mental slavery

i've been climbing a lot lately. i shouldn't be up but i am. i had two trials today and two more tomorrow. it should be ..sucky. not because i don't like it but because i am bored with my team. some of the new people and old people, get on my nerves. and as a great friend once said i am drowning in a sea of your inadequacies. she's a bitch and i love it. she's honest and brutal and shrewd but she's herself ya dig?

i'm babbling. i'm planning another excursion do some much needed bouldering in tollhouse. it's closer and i don't have to drive 3 hours to yosemite and i don't have to drive to the rock gym to get eye raped by dirty rock gym rats at yos fit. i'm getting stronger. my finger strength and balance is improving. rawWwwrr!! i love feeling healthy. being able to run for miles without stopping to catch my damn breath is incredible. i though of doin a marathon but why? i think that if i had some goal defined i would be less likely to reach it. i know it's a bit antithetical but i'm like that.

my parents don't know how they feel about me leaving overseas. i am training to climb mt. kilomanjaro next summer and then perhaps travel to tibet or even go home to the philippines. i decided on kilmanjaro after speaking with a geologist who actually attempted Denali, which was my first choice. Denali is the highest point in the western hemisphere. It's fucking deadly so I decided that Kilo would be better. Plus, I get to go on a cool safari after the week long climb! i've always wanted to see a pride rock and rafiki! oh gosh i'm such a nerd. I think it would be incredible if i had enough time to work out some boulder problems. i'm pretty sure chris sharma layed some out. he is my inspiration! i've been watching him more closely. my proffessor want me to be his climbing partner. he's so cool. but it got wierd when he told me to call him "andy". i said i'd try but after years of calling him "dr. fiala" it's strange to transition to a first name basis.

I did some sketches today. I perfected my design! I'm getting a tattoo. YUMA. or SAN. in Kanji. i love it. i can't wait.

life is intense. waiting for my LSAT scores. i can' t believe how fast this "undergrad" has flown by

vcity

It's made me more in tune to my own selfish and materialist tendencies. I am truly in complete and utter adorement of bc fashion. Sitting far from the tourist traps of waterfront, and gastown, i am in a cafe in commercial people watching the city's locals. Effortless, carefree, uniquely ununique is something quiet distant from the valley girl californian. I hate these labels yet I am drawn to this kind of town. I think I may question whether or not I can stay in california post law school. A JD is not available in here although, i believe an equivalent LLC may be. I am not sure. Hopes I can assimilate the two needs and perhaps find myself in a city such as this. If i am so lucky.

dying from a big heart?

this morning i went downstairs to have breakfast with my parents. and as i'm walking down the stairs i see my mom sitting on the couch. she tells me she has a heart problem. and i get really confused. says that she went to the doctor because she had chest pains. the did some ekg or something and saw that she has an enlarged left ventrical in her heart. i have no idea what that means or implies but i know it's not good. so they tested her heart. made her do the treadmill stuff and all that. and it's bad. they put her on meds. my parents aren't being very specific about it, and that worries me. i knew something was up when the other day my mom told my dad to go get her prescription at the drug store, and they never said what it was for. after my mom told me i tried not to cry. but i couldn't help it. so i went toeh refrigerator and pretended like i was just looking for food. luckily i had my hoodie up so they really coudn't see my face. my mom started scaring me when she said that either me or my dad had to be there when she went swimming just in case somethin would happen. then she tried to crack a joke saying that she might end up like my jazz teacher who died of a heart attack fell into a pool and drowned. first Mr. Shaghoian, then Dr. Wallace and no my own mother. I don't know if I can handle this.

i don't know if i'm that strong
but until i find out
i'll be waking up everyday afraid that it's the last day i have with my mom.
afraid that she might have a heart attack
or congestive heart fauilure
or the day that her doctor tells her she needs heart surgery

i feel so selfish
and i can't even stop from crying.
even now
it scares me so much that i loose my breath and i start hyperventalating.
why my mother?

i wish i could have the last say

it's been bugging me for quite some time now.

his memory lingers.

and everday i think, and wonder if he thinks about me.

probably. probably not i think to myself. i'm not that kind of memory.

i wish i had that stability back. in my confidant. something i was always sure of. but i don't think he would trust me again. and then i wish i had that person to talk to. about the things that i love, and loved, and dreamt, and feared, and questioned.

i digress

cigarettes

27 Dresses: Gave me hope that real, honest, good men still exist, and that maybe it's ok to want to be in love.

My friend Jacob is this amazing guy. His girl doesn't treat him the way he deserves. I wish I could tell him the things I want to tell him. But the last thing I want is to be responsible for their breakup in any way. I remember him when he was so vibrant, and alive, happy and easy going. Now he's always sad, angry, stressed out. He's so incredible in the way he lives. His eyes are this peircing shade of ocean blue. He cares for everybody and is always in control. An absolute gentlemen. He smokes so much he's going to the doctor. We don't know if it's cancer. But if it is, I will absolutely just die. I want to tell him things... but I can't.

Film Reviews & Reflections: I Am Legend & Paris J'taime

I Am Legend.

Slightly depressing, Shocking, and Predictable.

Paris J'taime

Lovely. Makes me want to take a chance. Make me want to learn French, move to France and fall in love with a Frenchman

Film Reviews & Reflections: P.S. I love you & Juno

P.S. I Love You

The movie was precious, predictable and really something I needed. The time frame was hard to follow as a year went by in a matter of 40 minutes. Some of the characters should have played a bigger role because in the ened you really didn't understand how they got to feel that way or whatever. So what did I need, that this movie gave me? Hope.I've realized it's not bad to want something that you need. Something that will make you mean those "I do-s" I want a "Jerry". I want someone who I am sexually attracted to. Who is sexually attracted to me. Whose personality I can't get enough of. Who I can walk around naked and not even care. Who will talk with me, and fight with me, and have babies with me. Who will learn to understand what I'm thinking, what I say. Who adores me. Who believes in himself, and believe in me. Who loves me in all my flaws, and ugliness, beauty, and perfection. All at once. Who only wants to wake up with me every morning not because he's linked to me by a contract and a ring but because he couldn't bare the thought of living one second with me not in his life. I just want to be wanted. And until I find that man who I see as fit, I don't want to settle. And I won't-not anymore. There's hope that there are a few good men out there. I'm just tired of these hipster-enviornmental-musician-express wearing-valley boys. They're nice. But not that something extraordinary.

Juno.
Not a family film. Made the mistake of watching it next to my mother. Very awkward. Especially the teenage sex scene. Not.....very......comfortable. I just stuffed my mouth with popcorn and pretended to watch a different movie. But this was hilarious. And very realistic. I think i'll email dr. higgins about it. It had elements of closed and open adoption in it. I don't think the film really considered the impact of closed or open adoptions. I don't recommend this for adoptees as the teenage mother didn't want anything to do with her child. Nor did the birth father.