass salad for lunch at school. That's basically it. And I've been managing my money quite well... ok well except for today but I treated myself. I really should stop being so selfish. Hm...tomorrow morning going to work out with euge. I get to work with Jacob tomorrow night! I have missed that boy so. So Everyone loves my hair. ANd well....I love it most. I feel so clean and fresh with it. I feel very hip, very collegiate. I think I will keep it short for the rest of the year. So I was in the USU yesterday and I kid you not, I think I got checked out by some guys who were actually pretty cute, and I know me and euge have checked them out before. One of them is a soccer player and the other one is in a bunch of chem classes. But I know they're cocky when I sat by them, and one of them said something to other one, and then was like like stop being so obvious. lol. I felt good, but just brushed it off. It was a confidence booster. I guess it helped that I was wearing a mini and my make love not war tshirt. lol. Like anyone cares about that. I listened to their conversation nonchalantly and well... they talk about the exact same thing that girls do. Except the opposite. They talk about us. it was strange. I got a glimpse into the male psyche.

Not a beautiful and unique snowflake

Dr. Becker kept quoting fight club today. He is by far my most radical professor I've ever had.

Mock Trial...things are finally starting to get into the swing of things! There's this guy david....galle something. Whatever. He caught my eye. Fancy his tat much. But my guy of choice is still sean jones. I try to act non chalant around him, but he's just so sweet. And fuck he doesn't even think about me.

My new blackberry finally arrived. fuck yes. I hope I don't drop this one...

lol. yeah...right.

a final goodbye to ol space

Said goodbye to the myspace this afternoon. Was most exhilarating! I realized I spent way to much time on something that I don't need. It was cold goodbye, like I didn't have the emotional attachment I had to it like I used to. Thought that it was the only way to keep in touch with people. But I realized that if people want to be in my life then they will make an effort to do so, and same goes for myself. In other words. I have my phone. I have my email. Other things seem unnecessary.
Don't know what to do with facebook yet. There's some sentimental value with that. I wonder if raf kept the conversations we had....I still have them. Don't know what to do with them.

21 units, mock trial, work, i need as much time to read as possible.

Against The Odds

So, this morning I felt lazy and nostalgic..and well..I decided to watch an old new favorite movie. It's called Wicker Park. The soundtrack is phenomenal. I'm going to cut my hair today! It's going to be short. Not pixie cut short but bob like short. I can't wait.

Yesterday at work I was on my lunch and so i decided to sit down in the cafe and this guy sitting across from me has this book out on the table and he was waiting for a drink. I was looking at him and he smiled at me (O_O shit) , so I smiled back. They called out his drink "quad venti nonfat extra dry cappuccino". I was impressed so I thought I might make some small talk since he was looking my way and he looked like his early 20's, and the best part...he looked lost and foreign. He looked very much like Sean. lol I was right. He was from Finland, and he was reading Plato's Republic!! Yes......foreign exchange student......can you say fate? lol. no it wasn't. Not after we got talking about the book. His accent was hard to understand, and I think that made the communication barrier all the more thicker. lol. He agreed with Plato's elitist form of class systems. I told him that it is to much of a patriarchal ideal and was flawed. He asked me why I disagreed because he thought Plato was a feminist. But I told him he was wrong he actually wasn't a feminist. He argued for equality but with restrictions on women and children. Plato says that women and children should be freed from slavery but to still be constrained to their gender roles. This is the only way Plato believes the state can help the individuals reach praxis. I think after he realized I was right....lol.....he started to just push my buttons and play devil's advocate. It was interesting after a while I told him that he should read the Nicomachean Ethics then talk to me again. I went back to work and he kept reading. I forgot to ask his name.

Here's some lyrics my favorite song from Wicker Park it's a cover of "Against the Odds" by the Postal Service

"How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave?
'Cause we shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
But take a look at me now
There's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've gotta face
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all


Mock Trial was fun yesterday, I hope we can go to Nationals. My work load is going to be so heavy this year. I think I may just quit Starbucks if it gets to much. Eugene wants to move out with me next summer, and Priss wants me to go with her to New York next summer too....what to do?!?!?! They're my two closest friends.

