Old Town Reminds us of How We Got Here

I think sometimes we all have the moment where we look at ourselves from a distant and breakdown. For him it was while we argued and fought in that little park in Old Town. Underneath the gazebo, while little children and their dogs played amoungst the the trees and swings. It was a tiny tic tac sized unrelated problem which almost cost us our entire relationship. And yet. When all was said and the cussing had passed, and the anger subsided, I made him see that I wanted him. That I believed and genuinly cared for him. I wanted to give him a reason to make it through this. I see his spirit, and how easily it's broken. He sees it too. I just need to let him see that I'm ok to let into his life. That it's ok to need somebody. That having someone who is able to give you things that you can't give yourself is ok. It's fighting, it's yelling filled with hate, and anger, and philosophical discussions of our self. We made it through. When he began to think back to how is life was before us. He finally saw what I've been seeing all along. That this was good for us. And it's ok to have fights, and it's ok to be mad at the one you care about, and it's ok to make up, and have a plan to be better. He wonders why I care for him.It's because we as human beings, filled with sensibility and reason, and raw emotion, are drawn to each other. I don't think I could have forgiven myself if I had broken up with him, or if I let him walk away. That's why I never gave him that option. I could tell he wanted too. That he felt that it could have been easier at the moment to let our emotions get the best of us and just leave. But after that then what? Would we have really been happier apart? Would we be satisfied. I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to give up. I wasn't ready to part from him. I just had to make him feel ok with feeling the same thing. I knew it was in there. Somewhere...

Charity Words

...well ain't that a damn fuckin crying shame?That people lie when they say "i hate being the one too make you cry" . The truth is they DON'T FUCKIN CARE. Why? Because we are ALL selfish human beings. We only think of our own comfort, and what would make us happy. That's all. It could be argued that even charity is selfish. That we do it because it makes us feel good about ourselves, not because it's a noble thing to do. Fucking Charity. Those love professing, heart wrenching, tear jerking statements are nothing but Charity words. That's all those damn pseudo euphemisms are. "I never want to hurt you." "I never want to make your cry" "I never want to cheat on you" They never think of those statements when they actually do hurt you or make you cry. It cuts deep doesn't it? Well man the fuck up and get over it!Fucking Charity Words.We say it because it makes us feel better about our selfish selves. There really is no such thing as a selfless human being. In the end, we all just want to protect our own asses from whatever ominpotent, virtuous, Divine, or Undivine. And after it's all said and done, we feel acomplished. And we have every right to back track in our statements because hey! they were never really truthful now were they? And we say "I never want.." or "I hate.." or "I don't want.." so that in the very likely chance that we do whatever we say that we never wanted to do. We can protect ourselves by saying, "Hey, I never said I promised not to blah blah blah."To sum up that very angry rant is this. Why do we always think of our actions, and words as a means to an end? We say things so that we can end whatever unhappy feelings, or so we can stop an uncomfortabe situation, etc. There would be a lot less hurt in the world, if peope hmm...I don't know. Were true to their word...or maybe practiced fuckin chivalry instead of cowardice.

Because Jack Johnson couldn't have written a better song

mood: inspiredHe pretty much makes me believe in possibilities.It's been a long time since I can honestly, truly say this...but I am happy. I am happy with my life and all it's imperfections and little perfections. I look forward to this new direction in life, and for once I am optomistic and confident in the choices I am making.My parents and I have come to an understanding. We actually have converstations, and we treat each other with more respect. My brother and I have gotten closer, and he's also becomed very accustomed to my boyfriend. In fact I can honestly say that my brother actually likes him, and that is rare for him to like anyone in my life. He's very picky. And...I am pleased to know that maybe someday I will be an aunt. Much to my surprise I have found out that he does actually date. lol The friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin are still there. Amazing, beautiful- I am lucky.Lucky enough to realize who were never really my true friends. I am okay with that.Lucky enough to live for my future, and not for my past. Because sometimes you love, and then you loose, and then you learn. And that's okay.Lucky enough to learn to trust again; to let myself open up to someone new; to date; to be crazy; to get caught; get in trouble; to fight and learn to work through it and not sweep it under the rug; to feel a connection; to have self repect; to be respected; to want someone so bad it hurts to be apart from them; to feel wanted for once; to learn to be comfortable in my body; to fight for something good; to have a healthy, mature relationship; to still be silly; to have intellectual converstations; to have someone to travel with; someone to kiss me; someone to call at the end of the day; someone to care for; someone to lagh with, and be stupid, and have fun with.I'm very lucky to have met him.

