They're there for me.

Hm. interesting.
Work as good for me. Even though I broke down in the back room. Felt discarded. Like trash.
I was surrounded by people who respect me, and love me.

I wondered if anything you said was honest. Who was the real you. If I mean anything to you.

This year is going to be good. I know it is. I can feel it.


In other news. My friends are true friends. Always there. Always supportive, and always caring.
Don't know what I'd do.

Woman Like Me

It's too late now. Though we really tried to make it. You've tried and he doesn't want you. Little girl you're worth everything you deserve, and the man who knows that will find you. Don't settle for anything less than what standards you set for yourself. He even knew he never met your standards. This is just a learning experience.

"You hurt me but I learned a lot along the way." It's true. What could I have done? In a way you released me from you and now I am able to get my life back. You think that you were the only one changing? I hope not. Didn't realize that I cut back hours at work not only because of school, but because I wanted time with you? Didn't realize that I spent time with you when I could have been with people who actually loved me, my friends. Didn't realize I quit Mock Trial because I thought it would strain our relationship too much. Didn't realize that? Apparently my efforts are not worth it. I thought you could be a part of my life, when really you never thought I could be a part of yours. I've learned that I should never compromise my goals for anyone. What happened to that purposeful, driven woman? Did she let this guy affect her way of thinking? Yes. It can only go up from here. Someone worth of my time is someone who will encourage me and push me when I second guess my goals. Be who you are, don't be afraid of that.

I find it kind of funny, Kayla finds it endearing that the moment that the fact you broke up with me sank in. The thing that rushed into my mind was mock trial, and my friends. Funny huh? The fact that I subconsciously requested days off from work convienently at the same times of practice? Did I know that this was ineveitable and just prepared myself to come back stronger to my true self? Who knows, I found that interesting. One other thing is that this experience has really made me value the honesty, and necessity of truth in my past relationship with Carlos. I am glad now that I don't have to hide our friendship, and now that he's back I won't be afraid to visit him, and get our group of friends together like the old times.

Stop the next time you meet someone you think you could have something lasting with. Think if you could really feel for a "woman like her." Don't lead her on to try to fit what you think is her ideal man, and don't try to mask yourself, because in then end your true self with override all the lies. You get angry when I tell you these things but it just goes to show how little you've actually learned, and small minded you are. How ironic that you claim to be open minded, and yet you cannot be open minded to the close minded? My parents, tried, even though they knew you weren't the one for me. They were right. The man I want is someone who will fight for me, truly fight, not just put up with the bullshit to have fun sometimes. You try to justify your answers philosophically; try to make it seem as if what you were doing was the courageous, virtuous thing to do. You've succeeded in conviniceing yourself, but anyone else can see that you've just perpetuated your internal circle of skepticism, and confliction. The way you've changed was something you did on your own. I never forced you to think a certain way, or dress a certain way, or act a certain way. All my parents needed was for you to respect their rules, and well if you can't deal with that; if you can't recognize that there will always be hard times, and that it's ok to work them out, then you really arn't ready for a relationship. You said many hurtful things, that were harsh but I asked for it when I decided to fight for whatever it is we had. Made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. I think we both know I am, and the thing is that I am not what you think is good. Whatever you think is your type. But then again who are you to know? To judge me? Either way you won't phase me in being who I am. I deserve much better treatment from a boyfriend, a lover, and friend.

Plato's cave is full of blinded, irrational, selfish people. Once unchained, they've seen what source the images are coming from, they'll demand refunds, no need for explanations just as long as they feel they've been compensated for their blindness. Instead of coming out from the cave, and seeing that there's an incredible, scary, beautiful world beyond the images they were forced to watch on the wall, they'll creep back inside in fear and in a sense chain themeselves. For they let the emotion of fear override any notion of courage and will to face the truth. As crtitical thinkers we're led to suspect the only truth is in uncertainty and similarly uncertainty is rooted in percieved truth. It's just a shame that I didn't let myself see the truth, and what you were from the very beginning, that I let myself get hurt again. This new experience to a different kind of dating opened my eyes. Since we never buil a foundation of friendship there isn't much to fall back on. If we both actually want to be friends, it will take time. Well...I guess we just live and move on.

