Heart____?

Current mood: crushed

heartbreak: (def) for me it feels like your chest cavity is imploding. you're lungs are still expanding and you're still alive. but the place where your innermost feelings and emotions dwell are targeted and it feels as if you are being frozen and shattered alive from the inside out.
(syn): pain

(ant): that feeling you get in between the area where your ribs meet at the center of your body. it's not superficial it lies physically deep within your gut. as if for a split moment in that area there was an expansion of light and your heart exeriences a wink of nirvana.He says it. and he takes it back. accuses me of lying. Says he wants me to be here and then pushes me away. Everytime he does this I pull back as much as I can. because i want him. and i want this. i want what we have. I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know if I can give whatever it is. I'm trying so damn fuckin hard. But everytime I think we are ok and we're there for each other he finds something to throw back at me. As if I meant for him to get hurt. He says that I will hurt him. but i don't want to. you can never promise not to hurt someone. But I can promise not to lie. I have fears. I have things that I don't say but instead choose to put my trust in him. I fear that he won't be able to come to me with any of our problems. that he will always go to his xanga, or go to Miriam to make him feel better. I feel he trusts her more than me. and I understand that but it still hurts. It still hurts to think that he feels as if I would hurt him like Evelyn did. I'm afraid that everytime he drinks he will second guess what we have. I'm afraid that he will never learn to trust me. I'm afraid that he'll always think that I'm going to hurt him on purpose. It hurts me more to know that he thinks I would do that. I'm afraid that he will run away from imperfection.I hate being compared. It makes me feel like I'm "just another girl". I feel so untrustworthy. So inadequate. Like I don't deserve his trust, and that's why he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now. I don't know what I do, but somehow I manage to crack a shell that I've never even touched.I want this to be genuine. From both sides. I want this to work. I want this to be honest.He has to be honest with himself. Before he can be honest with me.He has to trust himself. Before he can learn to trust me.Until then I just don't know what to do. I can only be here. And wait. Waiting is the hardest part