Heart____?

Current mood: crushed

heartbreak: (def) for me it feels like your chest cavity is imploding. you're lungs are still expanding and you're still alive. but the place where your innermost feelings and emotions dwell are targeted and it feels as if you are being frozen and shattered alive from the inside out.
(syn): pain

(ant): that feeling you get in between the area where your ribs meet at the center of your body. it's not superficial it lies physically deep within your gut. as if for a split moment in that area there was an expansion of light and your heart exeriences a wink of nirvana.He says it. and he takes it back. accuses me of lying. Says he wants me to be here and then pushes me away. Everytime he does this I pull back as much as I can. because i want him. and i want this. i want what we have. I don't know what he needs from me. I don't know if I can give whatever it is. I'm trying so damn fuckin hard. But everytime I think we are ok and we're there for each other he finds something to throw back at me. As if I meant for him to get hurt. He says that I will hurt him. but i don't want to. you can never promise not to hurt someone. But I can promise not to lie. I have fears. I have things that I don't say but instead choose to put my trust in him. I fear that he won't be able to come to me with any of our problems. that he will always go to his xanga, or go to Miriam to make him feel better. I feel he trusts her more than me. and I understand that but it still hurts. It still hurts to think that he feels as if I would hurt him like Evelyn did. I'm afraid that everytime he drinks he will second guess what we have. I'm afraid that he will never learn to trust me. I'm afraid that he'll always think that I'm going to hurt him on purpose. It hurts me more to know that he thinks I would do that. I'm afraid that he will run away from imperfection.I hate being compared. It makes me feel like I'm "just another girl". I feel so untrustworthy. So inadequate. Like I don't deserve his trust, and that's why he won't give it to me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells now. I don't know what I do, but somehow I manage to crack a shell that I've never even touched.I want this to be genuine. From both sides. I want this to work. I want this to be honest.He has to be honest with himself. Before he can be honest with me.He has to trust himself. Before he can learn to trust me.Until then I just don't know what to do. I can only be here. And wait. Waiting is the hardest part