Maybe someday you'll truly understand the person you are, and what you want in yourself, and others. I think that's the only way you can genuinly be happy. And I hope that for you. I do wish you love, and above all else I wish you to be happy with yourself.

I am happy with the person I am. This is me. As disgustingly cliche as it may sound. I love myself. My family loves me. And my friends love me. That's all I need.

Remember It's All In Your Head

Ahhh....there it is.

That dreaded feeling that he's leaving.


sigh.

will we even have time to talk anymore? much less spend time with each other?

it feels like a long distance relationship......again....

except we go to the same school.

:(

I'm feeling a tad bit hopeless, and helpless. I need something to hold on to. Does he feel it? I don't think he does. He seems so optomisitc, but not realistic.

I don't think I can get by with just talks on the phone....again.
I don't want this to end up being the same as the last....
I need something ... that I'm not sure he can give me.
2hrs. a week is not much of a relationship? or is it? i don't even know
don't know if i can handle it.
As much as I like him. As much as I miss him. I don't really feel that he misses me. Maybe he does but not as much as I miss him. And that hurts. Yeah.


I think I'm gunna quit work.

Boots make a girl Happy

Just do it.

You can do it.


YAY.

yay for school.
yay for boots.
I really like my boots.
I wonder if I can be courageous enough to wear them.

hmm.


urban outfitters is an addictive post epiphany drug.
bad. bad for moneyless jenny.

ok. time to buckle this shit down.

Hell is Other People

I'm finding it hard to let go of mock trial. Well...the people in it. I'm not really letting go of them, it's just that I wont be spending much time with them as I usually would. This would be for my own scholastic benefit, but fuck will I miss them. Not all of them. Just Edgar, Kayla, Jamie, and Chris. Well not Chris cause I'll see him all the time anyways. But I'm sure to miss the rest. They will hang out together without me, and have inside jokes without me, and I am on the outside. I'm sure of it. I wish I hadn't quit. I wish I could have found a way to balance out my life so that I wouldn't have to loose them. But who's to say that I'm loosing them? I just don't want out friendship to fade. I guess that's one of my faults. I feel so vulnerable without my friends. I always feel like I need company. And when I'm alone I feel at stake, and targeted.

Now that I'm going through this whole "coming into my own" , "being myself", "finding my own path" deal, I'm scared as a fuck.

This is life, and these are the decisions you have to make Jenny. Worrying about these decisions is sanity. But being this sane can drive you mad.

what a halarious irony

Semester Woes

I'm excited for finally getting my grades back on track.
Yet, I fear what this semester will do to me and raf.
He gives me hope when he says we'll work through it.
But it scares me that I'll be left alone.
I want so badly to make this work. There's something pulling me to him.
But, I'm afraid of the risks again.
I'm afraid that these feeling may not be reciprocated.
That I may grow to attached.
That he will feel suffocated and want to push away.
That maybe I will grow weak and let him.
I'm afraid that if I do loosen, he may not bother to pull me back in.
Working and School. Quite a schedule, and one that doesn't leave room for much of anything else.

Yet I want it to work. SO bad.

Us, I want the meaning of that word to have wieght. To be. What it can be. Whatever it is.

We'll I guess you'll say, What Can Make Me Feel This Way?

I like leaning on him. Doing crazy thing with him. Being tacky, and wacky and silly with him. I like cheering with him. Eating with him. Drinking with him. I like talking to him, and singing with him, and being stupid with him. I like pretending to be mad at him. I really like it when he leans his head on me.

I like being his girl.

:]

Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

I very much like being with my fella.

I don't know if it's because we see each other every otherday and not everyday, but I miss him when he's not around, and can't wait till the next time I get to hug him again, and kiss him.

This semester is going to be busy. Everytime I have a break he has class, and whenever he has a break I have class. I was able to get every Saturday off from work so that I get at least one "ME" day every week. Then I can catch up on homework, and spend the day with Raf. I really like my boss. She understands.

We're going to the Grizzle's game tonight. :] This feel is very much winning my heart over. I wonder....if he wonders....that I wonder. The other night we were talking about how he like his me time and he said he worries that it would offend me in the future if we moved in together and instead of wanting to cuddle or do something with me he just wanted to read or be by himself in his room. Hell!! I was just happy that he said "if we moved in together". I know I would want my Me time too man. Just cause I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm clingy 24/7! lol.

