The Ethical Slut

It's official pap smears rank up there amoungst the uncomforatble moments right next to having your mom or pops walk in while your and your bf/gf are doing "stuff", and being asked to come over to see Jesse's apartment after work. Let me clarify. Jesse is a regular at my store. He comes in every, single morning, sometimes at the most busiest time of the morning, to get his cup of death. We nicknamed it the suicide. The drink is fuckin legendary and Jesse is a fuckin legend. It's a pump of every syrup we have (sometimes more), 3 packets of raw sugar, and 8 shots of espresso with whip. Nasty. When you drink a taste of it, you will gag and feel like your stomach acid has actually met it's match. And Jesse, he's a short, staunchy fella, who is mentally handicapped and about 38-40yrs of age, if I would take a gander. So you can see why it's be a bit uncomfortable if he asked you (a 19 yr old) to come over to his apartment after you got off from work.... eek.

Anyways I had my first pap today. It was different. Nothing nice about it. My Gyno is pretty nice but it was still wierd to have my legs sprawlled out with my Va-j-j just chillen while she lubed up at proceeded to stick that dreaded labia seperator and that trident looking like thing in me. Then the HPV exam was just straight up violating. I felt like Peter Griffen when he got his prostate exam. She just pushed and felt me right up, and I just squeezed my eyes shut and grinded my teeth hoping for her to finish soon. What took minutes felt like an hour. But I guess I'm just a prude. The only person I want feeling me up down there is my boyfriend.

Last night I went to Shelby's going away dinner with some coworkers and Raf. Yoshino's is scrumpdiddilyumptious, and Raf looked sexy. Even though he wore a metro sexual shirt I still thought he looked spankin. :P Anyways, after dinner we went to Borders and strolled through the asiles until we came to the sex section. That was fun, reading this book BLOW HIM away. Very interesting. lol. I thought it was funny that it was next to the self help section, and I laughed when I saw the book "How to Save Your Marriage" right next to "The Ethical Slut" and "How to Dommineer". Yes America, this is it. We solve your problems with SEX. Meh..I have no comment.

Que Sera Sera Whatever Will Be Will Be

His kisses feel so much more than an act of desire or sexuality...it's like for that moment I really get to touch him, his being, and I'm given a sliver of hope that he will someday...maybe...want to love me.

When we're naked it doesn't even matter, I'm comfortable, and warm. It's beyond sexual.

For a few weeks now I've been feeling that my chest has been really sore. I didn't know what it was. When I did my monthly self breast exam last Wednesday I found a bump in my left breast almost into my armpit. Luckily my Doctor is new to town so she doesn't have many patients yet so I was able to schedule an emergency breast exam, bloodtest, and mammogram. She found 3 bumps; two in my left and one in my right. I get the results tomorrow afternoon, and lately I've been pretty nonchalant about the entire thing. I've only told Raf and my Mom. My Dad thinks I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow for just a pap smear. But it'll be a whole lot more. I didn't want to worry him. He has a tendency to over worry. Especially with medical things because he's had a history of tumors in his family. My Mom had thyroid cancer a few years ago, and plus she always reminds me to do a self check every month. I always jump to the worst conclusions but this time I've decided to just let the chips fall where they may. There's nothing I can do until I know, and there's no point in worrying about something not confirmed yet. For the past week I've been fine, and everything feels just the same. I still don't eat well, and I don't exercise, and I work a lot and am stressed quite often. It could be a whole number of other things. We will just have to see tomorrow....

Patience is a Virtue; and Life is a Waiting Game

I think I should really start to follow through on my quasi-life-philosophy of being simple. It's helped in the past. I've started to not drink as much at work, which has helped me looses weight. And I've cut down on the amount of alchohol I drink so yeah. All I need to work on is my diet and exercise. Ew...dreaded words eh? fuck it. I'm trying it...maybe. lol

Yesterday I watched Michael Moore's movie SICKO with my father. Both my parents are in the medical field, and after watching that I still can't stand how they can be happy working in such a flawed and unfair system. No reform, no compensation, no care for the sick, the poor- nothing? I'd rather live in France or Britain, or even Cuba! Or I could just move back to Canada, at least I'd know I'm not going to get screwed over if me or my family get's ill, or goes to college.