Ramblings of Teenage Heartbreak, and San Francisco New Beginnings

Carlos and I talked on the phone yesterday night! I've missed hearing from him, and his family. He is doing very well in Stanford, travelled to the Dominican, and doing a summer internship. My not so lil Marino is going to be a fire fighter, and Alejandra is showing up both her big bros at our alma mater. I am still very proud of him. I always knew he would do great things. I really do hope that we can stay in touch in the future. It's been hard to keep in touch these past months, but I think we both needed the distance from each other to move on with our lives. I cleaned out my room today. Looked at old stuff from way back when...mitchell's cd he gave me to ask me out...and the one he gave me when he broke up with me. lol...retard! I also found a pic of my and mitch at six flags. It's really cute. He has hella braces and we look so young! I can't believe we dated. lol It's wierd to think that I thought I was in love with him, when I didn't even know what love was. We're so like brother and sister. UGH NASTY! lol jk. I found a picture of me and Rambo at Morp when we dressed up as Vato Man & Ruben. I have them all because they are horrible pictures. lol I thought about how he treated me so badly, and I got really sad, then looked at the picture and laughed. And then I found ALL the stuff carlos gave me over the years. Notes we passed to each other between classes, in classes, stuffed animals, pictures, our boutiners and corsages from the dances we went to together, his senior pictures, the poems he copied from a website and gave to me (yeah i found you out!) lol, and other memorabilia. I considered throwing it away. But, then I thought to myself. Why? They weren't bad memories, in fact they are really fond memories that I'll always treasure and remember. I considered it because I don't want Raf to get hurt. But then I remembered that he said he didn't want to hurt me. And throwing those things away would hurt me because they are a part of me. So I kept them. I'm not ashamed of my past, and I don't want him to be scared of it. I want him to be ok with me and Carlos still being friends. But he still feels as if me and Carlos never broke up. ...that really bothers me.We broke up. It wasn't in bad taste, it was a mutual and mature decision. And we both wanted it. and needed it. It was the hardest thing I went through and suffered a lot from it. To finally come to the stark realization that you couldn't spend the rest of your life with the person you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I went through a depression, that led to me getting caught in the back of a truck by the cops with some chump who just wanted was to get in my pants. I felt so empty and just tried to fill the void with anything, and when this guy Cameron showed interest in me I was so blinded by the need for that longing to be wanted that I let him take advantage of me. I never told Los that. I guess I never trusted him as much as I thought I did. It's sad to realize that but it's just honesty. I love Carlos, but only as a friend now. We had a fun time, and it was really the most incredible relationship I had back then. I won't apologize for it. But I won't apologize either for moving on and giving the future a chance. I don't just rush into relationships. I think it through, and move slowly. Rafael... he gives me the things I really need. I like him so incredibly much that I find myself having to stop my self from using the L word to soon. In fear that I might scare him away. I don't want this to sound bad but I'm just going lay it out there. He goes just that extra step that non of my ex's ever did. They all just focused on the material things...ok...with a few exceptions. Mitchell was just a strange relationship, and I think we both knew it was doomed cause we weren't committed to each other. Rambo always made me feel like I was some rich snobby girl, and in the end he dumped me cause he had Molly on the back burner. Carlos ... it always had to be extravagent, and I was always hidden in his shadow. Sure it was great, but the moments that were just simple were few and far between. It's hard to explain. With Raf we can do anything together and it would still be amazing. He understands me, and we face problems in our relationship like we should. He's the most honest boyfriend I've ever had. I don't have that fear of him cheating on me, or that fear that he's hiding things from me. He puts in so much effort, and I just want to do the same. Ontop of everything I'm so incredibly attracted to him. I was never sexually attracted to any of my past boyfriends. And it's funny that people assume me and Carlos had sex, and then they find out that I'm still a virgin. But with Rafael....it's so much more than infactuation. It real, tangible, emotional attraction.this blog is getting long so let's cut to the chase...It's wierd to tell Raf that I spoke to Los Mainly cause I know how he can get nervous about things, and get really scared, then really distant. And, I didn't want that to happen again. But I wanted to trust him. I want him to accept my past, accept that I'm still friends with my ex's. They're all still my friends, and without whom I wouldn't be who I am today. I wish he trusted me, that's all. And he tells me he does, but it's that feeling you get....you know what I'm talking about. I want to believe him. But it's hard too. I want this to work out between us so bad, and I'm willing to work for it. Nobody said it would be easy.San Francisco was amazing. It was my Papa, Brudder, my Babe and me. And we had a blast. Walking around town, doing things that couples do lol, holding hands, kissing under trees, taking pictures. Visted china town, union square, japan town, haight street, and deyoung museum. We learned how to lindy hop in the park. It was so much fun. side: my bro loves Raf!!! he doesn't like any of my friends, so this is a huge sign. I'm so happy that raf and my family get along so well...anyways...Raf slept on the floor next to me. lol I felt so bad for him I kept giving him pillows. I held his hand as we fell asleep. And in the morning he was there. It was so incredible to see him the first thing in the morning. I think of "us" and our future, and I like it. I like thinking about it. One day I hope that I can share those thoughts with him.