Anyways I'm going to the baseball game with my babe, and nothing seems better right now.

Oh Orange Monkey, How I Adore you So

well well well....
he may understand me more than i thought.

???????? i'm eating a lollipop that I can't seem to figure out if it's orange or cherry....or punch! strange things are afoot.

Went went bowling the other night with some friends. Chilled at Eddie's apartment. Drank, Ate, Drank...and I felt comfortable with him.

Oh lest I forget. I like his style. Small town innocence, intellectutal love with an urban soul. I very much like the way he looks with a button down collar shirt with the sleeves rolled up. And his pants. :p Yup....he's so very very very very very good lookin.

Went to the st. agnes heritage fair. much delight was had by all. raf won me a retro vested blue stripe tied ornage monkey. We rode the ferris wheel which brought me back memories of that one scene in the Notebook when Noah first saw Ally. Rode the Gravitator. Made me want to throw up. lol Ate a ton of food, and wathed some cool dancing and bands.

My parents looked happy tonight. :]

9 to 10 DriNkS?

I don't think he understands. And we're learning things about each other that we find differences on. He says that he feels as if he easily angers me, and well yeah I guess. Because nothing he says is ever concrete. He fuckin reasons to the point where I don't know what the hell he says is honest or just a statement to apease me or him or the universe. I don't know. I am glad though that I'm learning these things about him ahead of time...so I know what to expect and so that I'm not surprised i nthe future. I know that this is one of the things that we will have a problem being peaceful about. He says that he's the middle ground. I just think he needs to lean the meaning of fucking sacrafice. I don't know if he gets that part. Yes in a relationship there is always compromise but sometimes someone needs to sacrafice something. I wish he could sacrafice drinking. What I wish I could happen for myself is to stop drinking full blown at parties. Only when I'm older, and at home do I wish to drink. I just don't like the person I become, where I loose control of inhibitions, and make alchohol an excuse to be slutty. I don't like to be vulnerable. But, I know that as a young woman in college that is hard. And, I'm open to experiences but I've been through enough to make me realize that it's not the path I want to take. I don't like being drunk, and when I drink I prefer to be responsible about it. He however thinks that that is an extreme to ask of him. So now what? Because we have completely different views on what is safe and what isn't, will he continue to do as he pleases even if it means it upsets me? I don't know. I hope that maybe he will take my feelings into consideration and make a sacrafice. I don't know if he's capable of that. Maybe that is too much of an extremeity for him to meet. But I want somebody who can. This is something I don't want to return to. I don't want anymore phone calls telling me that someone has died of something preventable. I don't want that feeling of uselessness, of being powerless; the feeling that I could have done something to stop someone from dying. It's the worst kind of guilt, and one that I never want to have again. Raf doesn't get that. He doesn't see how powerful it can be. And I hate saying things like this to him cause it makes me feel obnoxious and quasi all knowing. I guess not growing up with alchohol influenced me. And I think in a good way. I never saw the use for it. No dependence on it. It was a social drink, and one to be careful of.- and that is not being a prude, it's being responsible, and being reasonable. It makes me nervous of the other things that we'll disagree on. Will it be to much that it's impossible? At least I'll be able to know whether or not he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We already disagree on marriage. He doesn't believe in it. He'll do it for his mom, but he's rather not. He wants to know that there person who is waking up next to him is there because of him. But I want somebody to love me so much that they want to marry me, and want the world to know, and celebrate it. Who knows. Will he understand that? I think that part of me wishes but knows that he won't be able to feel that way... Unfortunate, and raw. It's life.

Danny Puts Life Into Prespective

Tonight after the softball game me and Raf went to go chill at bonbon's house with the rest of the team. He started to drink and then he said stuff that made me nervous. I don't like how he just lets everything go. And I hate the fact that he is ok with drinking when he's driving me. Even steven and angel said no that ain't cool. hmm... sometimes I just wish he had my best interest in mind when he thinks about drinking. About a month ago he said he wanted to try to cut off his drinking habit. And then tonight I asked him about it and he said "I say mean it when I'm sober." I mean what the hell? And he always says he's going to be OK, and fuck for christs sake Raf that what Danny always said before he was so drunk he jumped out of a two story building and then drank himself to a bloody stupor for two days straight before dying of alchohol poisoning. I'll be fuckin damned if that happens again for someone I care about. If this continues I don't know what I can do. If he doesn't respect how I feel, and take me into consideration everytime he drinks and drives, I don't know if I can handle it. If he pushes it to the point of irresponsibility and I can't stop him, or if I'm not reason enough to stop. I won't take it, and I will just walk away. But, I have to remember this. It hasn't reached that point, but if it does that's the line that I won't cross.

