this morning i went downstairs to have breakfast with my parents. and as i'm walking down the stairs i see my mom sitting on the couch. she tells me she has a heart problem. and i get really confused. says that she went to the doctor because she had chest pains. the did some ekg or something and saw that she has an enlarged left ventrical in her heart. i have no idea what that means or implies but i know it's not good. so they tested her heart. made her do the treadmill stuff and all that. and it's bad. they put her on meds. my parents aren't being very specific about it, and that worries me. i knew something was up when the other day my mom told my dad to go get her prescription at the drug store, and they never said what it was for. after my mom told me i tried not to cry. but i couldn't help it. so i went toeh refrigerator and pretended like i was just looking for food. luckily i had my hoodie up so they really coudn't see my face. my mom started scaring me when she said that either me or my dad had to be there when she went swimming just in case somethin would happen. then she tried to crack a joke saying that she might end up like my jazz teacher who died of a heart attack fell into a pool and drowned. first Mr. Shaghoian, then Dr. Wallace and no my own mother. I don't know if I can handle this.
i don't know if i'm that strong
but until i find out
i'll be waking up everyday afraid that it's the last day i have with my mom.
afraid that she might have a heart attack
or congestive heart fauilure
or the day that her doctor tells her she needs heart surgery
i feel so selfish
and i can't even stop from crying.
even now
it scares me so much that i loose my breath and i start hyperventalating.
why my mother?