Doing things that Lovers Do

PISMOCurrent mood: relaxedI could barely sleep. It's that feeling you get when your little and it's the night before you go on a big trip with your familiy. You're ultra super duper uber excited and you can't sleep, and you can't do anything but think of what to bring, what to wear, and what you're going to do. Ok. Maybe that's just me and I'm a lunatic, but I dunno. I think I finally slept at 2am? Then I woke up at 4am. I knew I couldn't squeeze anymore z's out. So I had breakfast. I never have breakfast. But I had it today because I couldn't think of anything else to do. Grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk...oh and a mango. Then I texted Raf to see if he wanted to leave early. lolHe came, we bid adieu to my parents, and left for day of unplanned bliss in Pismo Beach, CA. Stopped by my store to grab some drinks and snacks. Then it was off for a couple hundred miles of freeway nirvana. 2.5 hrs to be exact. The weather became cooler as we drove closer and closer to coastal relief. Away from the dreaded 110 brain boiling fresno ferver. I was able to fall asleep for an hour on the way. Something about him. I was comfortable; at ease. The open road, miles of freeway, and my babe driving next to me- I was calm. I woke up somewhere before San Luis Obispo. We stopped at a gas station. I went to the restroom. This lady and her son came in right after I had. I had proceeded to wash my hands as all right minded healthy respectable individuals would. WRONG. This lady and her son smushed their nasty germ infested, verminous phallanges all over the metal door of the restroom. I eyed the mother's reflection through the bathroom mirror in bewilderment as they so purposfully left without washing hands. I could see their hand prints. It was there. I could only look at it and cringe. What was I to do? I pushed the door open with my foot and left. As I walked out of the gas station. The mother and her son were parked next to us. Their shame radiated for she knew she had disgraced herself by not teaching her son the value of simple hygeine. Or so I thought. They drove off. The obsessive compulsive neurotic corner of my mind flashed the idea of writing down their lisenece plate number in the very plausible case that I had contracted some mallignant deadly virus, I could very well blame them and sue them to make them pay for my treatments. Ok, am I pushing it? lolMoving on.We arrived in pismo in cool 60 something weather. Head to grab some clam chowder at the famous Splash Cafe. Raf had turkey sandwich. I poked fun at him saying that we drove 200 miles for him to get a turkey sandwich. Afterwards we walked out on the peir and watched the surfers in the freezing waters and the little kids splashing around. There was a vendor out on the peir and Raf bought some souvineres and some beautiful sea glass earings that I saw. As we returned from the peir a dog whisperer was showing off his dog tricks with two puppies. It was cool. Walked around the town for a little, and did some chopping. I mean shopping. By that time the crowds of Euro toursits flooded in. We went into this store that sold chocolate covered scorpions and lollipop worms. ICK! We spent some time on the beach just lounging around and being goofballs. Raf was determined to get into the water no matter how cold it was. The little kids were in there shirtless and surfing and Rafael, this 6ft something college man could barely dip his feet in. lol. It was amusing. Not so much when he dove in the water and came back to hug me. lol.At night we at the Cracked Crab. It was soooooooooooooooooo GOOD! That was the first time Raf had ever tried seafood and he loved it! lol. We colored on the paper tablecloth before they served our food. We drew eachother without looking down. He drew me as this blob of hair, and I drew him with at least some distinguishable features. lol. Our waitress was nice, everyone there was nice. It's the kind of place you wish you worked at.After stuffing ourselves silly we drove home. Taking silly candid pictures of each other with only a few semi formal ones on the peir. I will surely post those as soon as we get them developed! The radio got nothing but static so we just talked. There's a lot you can learn when you have a 3 hr. conversation with someone.A wonderful trip.

Of Uncertainties and Will

mood: happy, euphoric, unsure, at peace.
location: room

I guess my reason for starting this blog is to relieve some uncertainties that I've in a way ascertained throughout the course of my very short time on the earth.

About a month ago, if you asked me my philosophy on life it would completely different than what it is today. I've come to terms that friendships end, you move on, and that's ok. I've met a man that's made me happy in so many ways, and with that comes uncertainties that are beyond understanding. In a way I've grown closer to those already close to me, and realized the extent of how far one friendship can go. And I am ok with that.

Even with this unwavering conscious in the back of my head, I am willing to see what life has in store for me. I have this mock trial coach Jamie she is absolutely inspirational. To be pregnant with cancer, and be as optimistic and strong as she is absolutely breathtaking. It's people like her that give me hope for tomorrow. They give me the will and the want to achieve what I need.