The Ethical Slut

It's official pap smears rank up there amoungst the uncomforatble moments right next to having your mom or pops walk in while your and your bf/gf are doing "stuff", and being asked to come over to see Jesse's apartment after work. Let me clarify. Jesse is a regular at my store. He comes in every, single morning, sometimes at the most busiest time of the morning, to get his cup of death. We nicknamed it the suicide. The drink is fuckin legendary and Jesse is a fuckin legend. It's a pump of every syrup we have (sometimes more), 3 packets of raw sugar, and 8 shots of espresso with whip. Nasty. When you drink a taste of it, you will gag and feel like your stomach acid has actually met it's match. And Jesse, he's a short, staunchy fella, who is mentally handicapped and about 38-40yrs of age, if I would take a gander. So you can see why it's be a bit uncomfortable if he asked you (a 19 yr old) to come over to his apartment after you got off from work.... eek.

Anyways I had my first pap today. It was different. Nothing nice about it. My Gyno is pretty nice but it was still wierd to have my legs sprawlled out with my Va-j-j just chillen while she lubed up at proceeded to stick that dreaded labia seperator and that trident looking like thing in me. Then the HPV exam was just straight up violating. I felt like Peter Griffen when he got his prostate exam. She just pushed and felt me right up, and I just squeezed my eyes shut and grinded my teeth hoping for her to finish soon. What took minutes felt like an hour. But I guess I'm just a prude. The only person I want feeling me up down there is my boyfriend.

Last night I went to Shelby's going away dinner with some coworkers and Raf. Yoshino's is scrumpdiddilyumptious, and Raf looked sexy. Even though he wore a metro sexual shirt I still thought he looked spankin. :P Anyways, after dinner we went to Borders and strolled through the asiles until we came to the sex section. That was fun, reading this book BLOW HIM away. Very interesting. lol. I thought it was funny that it was next to the self help section, and I laughed when I saw the book "How to Save Your Marriage" right next to "The Ethical Slut" and "How to Dommineer". Yes America, this is it. We solve your problems with SEX. Meh..I have no comment.

Que Sera Sera Whatever Will Be Will Be

His kisses feel so much more than an act of desire or sexuality...it's like for that moment I really get to touch him, his being, and I'm given a sliver of hope that he will someday...maybe...want to love me.

When we're naked it doesn't even matter, I'm comfortable, and warm. It's beyond sexual.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling that my chest has been really sore. I didn't know what it was. When I did my monthly self breast exam last Wednesday I found a bump in my left breast almost into my armpit. Luckily my Doctor is new to town so she doesn't have many patients yet so I was able to schedule an emergency breast exam, bloodtest, and mammogram. She found 3 bumps; two in my left and one in my right. I get the results tomorrow afternoon, and lately I've been pretty nonchalant about the entire thing. I've only told Raf and my Mom. My Dad thinks I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow for just a pap smear. But it'll be a whole lot more. I didn't want to worry him. He has a tendency to over worry. Especially with medical things because he's had a history of tumors in his family. My Mom had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and plus she always reminds me to do a self check every month. I always jump to the worst conclusions but this time I've decided to just let the chips fall where they may. There's nothing I can do until I know, and there's no point in worrying about something not confirmed yet. For the past week I've been fine, and everything feels just the same. I still don't eat well, and I don't exercise, and I work a lot and am stressed quite often. It could be a whole number of other things. We will just have to see tomorrow....