Talk about ETHICS!

dammit. I think I have a crush....and it's all because of Laila. If she hadn't pointed him out to me in that way I would have just carried on as usual. But now...

I have a crush on my professor. lol. And I think I'm just intrigued because he's so young, and he's an ethicist and so freakin smart, and he's pretty damn good looking. Today Laila sat behind me in class and whispered "Dr. Higgins would make a fun boyfriend" and then I was like "shhh...." lol. After that I couldn't start staring...and wondering...hmmmm...maybe. He turned around to write something about Kant on the board and his shirt kinda lifted up and uh...yeah. I felt really embarrassed and nobody knew. I do like the way he dresses...he always wears jeans, and a regular shirt with some button up over top it with the sleeves rolled up. He doesn't even look like a professor! After class I go and talk to him as usual, and I still haven't added it yet. But he's like "I'm sure we can find a way to have you stay in the class." even though he needs an even number, and I'm an odd one out. Very. Interesting. This is just a stupid lil girly crush. I think I got on his good side when he asked me if he could have a copy of my mock trial case because he's interested in how other people set up debates. Yea....I gave it to him of course. omg this is so LAMEEEE!!!! But, I have to say he is probably the most engaging professor I've ever had.

I have to ask myself....Is this ethical? I know I probably would never but....still...it begs the question. Is dating your professor ethical? ...Or is dating your ethics professor ethical.. What a hilarious conundrum

I'm The Most Important Thing In My LIfe

That's the t-shirt I bought at Zara in San Francisco. Very fitting for a day like today.
Life is fun.

I love driving by myself in my old school mini van. Poor thing I left her lights on this morning at work and so my battery died. Luckily our tea party regulars came in the morning and they love me so they jumpstarted my car. Dr. Becker is interesting, I find myself dosing off in class because of stupid people who ask stupid questions and so he is forced to entertain them. But after class I spend like 20 minutes asking the questions I'd like to have asked but didn't have time too, or maybe I was too shy. I am still very skeptical about Manneheim's theory of political activity. When one becomes involved in politics the usual outcome is not enlightenment, but enforcement of misguided biases. After recognizing one's limits, and the limits of other people's understand where do you go from there. There is no middle ground, not base upon which there is room for understanding, compassion, or even consensus. That's me being hypercritical of a very utopian theory. I love playing devil's advocate in class, even if I don't agree with what I'm saying lol. Tonight was mock trial class. Met the new coaches. This one woman is intimidating because she's a DA,and the other one used to by my crim prof last year. ... who I don't really respect. But that's a whole other blog. Anyways, Sean was looking like himself. I think I've fallen out of infactuation for him. He's taken on the characteristics of my chris wilson. lol. I met a new team member David. He is very intruiging. He has this very sexy tatoo on his right arm. Even though it was a cross....lol. He seemed nervous. lol. Oh well it was endearing. He sat next to me after I introduced myself. I think this year's teams will definitely be fun. I get to play the victim this year, as well as a defense attorney. Very very EXCITING!!!

Met up with raf today after my phil class. He gave me back my journal. I don't know what he was expecting....maybe that I would still be distraught and angry, and irrational. Well...here's the thing... it takes a lot out of me, but I move past that stage quickly because I don't find the use in dwelling on something like that. And also because I get tired of being angry and emo. I'm not that kind of person. I'm very chill, and peaceful. Especially on something that I had no control over. I don't regret my relationship with Rafael. Nor am I embarrassed, or disheartened or broken by it. I was upset about the way he lied to himself and to me and everyone. But, honesty is what he needs to deal with, not I. I was honest in this relationship, I took as risk, got hurt, learned, and that's ok. That's how you move on and grow. I realized I need someone who is consistent with their feelings, and is honest about what they want. That is not Rafael. He's happy being by himself, that's his own personal choice. Who am I to say what makes a person happy? But I told him that the thing I value most in a realtionship is honesty. We have very different views on relationships in general. I won't be in a relationship if I feel it's forced, or obligated to someone, I'm in it for them, because I want to, because I want to be with that person. But his skepticism leads him to question his very own thoughts. I don't even want to mess with that anymore. Well in the end, I asked for a hug because I did miss him, and I was happy he knew how he went about things was wrong, or not the best way, and that I was able to say what I needed and wanted to say, and finally get closure.