After the fight with Rafael I feel much closer to him spiritually, emotionally, physically. But, I know already know that my faith and trust i him has faltered. I don't know if he will do the same thing to me if we have another fight. And I'm sure we will. I'm just being realistic not pessemistic. He ignored me, was rude to me, and it made me feel worthless and insignificant. I know now that he knows that it's possible to have a fight that's good for your relationship. But, I don't know if he has built up the trust in himself to pull through more fights. I don't know if he will think that it's not worth fighting for and just quit me and leave. I don't know? I wish I could have more confidence, but for now all the confidence I have is in what I know. I know that he is good for me, and I am good for him. No matter how different he thinks we are, and how many problems we have. For some reason I think we both need to experience this relationship. For different reasons.

I wish I could teach him to trust more than himself, and that while you practice caution in relationships, caustion musn't hinder your ability to take risks and and get hurt once in a while. Cause we don't want to die without any scars. It's the only way we learn.
For me, I want him because he keeps teaching me new things about myself, and about him everyday. This mature relationship is something we've both never experience and I need to experience this with someone who is as doubtful (if not more), and as cautious, and inspired as I. I want to know that I have affected his life for the better; and I want him to know that he's affected my life for the better. Whether or not he chooses to stay with me or not. In the end I think it will be his decision. I don't know how committed he is to me, and because of that I to him. Right now things are good. How far it will go? I don't know. Time will only tell. All I do now is live, and wait.

Old Town Reminds us of How We Got Here

I think sometimes we all have the moment where we look at ourselves from a distant and breakdown. For him it was while we argued and fought in that little park in Old Town. Underneath the gazebo, while little children and their dogs played amoungst the the trees and swings. It was a tiny tic tac sized unrelated problem which almost cost us our entire relationship. And yet. When all was said and the cussing had passed, and the anger subsided, I made him see that I wanted him. That I believed and genuinly cared for him. I wanted to give him a reason to make it through this. I see his spirit, and how easily it's broken. He sees it too. I just need to let him see that I'm ok to let into his life. That it's ok to need somebody. That having someone who is able to give you things that you can't give yourself is ok. It's fighting, it's yelling filled with hate, and anger, and philosophical discussions of our self. We made it through. When he began to think back to how is life was before us. He finally saw what I've been seeing all along. That this was good for us. And it's ok to have fights, and it's ok to be mad at the one you care about, and it's ok to make up, and have a plan to be better. He wonders why I care for him.It's because we as human beings, filled with sensibility and reason, and raw emotion, are drawn to each other. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if I had broken up with him, or if I let him walk away. That's why I never gave him that option. I could tell he wanted too. That he felt that it could have been easier at the moment to let our emotions get the best of us and just leave. But after that then what? Would we have really been happier apart? Would we be satisfied. I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to give up. I wasn't ready to part from him. I just had to make him feel ok with feeling the same thing. I knew it was in there. Somewhere...

Charity Words

...well ain't that a damn fuckin crying shame?That people lie when they say "i hate being the one too make you cry" . The truth is they DON'T FUCKIN CARE. Why? Because we are ALL selfish human beings. We only think of our own comfort, and what would make us happy. That's all. It could be argued that even charity is selfish. That we do it because it makes us feel good about ourselves, not because it's a noble thing to do. Fucking Charity. Those love professing, heart wrenching, tear jerking statements are nothing but Charity words. That's all those damn pseudo euphemisms are. "I never want to hurt you." "I never want to make your cry" "I never want to cheat on you" They never think of those statements when they actually do hurt you or make you cry. It cuts deep doesn't it? Well man the fuck up and get over it!Fucking Charity Words.We say it because it makes us feel better about our selfish selves. There really is no such thing as a selfless human being. In the end, we all just want to protect our own asses from whatever ominpotent, virtuous, Divine, or Undivine. And after it's all said and done, we feel acomplished. And we have every right to back track in our statements because hey! they were never really truthful now were they? And we say "I never want.." or "I hate.." or "I don't want.." so that in the very likely chance that we do whatever we say that we never wanted to do. We can protect ourselves by saying, "Hey, I never said I promised not to blah blah blah."To sum up that very angry rant is this. Why do we always think of our actions, and words as a means to an end? We say things so that we can end whatever unhappy feelings, or so we can stop an uncomfortabe situation, etc. There would be a lot less hurt in the world, if peope hmm...I don't know. Were true to their word...or maybe practiced fuckin chivalry instead of cowardice.

