I should not be blogging about feelings.

sometimes i wish i could read minds.

Letting go of the past is something I've always had a hard time doing. Whenever I feel unsure or insecure about something or someone, I always have this habit of trying to find something or someone I feel sure of, or feel secure with. I sublimate my fears with the familiar. It's hard, especially when you have good memories you can easily revert back to.

I don't like putting myself out there. With friendships, and relationships. I'm a hypocrite. I'll tell you to go for it, to let yourself go, and be open, honest and vulnerable to someone. But, I myself, refuse to do it. I'll put my toe in, and immediately take it out the moment I get scared. And right now, I am mortified. I'm frustrated that I don't know what the hell is running through your mind. One moment you adore me, mr. wonderful, mr. loves planning for the future. The next, you're almost impossible to reach, and contact is cold. I don't know if you're playing games or you just need space or just need time to yourself but you make me want to run away.

I'm trying to be open and honest but it's hard to be there for someone who won't let you. Who has no time for you.

jesus....i sound like an after school special. one of those wretched needy girlfriends. somebody stop me already. he's going through a rough time, why can't i just sit still? fucking trust issues.


song of the day: beautiful mess by mr. mraz.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.