I bought two new posters from the guy outside of the bookstore today! He was the one that introduced me to Manu Chao. He had a print of my single most favorite peice of art. It's called the Kiss by Gustave Klimt, and also a John Coltrane poster.

Sending love from Teazers

It's a warm, calm, breezy day today. I am at Teazer's right now. Feeling very chic, cool, collegiate with my laptop, books and skinny jeans. ha. School this morning was fun. I am finally in classes I love doing the reading, and work for because it interests me and the professors are cool. Worked out after class for an hour, then headed over here to do some studying. I love it here. I love the ambiance of eclectic people conversing over some genuine iced tea. I think I might want to work here. I am reading my book for my professional ethics class about moral dilemmas. I talked to Dr. Higgins today after class for a half hour, about his roomate who works at starbucks and mock trial. He is very happy that I am in his class because we are going to be doing debates and case work!! I can't wait. Not to be egotistical but this is my shit. lol We discussed this phrase in class today "Treat other as an end not as a means" I thought about how it applied to my life, and how I am so much for the better for living by this. Talked about the seven deadly sins in my social political theory class. Pride. Something I can't stand. Something I think people need more of, and something some people need less of. My coach emailed me the schedule of tourney's this year. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO YALE!!! Holy mother effer. O_O

Old Flames

Met up with Los tonight!!!! Aw. He looks like he's definitely grown into himself. Still, the same person I knew. We caught up on on everything over coffee at the starbucks near our old highschool where we go for lunch our senior year, and talked of what new things are happening in our life. Then he asked when he was going to meet my boyfriend. And yup...there we go...He was not thrilled to hear what happened. I didn't really know how to explain it. He didn't know how to react but, said that he was very sorry. Then when we parted he gave me one of those hugs. The Carlos hug. lol. It felt nice. Comfortable. Unforced. I'm glad we are still friends and we can still be honest about things. He's done a lot of good things in Stanford. I'm very proud of him. :0) We are going to hang out as much as we can before he leaves on the 20th. I wonder.....yes....I wonder...

oh these friends of mine

Jacob is like my big brother, I'm glad I have someone like him to talk to. Just hearing the words "you're beautiful, your smart, you deserve so much more, you'll find some one so much better...." from a straight man who actually means it, makes a difference. lol don't get me wrong i love euge and anthony and bon bon. but Jacob makes me realize that everyone isn't just saying those things just to say it, or make me feel better. It's because they're true. I can always come to him for advice. :) I think I will take it into consideration. My parents took the picture of me and raf out of the mug i made and threw it away. I was angry at them, because they reuined my mug that I worked hard on, and they messed with something that wasn't theirs. And, I thought that I wasn't ready to get rid of pictures. Part of me doesn't want to, but then I think yeah maybe I should at least get them out of sight. But anyways, Jacob made me realize that it's fine. And if he is actually honest about wanting to stay friends, then I should let him prove it. Cause right now I don't trust him at all. He also said that even if he doesn't value me as a girlfriend, I'm not just going to compromise the worth of my friendship just because I miss him right now. Jacob says not to internalize Rafael's own inner problems. This is not my problem, I didn't cause it. It's on him, and only he can deal with his own demons. Jacob is going to call me later tonight when he gets off work to check up on me. What a guy, even after dealing with a friend's death in Iraq, he still has time to talk to silly people about their silly little girl problems. His girlfriend, Kim is going to teach me some basic Italian before I take the class next semester! I can't wait! :) I am quite envious of her, but at the same time I adore her. lol.

