Hell is Other People

I'm finding it hard to let go of mock trial. Well...the people in it. I'm not really letting go of them, it's just that I wont be spending much time with them as I usually would. This would be for my own scholastic benefit, but fuck will I miss them. Not all of them. Just Edgar, Kayla, Jamie, and Chris. Well not Chris cause I'll see him all the time anyways. But I'm sure to miss the rest. They will hang out together without me, and have inside jokes without me, and I am on the outside. I'm sure of it. I wish I hadn't quit. I wish I could have found a way to balance out my life so that I wouldn't have to loose them. But who's to say that I'm loosing them? I just don't want out friendship to fade. I guess that's one of my faults. I feel so vulnerable without my friends. I always feel like I need company. And when I'm alone I feel at stake, and targeted.

Now that I'm going through this whole "coming into my own" , "being myself", "finding my own path" deal, I'm scared as a fuck.

This is life, and these are the decisions you have to make Jenny. Worrying about these decisions is sanity. But being this sane can drive you mad.

what a halarious irony

Semester Woes

I'm excited for finally getting my grades back on track.
Yet, I fear what this semester will do to me and raf.
He gives me hope when he says we'll work through it.
But it scares me that I'll be left alone.
I want so badly to make this work. There's something pulling me to him.
But, I'm afraid of the risks again.
I'm afraid that these feeling may not be reciprocated.
That I may grow to attached.
That he will feel suffocated and want to push away.
That maybe I will grow weak and let him.
I'm afraid that if I do loosen, he may not bother to pull me back in.
Working and School. Quite a schedule, and one that doesn't leave room for much of anything else.

Yet I want it to work. SO bad.

Us, I want the meaning of that word to have wieght. To be. What it can be. Whatever it is.

We'll I guess you'll say, What Can Make Me Feel This Way?

I like leaning on him. Doing crazy thing with him. Being tacky, and wacky and silly with him. I like cheering with him. Eating with him. Drinking with him. I like talking to him, and singing with him, and being stupid with him. I like pretending to be mad at him. I really like it when he leans his head on me.

I like being his girl.

:]

Take Me Out to the Ball Game.

I very much like being with my fella.

I don't know if it's because we see each other every otherday and not everyday, but I miss him when he's not around, and can't wait till the next time I get to hug him again, and kiss him.

This semester is going to be busy. Everytime I have a break he has class, and whenever he has a break I have class. I was able to get every Saturday off from work so that I get at least one "ME" day every week. Then I can catch up on homework, and spend the day with Raf. I really like my boss. She understands.

We're going to the Grizzle's game tonight. :] This feel is very much winning my heart over. I wonder....if he wonders....that I wonder. The other night we were talking about how he like his me time and he said he worries that it would offend me in the future if we moved in together and instead of wanting to cuddle or do something with me he just wanted to read or be by himself in his room. Hell!! I was just happy that he said "if we moved in together". I know I would want my Me time too man. Just cause I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm clingy 24/7! lol.

Anyways I'm going to the baseball game with my babe, and nothing seems better right now.

Oh Orange Monkey, How I Adore you So

well well well....
he may understand me more than i thought.

???????? i'm eating a lollipop that I can't seem to figure out if it's orange or cherry....or punch! strange things are afoot.

Went went bowling the other night with some friends. Chilled at Eddie's apartment. Drank, Ate, Drank...and I felt comfortable with him.

Oh lest I forget. I like his style. Small town innocence, intellectutal love with an urban soul. I very much like the way he looks with a button down collar shirt with the sleeves rolled up. And his pants. :p Yup....he's so very very very very very good lookin.

Went to the st. agnes heritage fair. much delight was had by all. raf won me a retro vested blue stripe tied ornage monkey. We rode the ferris wheel which brought me back memories of that one scene in the Notebook when Noah first saw Ally. Rode the Gravitator. Made me want to throw up. lol Ate a ton of food, and wathed some cool dancing and bands.

My parents looked happy tonight. :]

9 to 10 DriNkS?

I don't think he understands. And we're learning things about each other that we find differences on. He says that he feels as if he easily angers me, and well yeah I guess. Because nothing he says is ever concrete. He fuckin reasons to the point where I don't know what the hell he says is honest or just a statement to apease me or him or the universe. I don't know. I am glad though that I'm learning these things about him ahead of time...so I know what to expect and so that I'm not surprised i nthe future. I know that this is one of the things that we will have a problem being peaceful about. He says that he's the middle ground. I just think he needs to lean the meaning of fucking sacrafice. I don't know if he gets that part. Yes in a relationship there is always compromise but sometimes someone needs to sacrafice something. I wish he could sacrafice drinking. What I wish I could happen for myself is to stop drinking full blown at parties. Only when I'm older, and at home do I wish to drink. I just don't like the person I become, where I loose control of inhibitions, and make alchohol an excuse to be slutty. I don't like to be vulnerable. But, I know that as a young woman in college that is hard. And, I'm open to experiences but I've been through enough to make me realize that it's not the path I want to take. I don't like being drunk, and when I drink I prefer to be responsible about it. He however thinks that that is an extreme to ask of him. So now what? Because we have completely different views on what is safe and what isn't, will he continue to do as he pleases even if it means it upsets me? I don't know. I hope that maybe he will take my feelings into consideration and make a sacrafice. I don't know if he's capable of that. Maybe that is too much of an extremeity for him to meet. But I want somebody who can. This is something I don't want to return to. I don't want anymore phone calls telling me that someone has died of something preventable. I don't want that feeling of uselessness, of being powerless; the feeling that I could have done something to stop someone from dying. It's the worst kind of guilt, and one that I never want to have again. Raf doesn't get that. He doesn't see how powerful it can be. And I hate saying things like this to him cause it makes me feel obnoxious and quasi all knowing. I guess not growing up with alchohol influenced me. And I think in a good way. I never saw the use for it. No dependence on it. It was a social drink, and one to be careful of.- and that is not being a prude, it's being responsible, and being reasonable. It makes me nervous of the other things that we'll disagree on. Will it be to much that it's impossible? At least I'll be able to know whether or not he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. We already disagree on marriage. He doesn't believe in it. He'll do it for his mom, but he's rather not. He wants to know that there person who is waking up next to him is there because of him. But I want somebody to love me so much that they want to marry me, and want the world to know, and celebrate it. Who knows. Will he understand that? I think that part of me wishes but knows that he won't be able to feel that way... Unfortunate, and raw. It's life.

Danny Puts Life Into Prespective

Tonight after the softball game me and Raf went to go chill at bonbon's house with the rest of the team. He started to drink and then he said stuff that made me nervous. I don't like how he just lets everything go. And I hate the fact that he is ok with drinking when he's driving me. Even steven and angel said no that ain't cool. hmm... sometimes I just wish he had my best interest in mind when he thinks about drinking. About a month ago he said he wanted to try to cut off his drinking habit. And then tonight I asked him about it and he said "I say mean it when I'm sober." I mean what the hell? And he always says he's going to be OK, and fuck for christs sake Raf that what Danny always said before he was so drunk he jumped out of a two story building and then drank himself to a bloody stupor for two days straight before dying of alchohol poisoning. I'll be fuckin damned if that happens again for someone I care about. If this continues I don't know what I can do. If he doesn't respect how I feel, and take me into consideration everytime he drinks and drives, I don't know if I can handle it. If he pushes it to the point of irresponsibility and I can't stop him, or if I'm not reason enough to stop. I won't take it, and I will just walk away. But, I have to remember this. It hasn't reached that point, but if it does that's the line that I won't cross.