Patience is a Virtue; and Life is a Waiting Game

I think I should really start to follow through on my quasi-life-philosophy of being simple. It's helped in the past. I've started to not drink as much at work, which has helped me looses weight. And I've cut down on the amount of alchohol I drink so yeah. All I need to work on is my diet and exercise. Ew...dreaded words eh? fuck it. I'm trying it...maybe. lol

Yesterday I watched Michael Moore's movie SICKO with my father. Both my parents are in the medical field, and after watching that I still can't stand how they can be happy working in such a flawed and unfair system. No reform, no compensation, no care for the sick, the poor- nothing? I'd rather live in France or Britain, or even Cuba! Or I could just move back to Canada, at least I'd know I'm not going to get screwed over if me or my family get's ill, or goes to college.

After the fight with Rafael I feel much closer to him spiritually, emotionally, physically. But, I know already know that my faith and trust i him has faltered. I don't know if he will do the same thing to me if we have another fight. And I'm sure we will. I'm just being realistic not pessemistic. He ignored me, was rude to me, and it made me feel worthless and insignificant. I know now that he knows that it's possible to have a fight that's good for your relationship. But, I don't know if he has built up the trust in himself to pull through more fights. I don't know if he will think that it's not worth fighting for and just quit me and leave. I don't know? I wish I could have more confidence, but for now all the confidence I have is in what I know. I know that he is good for me, and I am good for him. No matter how different he thinks we are, and how many problems we have. For some reason I think we both need to experience this relationship. For different reasons.

I wish I could teach him to trust more than himself, and that while you practice caution in relationships, caustion musn't hinder your ability to take risks and and get hurt once in a while. Cause we don't want to die without any scars. It's the only way we learn.
For me, I want him because he keeps teaching me new things about myself, and about him everyday. This mature relationship is something we've both never experience and I need to experience this with someone who is as doubtful (if not more), and as cautious, and inspired as I. I want to know that I have affected his life for the better; and I want him to know that he's affected my life for the better. Whether or not he chooses to stay with me or not. In the end I think it will be his decision. I don't know how committed he is to me, and because of that I to him. Right now things are good. How far it will go? I don't know. Time will only tell. All I do now is live, and wait.

Old Town Reminds us of How We Got Here

I think sometimes we all have the moment where we look at ourselves from a distant and breakdown. For him it was while we argued and fought in that little park in Old Town. Underneath the gazebo, while little children and their dogs played amoungst the the trees and swings. It was a tiny tic tac sized unrelated problem which almost cost us our entire relationship. And yet. When all was said and the cussing had passed, and the anger subsided, I made him see that I wanted him. That I believed and genuinly cared for him. I wanted to give him a reason to make it through this. I see his spirit, and how easily it's broken. He sees it too. I just need to let him see that I'm ok to let into his life. That it's ok to need somebody. That having someone who is able to give you things that you can't give yourself is ok. It's fighting, it's yelling filled with hate, and anger, and philosophical discussions of our self. We made it through. When he began to think back to how is life was before us. He finally saw what I've been seeing all along. That this was good for us. And it's ok to have fights, and it's ok to be mad at the one you care about, and it's ok to make up, and have a plan to be better. He wonders why I care for him.It's because we as human beings, filled with sensibility and reason, and raw emotion, are drawn to each other. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if I had broken up with him, or if I let him walk away. That's why I never gave him that option. I could tell he wanted too. That he felt that it could have been easier at the moment to let our emotions get the best of us and just leave. But after that then what? Would we have really been happier apart? Would we be satisfied. I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to give up. I wasn't ready to part from him. I just had to make him feel ok with feeling the same thing. I knew it was in there. Somewhere...

Charity Words

...well ain't that a damn fuckin crying shame?That people lie when they say "i hate being the one too make you cry" . The truth is they DON'T FUCKIN CARE. Why? Because we are ALL selfish human beings. We only think of our own comfort, and what would make us happy. That's all. It could be argued that even charity is selfish. That we do it because it makes us feel good about ourselves, not because it's a noble thing to do. Fucking Charity. Those love professing, heart wrenching, tear jerking statements are nothing but Charity words. That's all those damn pseudo euphemisms are. "I never want to hurt you." "I never want to make your cry" "I never want to cheat on you" They never think of those statements when they actually do hurt you or make you cry. It cuts deep doesn't it? Well man the fuck up and get over it!Fucking Charity Words.We say it because it makes us feel better about our selfish selves. There really is no such thing as a selfless human being. In the end, we all just want to protect our own asses from whatever ominpotent, virtuous, Divine, or Undivine. And after it's all said and done, we feel acomplished. And we have every right to back track in our statements because hey! they were never really truthful now were they? And we say "I never want.." or "I hate.." or "I don't want.." so that in the very likely chance that we do whatever we say that we never wanted to do. We can protect ourselves by saying, "Hey, I never said I promised not to blah blah blah."To sum up that very angry rant is this. Why do we always think of our actions, and words as a means to an end? We say things so that we can end whatever unhappy feelings, or so we can stop an uncomfortabe situation, etc. There would be a lot less hurt in the world, if peope hmm...I don't know. Were true to their word...or maybe practiced fuckin chivalry instead of cowardice.

