Nobody said that the walk would be easy. I still expected it though, foolishly as I usually do with all my new encounters and experiences that are at first glorious bouts of happiness and joyful tears. My life has been changed, I am saved through Christ. Now it is my turn to love God with my whole heart, and have my life be an example that glorifies Him. I just want everything I am to be a testament of His love for us. My desire for that will probably never come to fruition as I am a natural sinner. I will fall into temptation. I will fall short. I can try right? I should still try. Here comes the dilemma...
My past is now catching up to me. Trying to stay true to my convictions as a follower of Christ, learning what it actually means to be a follower of Christ, and now having to deal with the repercussions of my past idols: spiritual freedom, equality, the "Right to choose", gay rights, science, sex, drugs, work, school. Oh! The list is dreadfully endless. All those things I upheld with the greatest importance in the past are in complete dissonance to what matters most to me now- God.
But, I'm just trying to avoid the whole point of me writing this- to somehow make sense of what I'm so afraid of.
In part, I would be lying to you (distant reader), if I said that this subject I intend to share with you has been troubling me for quite some time. Truthfully, only recently has this subject been brought to the forefront of my heart. Very recently, in fact. Partially because I'm so afraid of confronting it that I have put other subjects and problems ahead in order to delay the realization that I must face this. So it's been brewing, and here it is:
One of my closest friends, Eugene is gay man. A few months ago he became engaged to his boyfriend of several years and they asked me to be a part of his wedding party.`I've known Eugene since high school. During our college years we were attached at the hip. Inseparable. I was there when he came out as an openly gay man. He was there for me through all my ups and downs. I've been with him on his journey for so long. And now, it's all about to change. I cannot support his homosexuality and at the same time call myself a follower of Christ. Being a part of his wedding to another man is showing my support for gay marriage.
I just can't do it.
My internal conflict with dealing with this issue is due to my fear of finally realizing my hypocrisy. I am a hypocrite. I love Eugene. He is my brother. I supported him in the past because I love him. Now, I am realizing that it is because I love him that I cannot support his lifestyle anymore. I will never been one of those self proclaimed Christians who protest around college campuses holding signs and yelling phrases of "God Hates Fags". That is not living Christ-like. I would never hate any of my gay friends. I couldn't. But, I can't support them. I can't support them because their relationship does not glorify God. Don't get me wrong, I am far from perfect in that realm, but I am trying my damn hardest to try and build my relationship with Ben in a manner that God wanted. I am not judging homosexuals, it is not my job. My only job is to love God, and to love on others regardless of their sexual orientation, race, background and spread the Gospel.
Being honest with Eugene now, and in the grand scheme of things, all my gay friends, is going to be tough. It's going to flat out suck. I am so afraid of loosing their friendships. I don't want too to loose their friendships. It's going to hurt and naturally I'm going to run from things that hurt me. (I have very sensitive pain receptors haha... ok bad joke). Even greater than the fear of loosing friendships, is my fear of loosing the pathway to tell them about God and in consequence the pathway to their Salvation as well. I don't want to be just another statistic to them; telling them that God hates them because of the way they live. I don't want to turn my back on them. God didn't turn his back on me when I resisted His love, so why would I do that to my brothers and sisters?
My current big ass horse pill that I'm trying to swallow is just getting over my fear of loosing friendships. I know what I said and valiantly supported in the past contradicts who I am now. I accept that I was lost. I accept my hypocrisy. Now, I have to put God first. My relationship with him, and my life being a testament to His love far exceeds a million fold my worldly relationships. If I loose some, I loose some. But, I still need to try and love on the lost regardless. If nobody showed me love, in my darkest and most despicable hour, I would have never come to know Christ.
I can run away from my problems so easily. It's my walk of faith that gets harder.
No comments:
Post a Comment