Because Jack Johnson couldn't have written a better song

mood: inspiredHe pretty much makes me believe in possibilities.It's been a long time since I can honestly, truly say this...but I am happy. I am happy with my life and all it's imperfections and little perfections. I look forward to this new direction in life, and for once I am optomistic and confident in the choices I am making.My parents and I have come to an understanding. We actually have converstations, and we treat each other with more respect. My brother and I have gotten closer, and he's also becomed very accustomed to my boyfriend. In fact I can honestly say that my brother actually likes him, and that is rare for him to like anyone in my life. He's very picky. And...I am pleased to know that maybe someday I will be an aunt. Much to my surprise I have found out that he does actually date. lol The friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin are still there. Amazing, beautiful- I am lucky.Lucky enough to realize who were never really my true friends. I am okay with that.Lucky enough to live for my future, and not for my past. Because sometimes you love, and then you loose, and then you learn. And that's okay.Lucky enough to learn to trust again; to let myself open up to someone new; to date; to be crazy; to get caught; get in trouble; to fight and learn to work through it and not sweep it under the rug; to feel a connection; to have self repect; to be respected; to want someone so bad it hurts to be apart from them; to feel wanted for once; to learn to be comfortable in my body; to fight for something good; to have a healthy, mature relationship; to still be silly; to have intellectual converstations; to have someone to travel with; someone to kiss me; someone to call at the end of the day; someone to care for; someone to lagh with, and be stupid, and have fun with.I'm very lucky to have met him.

Heart____?

Current mood: crushed

heartbreak: (def) for me it feels like your chest cavity is imploding. you're lungs are still expanding and you're still alive. but the place where your innermost feelings and emotions dwell are targeted and it feels as if you are being frozen and shattered alive from the inside out.
(syn): pain

(ant): that feeling you get in between the area where your ribs meet at the center of your body. it's not superficial it lies physically deep within your gut. as if for a split moment in that area there was an expansion of light and your heart exeriences a wink of nirvana.He says it. and he takes it back. accuses me of lying. Says he wants me to be here and then pushes me away. Everytime he does this I pull back as much as I can. because i want him. and i want this. i want what we have. I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know if I can give whatever it is. I'm trying so damn fuckin hard. But everytime I think we are ok and we're there for each other he finds something to throw back at me. As if I meant for him to get hurt. He says that I will hurt him. but i don't want to. you can never promise not to hurt someone. But I can promise not to lie. I have fears. I have things that I don't say but instead choose to put my trust in him. I fear that he won't be able to come to me with any of our problems. that he will always go to his xanga, or go to Miriam to make him feel better. I feel he trusts her more than me. and I understand that but it still hurts. It still hurts to think that he feels as if I would hurt him like Evelyn did. I'm afraid that everytime he drinks he will second guess what we have. I'm afraid that he will never learn to trust me. I'm afraid that he'll always think that I'm going to hurt him on purpose. It hurts me more to know that he thinks I would do that. I'm afraid that he will run away from imperfection.I hate being compared. It makes me feel like I'm "just another girl". I feel so untrustworthy. So inadequate. Like I don't deserve his trust, and that's why he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now. I don't know what I do, but somehow I manage to crack a shell that I've never even touched.I want this to be genuine. From both sides. I want this to work. I want this to be honest.He has to be honest with himself. Before he can be honest with me.He has to trust himself. Before he can learn to trust me.Until then I just don't know what to do. I can only be here. And wait. Waiting is the hardest part