Today was good, finished my homework for the weak, and I'm ahead on my reading for my New Testament class. I'm going to read the Mock Trial case tonight!!! Can't wait to get back in. When I came to the practice last Saturday, it was a huge surprise for everyone. Only Kayla, and my Coach Gordon knew. So what they did was when everyone was meeting up and getting ready to start Gordon said "I have an announcement to make, AMTA added a new witness to the case, I know it's a surprise they're changin the case so early in the year but they just released her affidavit this morning....her name is JENNY CARLOS!" and I bust out through the door. My old team mates were floored. That surprise was fun. That's when I saw Sean, and he was like "omg you liar!" Cause I lied and told him I wasn't coming back. But he was happy cause it was the core of our old team from last year back again.

Today was Niki's and Jamie's birthday, went for a drink at Niki's house then came home early so I can do more reading. Didn't feel like drinking at all, but I drank a mojito just because it was her 21st.

Well I'm off, I am feeling much better.

I Wish You Love

I felt like an idiot. Foolish. Blind. What makes me cry is when I see something familiar of the past months and I remember how it was with him. I get sad that it couldn't be that way anymore. Because I was at first something he liked, and after a while it was just a chore to him. I was a chore. I never thought of myself as high matienance but I guess I was? I never asked him to ask me for permission to go out with his friends but he did anyways. I guess that's what he thought I wanted? I don't know. Lies about marriage, and kids. Conversations I never wanted to have yet, were fake anyways. Can't say I'm surprised, I called him out on that when we had that conversation. Don't know why it feels like he's blaming me for that. He writes in his xanga, reminiscent of the past blogs from a year ago. He wrote a blog saying that he was thinking of breaking up with me, I was chore, all this stuff right before school started. Before he told me that we would make it work, that he would pick me up from school (which he volunteered I never asked him), that we would study together. I don't know what that was. Was he trying to salvage our relationship? Or was he just lying to me? Or both? Whatever it was it felt like punch in the neck when I read it. I am emotional. This is me. I want a man. A man that doesn't feel like spending time with me is a chore.

Eugey just left. Came over because I called him all in a mess. We talked of raf and carlos and family and eddie. Realized that this is who Rafael is. I don't fit into his world. I was just a stepping stone, a hurdle in life. Something he had to experience to realize that this relationship thing was something he definitely didn't want, or couldn't handle. Everyone is just as shocked. Nobody understands. But who can? I don't think Rafael even understands fully. But he knows how he feels even if he's unaware of how he came to that conclusion. He told me I deserve better, that I am beautiful, that he is the one that doesn't desreve me and most importantly that I am not worthless. I swear, if Eugey wasn't gay I would seriously have his babies. lol. Hey!!....Will and Grace did it...lol. Things are making sense, in a wierd way. I am slowly getting over this feeling of hurt. Realizing that you can't blame someone for being who they are. But you do have the right to be hurt, and cry, and get angry, and express all the emotions you feel towards that person. I was a chore to him. He is wrong though. I'm not a chore. The person who deserves me, won't see me as an obligation. I never put a gun to anyone's head and said "DATE ME DAMMIT!" lol. So I really don't see any logic in paralleling me to an obligation. I mean if I don't want to do my laundry I won't and I'll walk around the house in my underwear! No.....seriously. But he's going back to his old ways, and I think that's where he wants to be. He wants be single, have no ties, drink till he looses control, be with other girls when and where he wants. He has every right. He's young, and he deserves to live. But I.....I don't deserve to be tossed away and lied too. And I've learned my lesson. I saw the signs. And from now on I'm going to go with my gut. See....I felt like an idiot. But now, I feel blessed. To have friends that will come over in the middle of the night to talk, who love me, and actually know me. I feel lucky now that I am not so blinded anymore.

