Christ Lives In Me

I've debated for a while as to how to start off this entry, so I'm just going jump right in and say it.

I'VE GOT GOD IN MY LIFE! JESUS IS MY SAVIOR AND I AM FOREVER HIS BECAUSE HE HAS RANSOMED ME.

12.6.12 was the night. I never believed in spiritual or religious epiphanies but when God takes a hold of you, you don't have any choice but to let it all go, and let him take control of it all. For so long I've tried to run away from God. I was so incredible angry with Christians and the Church, and so ashamed of my own shortcomings, and sins. I said to myself, "how can there be a righteous God, if he created such a person as myself?" I was wondering how a loving, and kind God that these Christians so believed in, could create such a being that could hurt those who loved her so much. How could the God of these Christians, allow such hate towards homosexuals? How could he allow genocide? Rape? Hitler? The list was endless. Nothing about God made sense to me, it didn't follow MY rationale. I started college, cheated then broke up with my high school boyfriend, smoked a lot of pot, drank an excessive amount alcohol, and then started having sex. I surrounded myself with those like me, or those I wanted to be around. I got myself into terrible situations. I made terrible choices in friends. I questioned everything about my life, and about others (majored in Philosophy, go figure!). Then I got into politics and said hey why not major in political science too?! My life was what I wanted it to be and I was content. But, I think part of me knew I wasn't even content, I was empty. I was lost, and I was void from the inside, out. I was existing and nothing more. My whole life was just getting by, just making it through college, working to get the good job. I thought that if I graduated with perfect grades, went to law school, and made lots of money I would be happy. So, I overloaded myself in classes, and extracurricular activities. Which is why I smoked so much. I found my stress reliever in drugs, alcohol, and sexual exploration. I was looking for something to fill that emptiness inside of me. Ultimately, only God could fill it.

 I can actually trace all my doubts back to high school; when I moved to California. Which is part of the reason why I didn't just delete this blog and start a new one. I kept my old entries from years ago so I could remember and see the path I was on; how far I've come in terms of maturity, and how God worked in my life. He put me through all those hardships, all the hurt and the loss, and when I ran away and denounced Him, he still loved me and still welcomed me back and blessed me with more than I could have ever imagined. 

These past several years, and recently He has been placing Christians in my life, for reasons only He could see.  Now when I look back, it was so evident. Nothing like this happens by chance. Ben came into my life 2.5 years ago. The way he led his life was his testimony. He opened my heart and made me yearn for God and yearn to know Him more. Ben never preached to me, nor did he ever force me to church or read the bible with me. He just loved on me unconditionally and faithfully. During the lowest point of our relationship, I again was questioning my love for Ben, and Ben's love for me, and whether or not we were meant to be together. As I usually do, I began my routine of self-sabotage. I began entertaining the idea of being with someone else, and I'm afraid to say but if I was put in that wrong circumstance I may have gone down that path again, of cheating. I opened my heart to another man by talking to him about my personal problems, and he took advantage of it. But, something in my heart made me think first and told me to keep working on my relationship with Ben. Something told me to give it one last go. So I gave in and worked on our relationship one last time, instead of giving up. Things were going well, we were starting to communicate better, and loving on each other the way the other needed. A random night we went out to a local bar with a friend and afterwards I felt the need to confess to Ben. I confessed to Ben of my cheating heart, how I was thinking of how my life would be like with another man, and how I was already ready to check out of the relationship.  He reacted in a way unbeknownst to me- with delight. He was happy that I was finally trusting him, and being forthcoming with my feelings. I couldn't grasp how something that would otherwise be so hurtful, bring joy to him. He loved me, regardless of my circumstance, of my sinful nature and my sinful habits, and it took Ben's love to make me see what God was trying to tell me all along- I am the daughter of the King, and no matter how far I stray, no matter where I am, or what I've done God is always there, and He always loves me.  God was using Ben as a tool to bring me back to his Kingdom! It's so amazing that He can use ANYONE HE WANTS. We may not even know it.

That night in the parking lot of a bar I broke down in tears, and for the first time Ben and I prayed together. I felt like I was begging for Christ to come into my life. Silly me, he was already there! God already knew what I needed and even though I didn't have the words or courage to ask he told Ben to ask me if I wanted to pray. I didn't know how to pray, I didn't know how to start so Ben helped me. I was now asking to have a relationship with Him.

Words cannot describe what awesome things God has done in my life since that night. My view on life has changed drastically. Kindness is not a chore (not like it used to be when I would go to work!). Loving on my family and my friends is something I yearn for. I thank God everyday for giving me such steadfast and loving parents and for giving me friends like Lexie, Jean-luke, Darryl, Robin, Alicia, Tim, and Taylor in my life. Happiness comes easily, and my strength to face hardships is always found. My relationship with Ben is first and foremost founded in God and not in our human desires. I love that we are working everyday to honor him with our relationship and love the way Jesus loved. I am fully invested in following God's word, and am hoping my testimony can help others as well. How blessed am I? He welcomed me back with open arms after years and years of betraying Him, denouncing His existence, and hating Him. After all my sins, and all the pain and hurt I caused my family and loved ones; he forgave me. He took me back. He died for my sins. He ransomed me! I am the prodigal daughter. But, I am forever now the daughter of the KING!

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!