Because Jack Johnson couldn't have written a better song

mood: inspiredHe pretty much makes me believe in possibilities.It's been a long time since I can honestly, truly say this...but I am happy. I am happy with my life and all it's imperfections and little perfections. I look forward to this new direction in life, and for once I am optomistic and confident in the choices I am making.My parents and I have come to an understanding. We actually have converstations, and we treat each other with more respect. My brother and I have gotten closer, and he's also becomed very accustomed to my boyfriend. In fact I can honestly say that my brother actually likes him, and that is rare for him to like anyone in my life. He's very picky. And...I am pleased to know that maybe someday I will be an aunt. Much to my surprise I have found out that he does actually date. lol The friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin are still there. Amazing, beautiful- I am lucky.Lucky enough to realize who were never really my true friends. I am okay with that.Lucky enough to live for my future, and not for my past. Because sometimes you love, and then you loose, and then you learn. And that's okay.Lucky enough to learn to trust again; to let myself open up to someone new; to date; to be crazy; to get caught; get in trouble; to fight and learn to work through it and not sweep it under the rug; to feel a connection; to have self repect; to be respected; to want someone so bad it hurts to be apart from them; to feel wanted for once; to learn to be comfortable in my body; to fight for something good; to have a healthy, mature relationship; to still be silly; to have intellectual converstations; to have someone to travel with; someone to kiss me; someone to call at the end of the day; someone to care for; someone to lagh with, and be stupid, and have fun with.I'm very lucky to have met him.

Heart____?

Current mood: crushed

heartbreak: (def) for me it feels like your chest cavity is imploding. you're lungs are still expanding and you're still alive. but the place where your innermost feelings and emotions dwell are targeted and it feels as if you are being frozen and shattered alive from the inside out.
(syn): pain

(ant): that feeling you get in between the area where your ribs meet at the center of your body. it's not superficial it lies physically deep within your gut. as if for a split moment in that area there was an expansion of light and your heart exeriences a wink of nirvana.He says it. and he takes it back. accuses me of lying. Says he wants me to be here and then pushes me away. Everytime he does this I pull back as much as I can. because i want him. and i want this. i want what we have. I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know if I can give whatever it is. I'm trying so damn fuckin hard. But everytime I think we are ok and we're there for each other he finds something to throw back at me. As if I meant for him to get hurt. He says that I will hurt him. but i don't want to. you can never promise not to hurt someone. But I can promise not to lie. I have fears. I have things that I don't say but instead choose to put my trust in him. I fear that he won't be able to come to me with any of our problems. that he will always go to his xanga, or go to Miriam to make him feel better. I feel he trusts her more than me. and I understand that but it still hurts. It still hurts to think that he feels as if I would hurt him like Evelyn did. I'm afraid that everytime he drinks he will second guess what we have. I'm afraid that he will never learn to trust me. I'm afraid that he'll always think that I'm going to hurt him on purpose. It hurts me more to know that he thinks I would do that. I'm afraid that he will run away from imperfection.I hate being compared. It makes me feel like I'm "just another girl". I feel so untrustworthy. So inadequate. Like I don't deserve his trust, and that's why he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now. I don't know what I do, but somehow I manage to crack a shell that I've never even touched.I want this to be genuine. From both sides. I want this to work. I want this to be honest.He has to be honest with himself. Before he can be honest with me.He has to trust himself. Before he can learn to trust me.Until then I just don't know what to do. I can only be here. And wait. Waiting is the hardest part