goals.

1 mile- under 10min warm up

super set: [100 crunches, 25 pushups]x4

total:
500- crunches
100- push ups

2 miles- under 15 cardio

climb- everyday. rest day- sunday

FOOL'S COMP- April 4th.

It must be a Thursday

...reading the works of Douglas Adams. the man is funny


as well as Upton Sinclair's Millenium

I've got a nice weekend ahead of me

no bueno

I am very distraught.
and upset.
and I feel disrespected.
so close to throwing in the towel.
what's the use when there not even a hint of communication.

vodka makes me emo,

I think Carlos is the only one of my ex-boyfriends that I like seeing succeed, and be happy. Maybe that's because he's the only that I loved, and never treated me like dirt. I hate having these sudden urges to check in on their lives and take a gander at what they're up to these days. Bryce I couldn't care for really. We were never serious, and the only thing I remember from him is being bitten on my first kiss. No bueno. Ramiro was a D-bag. Emotionally cheated on my, overall was not a smart decision. He hurt me, and I knew he would. Cameron, was never a relationship. It was stupid, mistake that thankfully didn't result in me loosing my virginity in his truck. Rafael was... exactly that. I really don't know. Mainly because he dumped me, with no explanation. I think after the break up with Carlos, that was the one that hurt the most. I had opened myself, my life, my family up to someone. I let myself develop feelings for this person who I thought felt the same only to find out that overnight, that feeling dissipates. I was 19, I wasn't looking for marriage, just a guy that wouldn't be a total asshole. Why am I rambling? I drank too much tonight. Chris the bartender made me my usual appletini, and then gave me this thing called a scoobysnack and the rest is history. I had walked away from all the pain of those past relationships. I don't understand why I have to be such a girl and remember them. I wish I could erase them from my mind. It hurts to think about them, and I hate seeing them around campus, and seeing them happy. I wish I could warn the girls they're with to run and never look back because that is exactly what they'll do to you in the end.

Nights like these I wish Tony was here. He's going through such a rough time with his family and he needs space. I understand that. He makes me feel like not every guy in the world is going treat me like shit, and makes me believe in that "L" word again. No not Lesbian, L-O...Let's not jinx it. haha...Speaking of lezies, one was totally rubbing up against Edgar tonight. It was funny. Me and Kayleigh watched and laughed because she was so drunk. Every time she'd sit back down she'd fall asleep. Speaking of sleep. I'm out.

Henry Madden Library

I'm sitting in Starbucks in our library. Yes Fresno State's massive library has a Starbucks. So dumb. Convenient, annoying. Aesthetically, it's ugly. It creates even more disharmony on campus. For being architecturally based on the Native Basket Weavers, it sure looks like a whole lot of cement, superfluous glass and L.E.D walls. I mean really? Is that necessary? We waited 4 years for this? Not impressed. Unfortunately, us students are in dire need of a library so this is what we get.

oK SO, I've been trying to do anything to stay focused, well maybe not ANYTHING but some things to focus on my studies. But it's not helping. I keep thinking about climbing, and my comp this saturday, and Tony. I'm so worried about him. I fear he's the kinda of guy who doesn't know how to express himself when he's sad or hurting and that may be a problem when you have 2 uncles pass a way within a week of each other.

So, sitting here thinking about climbing, agonizing over my frustrations of recovering from my second sprained ankle, people watching, invading their privacy from the comfort of my bay windows in Starbucks, I saw a blind man. It got me thinking how useless I, myself would be if I didn't have my sight. I wouldn't be able to climb, to ride, to drive. I have so much respect for the blind, who live their lives fully, as if they had no disability. I feel like I should write more about this. What would I do If I couldn't climb? I'd be severely depressed.

say hello

pretty sure this delightful duo has revived my love for all things sufjian

loneliness is just a crime

I should not be blogging about feelings.

sometimes i wish i could read minds.

Letting go of the past is something I've always had a hard time doing. Whenever I feel unsure or insecure about something or someone, I always have this habit of trying to find something or someone I feel sure of, or feel secure with. I sublimate my fears with the familiar. It's hard, especially when you have good memories you can easily revert back to.

I don't like putting myself out there. With friendships, and relationships. I'm a hypocrite. I'll tell you to go for it, to let yourself go, and be open, honest and vulnerable to someone. But, I myself, refuse to do it. I'll put my toe in, and immediately take it out the moment I get scared. And right now, I am mortified. I'm frustrated that I don't know what the hell is running through your mind. One moment you adore me, mr. wonderful, mr. loves planning for the future. The next, you're almost impossible to reach, and contact is cold. I don't know if you're playing games or you just need space or just need time to yourself but you make me want to run away.

I'm trying to be open and honest but it's hard to be there for someone who won't let you. Who has no time for you.

jesus....i sound like an after school special. one of those wretched needy girlfriends. somebody stop me already. he's going through a rough time, why can't i just sit still? fucking trust issues.


song of the day: beautiful mess by mr. mraz.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.