I felt like an idiot. Foolish. Blind. What makes me cry is when I see something familiar of the past months and I remember how it was with him. I get sad that it couldn't be that way anymore. Because I was at first something he liked, and after a while it was just a chore to him. I was a chore. I never thought of myself as high matienance but I guess I was? I never asked him to ask me for permission to go out with his friends but he did anyways. I guess that's what he thought I wanted? I don't know. Lies about marriage, and kids. Conversations I never wanted to have yet, were fake anyways. Can't say I'm surprised, I called him out on that when we had that conversation. Don't know why it feels like he's blaming me for that. He writes in his xanga, reminiscent of the past blogs from a year ago. He wrote a blog saying that he was thinking of breaking up with me, I was chore, all this stuff right before school started. Before he told me that we would make it work, that he would pick me up from school (which he volunteered I never asked him), that we would study together. I don't know what that was. Was he trying to salvage our relationship? Or was he just lying to me? Or both? Whatever it was it felt like punch in the neck when I read it. I am emotional. This is me. I want a man. A man that doesn't feel like spending time with me is a chore.
Eugey just left. Came over because I called him all in a mess. We talked of raf and carlos and family and eddie. Realized that this is who Rafael is. I don't fit into his world. I was just a stepping stone, a hurdle in life. Something he had to experience to realize that this relationship thing was something he definitely didn't want, or couldn't handle. Everyone is just as shocked. Nobody understands. But who can? I don't think Rafael even understands fully. But he knows how he feels even if he's unaware of how he came to that conclusion. He told me I deserve better, that I am beautiful, that he is the one that doesn't desreve me and most importantly that I am not worthless. I swear, if Eugey wasn't gay I would seriously have his babies. lol. Hey!!....Will and Grace did it...lol. Things are making sense, in a wierd way. I am slowly getting over this feeling of hurt. Realizing that you can't blame someone for being who they are. But you do have the right to be hurt, and cry, and get angry, and express all the emotions you feel towards that person. I was a chore to him. He is wrong though. I'm not a chore. The person who deserves me, won't see me as an obligation. I never put a gun to anyone's head and said "DATE ME DAMMIT!" lol. So I really don't see any logic in paralleling me to an obligation. I mean if I don't want to do my laundry I won't and I'll walk around the house in my underwear! No.....seriously. But he's going back to his old ways, and I think that's where he wants to be. He wants be single, have no ties, drink till he looses control, be with other girls when and where he wants. He has every right. He's young, and he deserves to live. But I.....I don't deserve to be tossed away and lied too. And I've learned my lesson. I saw the signs. And from now on I'm going to go with my gut. See....I felt like an idiot. But now, I feel blessed. To have friends that will come over in the middle of the night to talk, who love me, and actually know me. I feel lucky now that I am not so blinded anymore.
Tomorrow will be a better day. :) Work at the bux, Exercise with eugey, and then coffee with Carlos!!!!! yay!!!!! He is interested to hear what happened. lol. I think it will be kinda surreal to talk to my exboyfriend about my exboyfriend. I think that's what made me realize that I am worth it. That I am deserving of love and affection. Because in the past Carlos did. And he respected my parents, and was not embaraced to show his love for me. I guess I did in a way lie to Raf about that. I wrote this blog on myspace and set it to private, and I deleted it. It was only visible my preferred list and I think at the time Raf wasn't on there. It was at the beginning of me and raf's relationship. Pretty much asking Carlos to tell me not to do this if it will close the door on our future. But I knew he wouldn't respond because he never goes on myspace. We broke up because of distance yes. And to see what was out there. I've seen what was out there....and it bit me in the fucking ass. lol I am smiling now and it feels good too. Things make sense. Rafael couldn't trust whatever feelings he had for me. And that's ok. But, I want and need someone who can. I don't need that person now. But at least I know what I n eed. And what I don't.I know now that some guys just don't.And some guys do. And those guys are the ones that will want to because of you.Not because they "have" to.This is who he is. Don't know if he is meant to ever be in a relationship. I sincerly wish he could feel what it's like to be with someone honestly, and whole heartedly, who feels like your missing peice. I'm sure in time, he will want that, but for now I don't think that's what he can handle. But me, I know what I need.
And, on that note..... I wish him love.
No comments:
Post a Comment