Tomorrow will be a better day. :) Work at the bux, Exercise with eugey, and then coffee with Carlos!!!!! yay!!!!! He is interested to hear what happened. lol. I think it will be kinda surreal to talk to my exboyfriend about my exboyfriend. I think that's what made me realize that I am worth it. That I am deserving of love and affection. Because in the past Carlos did. And he respected my parents, and was not embaraced to show his love for me. I guess I did in a way lie to Raf about that. I wrote this blog on myspace and set it to private, and I deleted it. It was only visible my preferred list and I think at the time Raf wasn't on there. It was at the beginning of me and raf's relationship. Pretty much asking Carlos to tell me not to do this if it will close the door on our future. But I knew he wouldn't respond because he never goes on myspace. We broke up because of distance yes. And to see what was out there. I've seen what was out there....and it bit me in the fucking ass. lol I am smiling now and it feels good too. Things make sense. Rafael couldn't trust whatever feelings he had for me. And that's ok. But, I want and need someone who can. I don't need that person now. But at least I know what I n eed. And what I don't.I know now that some guys just don't.And some guys do. And those guys are the ones that will want to because of you.Not because they "have" to.This is who he is. Don't know if he is meant to ever be in a relationship. I sincerly wish he could feel what it's like to be with someone honestly, and whole heartedly, who feels like your missing peice. I'm sure in time, he will want that, but for now I don't think that's what he can handle. But me, I know what I need.

And, on that note..... I wish him love.

ramblings

What a strange experience..

Read a lot today. I'm staying on top of my readings, and for some strange reason it's getting easier and easier to do so. I mean to find time. I realized I actually can read fast and retain much of if not all of the content if I write in the book. I am really loving my Literature of the New Testament class. My teacher Dr. Maldonado is by far one of the smartest men I have ever met. His mind is like a never ending encycolpedia of history and religion. Dr. Becker is sparking my interest. Could I be converting to his radical enviromentalism? He makes it seem so utopian and idealist at the same time. Two forms of thinking I thought I'd never adhere too. Anyways besides from the usual work and play. I went to work this morning really tired. A long 8hr shift never hurt anyone though. I think my boss is finally seeing that I'm taking advantage of her sucky schedules and getting it covered by people from other stores. haha. eat that. But I'm the lowest paid, high value partner to the company so they need me. lol. I do it because I can manipulate my own schedule. And it is working out quite nicely.

So I've just have to keep reminding myself. I've made a horrible lapse in judgement. And I am not ready yet, but am going to be better for it.

too little too late

I kept thinking you know what? I realized I am so completely worth it. I deserve much better. Why do I let people walk all over me? There are these guys who are smart, sexy, and funny....and foreign... and they find ME attractive. And I shoot them down. Why? Because I don't feel a connection. Who knows. I think the reason I still think about Rafael is because I don't completely understand what happened. How he could have...just...lost interest in me? I thought about the park, our first kiss, the crazy times we had getting in trouble, our fights, and our pull throughs, him calling me in mexico, calling him from florida, philosophy class, pismo, san francisco, the entire fucking summer, NWC show, him telling my friends how happy he is, meeting his family, spending time with his friends, going dancing with him....everything... then I think about how he made me believe he wanted me, that he wanted it to work, giving me his schedule, trying to encourage me that even though it'll be hard we can get through it.....and everything just becomes a blur. Where did it go wrong? How can someone just loose interest? I really just don't understand.

I am attractive.
I am sexy.
I am intellegent
I am beautiful.
I am loving.
I am caring.
I am driven.
I am a hard worker.
I am worthy of much more.
I am me.

dry your eyes jenny. you've got to walk away now. it's over. he won't shed a tear for you.

This Too Shall Pass

Oh my deary sean jones is back. What.....is......this.....CRAZYNESS?!?!?!! Many drunken nights with that man

a)Ironic
b)Coincidence
c)funny
d)awesome
e)all of the above

I think the choice is obvious. It's feels nice to have people in my life who are fun, and honest, and loving.

Feeling very good. Unlike the mad crazy emo I was last night. Had to get my frustration out somehow so I texted him. Said everything I needed to say. Now it's time to just forget about it. What a shame, but you don't get everything right sometimes.

I am back. AMTA is back in session bitches!!! And it feels so right. This is what I need. My friends miss me and I feel horrible for neglecting them.

Jenny is full of love, and contentment. She is hurt, but knows that the feeling with soon make sense in her life, and like all troubles..."this too shall pass."

I've been listening to a lot of Flaming Lips, and The Streets. They make me feel realistic, and optomistic.
"And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, realize that life goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. You'll realize it's not the sun going down, it's just an illusion cause by the world spinning round."